March 13, 2009

I vowed I would be so good with this blogging, and here we are again, months between an enry! Ridiculous! Lately I feel like I can't even find time to think about doing anything extra... That being said, I guess I have taken on some new hobbies, so as usual, I get my obsessions on, and distraction proves to make things difficult.

Again, who knows where to start... I guess I will just write a bit about life right now, and, well, you've gone this long without knowing anything new, so I guess it won't kill you to miss whatever I forget to put in!

Let's start with Chris...

I am a better patient than cargiver. Chris has his surgery on February 13. Things are not going as smoothly as he had hoped, and he has now been upgraded to HydroMorphine. We don't know if it is this "chronic pain syndrome" that he was warned happens 5% of the time, or if he just isn't healing as fast as most. It has been REALLY dificult! As usual, I had too much on my plate going into it, so it was hard for me to be clear minded to take on the extra responsibilities. Excuses being excuses, in the end, I really have not been what I should have been for him. Considering he will walk me through numerous surgeries of my own...

Puppies were born one week after his surgery. Sam was a huge help, thank god, as it was aot of work to do solo. Chris laid on a matress on the floor, so it was nice to have him there at least. I spent 10 days in the basement on the hard mattress to make sure all went well with puppies. Between my efforts of trying to wind down after a full day, and the pups, and the mattress, I was not sleeping. Needless to say, I was mighty bitchy. He has been alot more acive lately, so has been helping alot, but cleaning the crate and keeping up with the dirty laundry is still my onus, and right now, they arent even that messy! I am dreading the next week or so when the work doubles! THey are adorable though and I know I am going to have mad puppy withdrawl when they go. Most are already sold. We had one little one born with a disclocated knee. Tonight he cost $125, and it will cost more. I didn't have the heart to put him down as he is thriving and healthy and beautiful, but he wil cost us two pups.. him and the value of another, to get into shape This is where they say, you don't make money breeding.

My depression is completely messed again. It is now resistant to the medication I was on. The pain management clinic told me that it was too long between psychiatrist visits and that they should take over my medication plan, so I agreed, and then when what they prescribed didn't work either, and I came to them with some ideas, all of a sudden it is out of their realm. In the meantime, they have me weaning off my anti depressants... so I am just a righteous mess right now emotionally. Trying to keep it all in check is a trial, I think I am managing ok, but I hate feeling like this. So now I have to wait for them to get me back in the with the psychiatrist, so I can try and get a handle on everything again. I wish I could just be "normal"... I t would be really nice to be able to control my own moods.

Money! Ya, well, it seems the new bed, and the extra moving expenditures, have caught up. It doesn;t help that I haven't been working... So now I am taking on as many hours as I can get to try and catch up. So, added to the lot is me now working some 8 hour days.. Something I haven't done since I was sick... and it is strenous on my body. My pain goes all over the scale, and by time I can get home to manage it, I end up nauseous from taking the instant pain relief. I am more tired than I can remember feeling ever in my life, and I have a hell of a time sleeping.. until my sleeping pills kick in... It is one time in my life that I can honestly say, I have WAY too much on my plate.. but I really have no choice.

Hedgehogs have been fun.. Aside from my breeding crew, I have taken in afew rescues. Sam typically does all the feeding and I help with cages etc.. Since Sam is gone, I have been flying SOLO, which is actually kinda nice.. I get to spend more time with the hogs, and I enjoy the few minutes of peace and quiet to myself. I actually have two new breeders coming in this week. An albino and a cinnamon girl. Thats something I dont mind taking on, because I find them relaxing.

The house is STILL no where near finished, but the backyard finally had most of the junk removed! YEAAH!! So just waiting for him to come get the last of it and fix the fence, and we can actually make use of it! The rest I have given up on.. if it happens, great. I would stil really like to paint in here as the pain is horrible in most places, but I will wait til things settle down.

So, it's spring and so starts the events for YCSC. I am hoping it will be a good summer, as I have let go of the reins the past several months as I have been ill.

My bladder testing came back abnormal, so now I have to go for a cystoscapy.. Yee haw. I am hoping it will yiely some explanations. It is sucky having a sore bladder all the time.

No bike yet.. was planning to get one with the puppy money, but we were not able to do to the small litter and the disability. I am hoping some money will come through this spring. I am so desperate.

Can't think of much else now and I am exahausted, so I will try to remember to write again soon.

Jan.22,2009

My first entry for 09.

I haven't written in over a month....

Not alot is all that different really.

We are still taking small steps towards getting the house finished,
with the landlord bringing over supplies on occassion and leaving them for Chris to do.
Chris's back is pretty bad lately, so he does things as he can.

We had rented furniture from Easyhome, but decided that we would rather wait and get stuff that we REALLY like, instead of just taking what we could get there. Our landlord
gave us a small loan and we purchased a bedroom suite of my dreams
from his cousins furniture shop. It is so beautiful. We grabbed a demo mattress..
a King sized simmons bowling ball mattress and boxspring for only $350!
It's amazing! It feels so good to have a really good mattress and to sleep
in such an inviting room.

We added to our family. A local breeder has decided to take a breeding hiatus,
I had been in contact with her on and off for the past 2 years since
getting Bailey as I have always loved her pups. She had one puppy left
and offered it to us. So we now have two beautiful German Shepherds.
Unfortunately, like al things.. if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
and like all things in my life, it has to be complicated. We are now debating a
lawsuit against the breeder, but I cannot go into many details at this point.
There was alot of misrepresentation...

In the mean time, we are only 4 weeks away from our own puppies... Bailey
is pregnant and due around Feb.23! So a puppy right now was not actually
ideal but at the time it was a once in a life time offer...
Here's hoping we can have the litter without ending up with 3 dogs!

Chris was supposed to go for back surgery Jan.5th, but was bumped, so now goes Feb.5.
He has not been having much fun with it lately, so here's hoping it wil go well!

Pain management is still in active pursuit for me.
I had my bladder test booked in Dec. but then it snowed
too hard and I had to reschedule. I go on Monday. Still alot of pain
and retention... hoping it is all over soon!

Chronic pain relief is being shifted right now as is my depression
medication as things are just not working right now.
Hopefully changing everything up like I will be, will get things
back under control!

I've been tanning again, so that's been nice, but put on 10 lbs over
xmas that I am REALLY disgusted with.

Couldn't handle growing out my hair anymore, so went in and had it all layered up... Looks cute, not sure if I'll keep it for any length of time... we shall see... in the meantime, if I end up in for brain surgery anytime with this cut, then bald will be the new me, as it does not allow
for any hair camo should i need it! A big concern these days.

Still feeling lonely beyond belief. Life is so busy that I can't
grab a minute to gasp for air, let alone social time, but in the meantime
feel myself slipping away again into the everydayisms... I haven't
even been communicating online! I've felt pretty shut in lately.

Kids got Rockband 2 for Christmas, and as much as I thought I would despise
it, turns out it is quite the family event! One of the songs on it, is a song I have listened to
for years, but never taken the time to comprehend...
The funny thing is, I retain lyrics to songs.. and I mean all songs... If I've heard it
in my lifetime, I can probably sing the lyrics without thought.

I pay alot of attention to the stories behind songs... and as much as
I've listened to and sung along with this song... it only clicked recently.

If there was ever a song written for me...

Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,Or looked down on.
Just try your best,Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.
It just takes some time,Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.
Hey,You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just do your best,
Do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts
Are gonna say.

I watched my mother, spend her life trying to earn the love, affection, hell
even just the attention, of my grandfather.... He passed awy, 6 months later,
so did my mom... She never got what she needed from him, and I honestly
believe, that in the end, she was able to relax, and go peacefully, when she
no longer had to bid for his approval.

I remember pittying my mother and the lengths she would
go to in order to feel worthy... Now, I am 29 years old, and I realize
that people around me are still able to make me feel like a broken
child as I am constantly bidding for my worthyness...

There are people in my life, who make me feel little, worthless and
unworthy, just being in my life... yet for whatever reason, I continue to
allow it... I continue to get worked up and allow them to rule m emotion.

I am no where near ready to deal with this. Not in the way it needs to be
dealt with. I am not sure I ever will.... even knowing how self destructive it is..

Human nature is such an odd thing.

Anyways, I have 2 snoring dogs and a snoring husband beside me, and I am
tired after a trip into van for pain management today.

Man, when do I get out of this damn rut?!