Dec.17,08

I don't even know how long it has been since I have written... A long time! I keep forgetting this blog format does not date stamp, so I have to remember to put it in.

I am going to try and enter this as a bief point to point update entry. Alot has happened and I don't want to make it impossible to get through this post.

-My bladder is still giving me a ton of issues.. Pain, weird urination etc... I have not been scheduled for the test yet, but I have another urologist appointment on Friday, so will find out what is going on there soon.

-Finally made it in to the Neurologist. I have one new tumour growth, for a total of 4 tumours now. I also have very small growth in my largest tumour, but the growth has made the tumour a zize of concern. Too small to do anything about and too big to ignore. So I will go for an MRI in one year as opposed to two and another surgery is almost guaranteed in my future. 3-5 years likely. There is some option of a Radiation stle surgery, but he has to take it to the board. There is a very small growth in close proximity to this tumour. While this tumour is superficial, the other is buried deep in my brain. Since you can only radiate an area once, he thinks they will want to wait and do it on the other, as surgery would be much simpler on this one, than the other. I am stressed, and emetional.. I know it could be several years away, but I am sick of there always being something.

- We are in the new house, and while it is nice to have the space, the house was not finished before we moved in. Luckily Chris has figured out how to be handy, but the landlord never brings us supplies and it is frustrating trying to get him to comitt to anything.There are no lips on every change of room, missing door framing on every door, Missing Floor boards everywhere, Poorly insulated doors, Crappy paint, No towel racks, The basement was supposed to be an entired suite, but the washer and dryer that was supposed to go downstairs, has to but put where the kitchen was supposed to be... so no more basement suite, now just a rec room and laundry. Sams room has no closet doors, her door frame is put on crooked, as ies her window. The spare room in the basement has no door... The bathroom downstairs is not built.. The whole house has various items of the landlords stored and left here... He had said the upstairs would be done when we moved in, and he would come finish the basement shortly after. Well its been 16 days and we have gotten the odd supply here and there, but at that, we are expected to do the work. I could totally take him to tenancy, but he has given us such a good deal, I am trying to be patient.

-We have had so many extra expenses this month, it has been really hard trying to stay ahead money wise. Christmas will be small, but we want to teach the children that anyways. I am sick of buying oodles of things that never get properly acknowledged or that never get used. I would rather buy them acouple things that are valued. Like the tale of the woman who cuts her hair to buy her husband a watch strap, but he has sold his watch to buy her a barette for her hair.

-I am finally on chronic pain control and it has been nice to take a huge step forward, after two years, in being able to control my pain.

-hat being said, I am having issues with my stress levels, my anger and my emotional health. I am on a waitlist for the psychiatrist. I had added a new medication for anxiety to my current one and took it for a month. I was supposed to call and get him to call in a script if I was happy with it... It seemed to help, but because I was in the hospital, I did not notice I was almost out. Bu time I called their office on a Thursday night, I did not hear back. Well by Saturday I was in FULL withdrawl... I could actually see how and why people go to detox and what it felt like... I would have given anything for something to take away my symptoms. I actually got suicidal the first night. I felt like I had a million red ants tearing at my skin and crawling all over. I had the worst headache and dizziness... I cannot even explain. It took almost two weeks to get back to normal. I decided that anything that felt like that after not taking it for 2 nights, was not something I wanted to continue. I think somehow it messed up my current meds though, because now it as if I am back to being my old depressive self.

-I have also gone back to being lonely. YCSC has taken a bit of a downward spiral. We need a proffessional logo, so we can have brochures done up, to be able to get the word out to more people that we are here, also to get me volunteers as I canno do everything myself anymore, but every graphic designer we have worked with has been a dud so far... so I am waiting on one more shot at it at the end of December and am hoping for good things. As with most friendships in my life, I have been left sourely abused and abandoned once again. Someone I thought was a dear friend, changed on my completely. Once again, I was the one with everything to lose and had to turn my back and say that obviously there was some reason I was meant to have her at the time, but now that is gone. Another connection I had rekindled lately had turned out sour too.. luckily I was ready for that one as I was completely prepared for it, and guarded. I miss Kristie dearly and have vowed to make more effort to get out and see her... She has had a rough time with her 4th go at treatment, and I feel like a horrible friend. I have also had a hard time finding time to be with others.... I wonder if it is part of my barrier has gone up again after my recent betrayal and also with my current mental health on the slope... I have to put some thought into that one and try to resolve it. I have to find some way to stop pittying again too...

So I guess it is another depressive entry with the upside being that I am fully aware of where I am headed, and that I need to do something about it... Im just a little stuck on the how right now. I will persevere, I always do... But as I said to Dad Crowe on the phone the other night... This is one of those times that I have to admit, I am not a pillar of strength as those around me like to state.. I can be, but sometimes it is ok to not be... The hard part is, you need those dear friends and close family to lean on in these times and to just be able to open up to and say...

"You know what? Things are kinda scary right now, and I know that might not make sense to you, but I need you to just be there for me and not try to bandaid it, or tell me to stop wallowing, to just be a friend, a shoulder, an ear, and just agree with me... that ya... it really sucks... not remind me of all the things I am SUPPOSED to feel or how I am SUPPOSED to act, but to just let me be this for today."

When you lose the people you can honestly say that to? It pretty much makes things alot worse. I am lucky in having my husband and one or two others that I can really open up to like that, but I miss certain people who used to help me get through, and who made me feel normal....

So... I'll stand up proud... Chin up, Head in the air... After all things can always be worse! Besides, I am probably making a big deal over nothing... and don't forget.. medicine changes fast... I'm sure it will be no big deal in afew years, when the time comes... Stop worrying about it today, there's nothing that can be done....

Because that's what I'm told to do.........

I know there's one angel crying with me today....