Jan.22,2009

My first entry for 09.

I haven't written in over a month....

Not alot is all that different really.

We are still taking small steps towards getting the house finished,
with the landlord bringing over supplies on occassion and leaving them for Chris to do.
Chris's back is pretty bad lately, so he does things as he can.

We had rented furniture from Easyhome, but decided that we would rather wait and get stuff that we REALLY like, instead of just taking what we could get there. Our landlord
gave us a small loan and we purchased a bedroom suite of my dreams
from his cousins furniture shop. It is so beautiful. We grabbed a demo mattress..
a King sized simmons bowling ball mattress and boxspring for only $350!
It's amazing! It feels so good to have a really good mattress and to sleep
in such an inviting room.

We added to our family. A local breeder has decided to take a breeding hiatus,
I had been in contact with her on and off for the past 2 years since
getting Bailey as I have always loved her pups. She had one puppy left
and offered it to us. So we now have two beautiful German Shepherds.
Unfortunately, like al things.. if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
and like all things in my life, it has to be complicated. We are now debating a
lawsuit against the breeder, but I cannot go into many details at this point.
There was alot of misrepresentation...

In the mean time, we are only 4 weeks away from our own puppies... Bailey
is pregnant and due around Feb.23! So a puppy right now was not actually
ideal but at the time it was a once in a life time offer...
Here's hoping we can have the litter without ending up with 3 dogs!

Chris was supposed to go for back surgery Jan.5th, but was bumped, so now goes Feb.5.
He has not been having much fun with it lately, so here's hoping it wil go well!

Pain management is still in active pursuit for me.
I had my bladder test booked in Dec. but then it snowed
too hard and I had to reschedule. I go on Monday. Still alot of pain
and retention... hoping it is all over soon!

Chronic pain relief is being shifted right now as is my depression
medication as things are just not working right now.
Hopefully changing everything up like I will be, will get things
back under control!

I've been tanning again, so that's been nice, but put on 10 lbs over
xmas that I am REALLY disgusted with.

Couldn't handle growing out my hair anymore, so went in and had it all layered up... Looks cute, not sure if I'll keep it for any length of time... we shall see... in the meantime, if I end up in for brain surgery anytime with this cut, then bald will be the new me, as it does not allow
for any hair camo should i need it! A big concern these days.

Still feeling lonely beyond belief. Life is so busy that I can't
grab a minute to gasp for air, let alone social time, but in the meantime
feel myself slipping away again into the everydayisms... I haven't
even been communicating online! I've felt pretty shut in lately.

Kids got Rockband 2 for Christmas, and as much as I thought I would despise
it, turns out it is quite the family event! One of the songs on it, is a song I have listened to
for years, but never taken the time to comprehend...
The funny thing is, I retain lyrics to songs.. and I mean all songs... If I've heard it
in my lifetime, I can probably sing the lyrics without thought.

I pay alot of attention to the stories behind songs... and as much as
I've listened to and sung along with this song... it only clicked recently.

If there was ever a song written for me...

Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,Or looked down on.
Just try your best,Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.
It just takes some time,Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.
Hey,You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just do your best,
Do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts
Are gonna say.

I watched my mother, spend her life trying to earn the love, affection, hell
even just the attention, of my grandfather.... He passed awy, 6 months later,
so did my mom... She never got what she needed from him, and I honestly
believe, that in the end, she was able to relax, and go peacefully, when she
no longer had to bid for his approval.

I remember pittying my mother and the lengths she would
go to in order to feel worthy... Now, I am 29 years old, and I realize
that people around me are still able to make me feel like a broken
child as I am constantly bidding for my worthyness...

There are people in my life, who make me feel little, worthless and
unworthy, just being in my life... yet for whatever reason, I continue to
allow it... I continue to get worked up and allow them to rule m emotion.

I am no where near ready to deal with this. Not in the way it needs to be
dealt with. I am not sure I ever will.... even knowing how self destructive it is..

Human nature is such an odd thing.

Anyways, I have 2 snoring dogs and a snoring husband beside me, and I am
tired after a trip into van for pain management today.

Man, when do I get out of this damn rut?!