Nov.4,2008

So it has been an odd last few weeks....I am at the point right now, where the last 4 months of my life are just a chaotic mess of non cancer illness & pain.

Since my brain surgery I have had something referred to as Disassociate Syndrome (sp). Basically I have periods where I feel small in the world around me, as well as feeling, at times, like I am viewing my world from above my body.... Like I am not a part of myself.

I have been feeling that way alot lately. Apparently with a new medication that affects Dopamine and Seratonin, it is common to develop this syndrome, so not unlikely that it has made my syndrome more predominant. With all the side affects, I have considered discountinuing the med, but i feel a signifigant shift in my personality and stress levels since starting it, so I am riding it out. That being said, it is weird having moments of "not being yourself". Hard to explain but if you can imagine watching what you are doing but feeling like it is not really you.. Very strange.

I have also had 2 Chronic pain upisodes in the past month... I assume it is due to my increased activity, as I started back to work on October 10, after 4 months off from the car accident. I am not working much, as my shoulder still throbs regularly, but I am taking a shift here and there. The most recent flare up was this weekend, where I was sure I was going to end up in emerg on Sunday night, but by today, it has simmered down. I think that one was due to halloween and walking for hours. I wish I could do things that normal 29 year olds do. I am hoping to get back on core training on Monday, which builds up my side strength and I seemed to feel better when I was... I am just worried that I will flare itup again...

Otherwise, things are ticking along as we clean and organize the house for the move. It is so much work. Luckily the move, the packing, moving and cleaning is completely done for us, but it is getting everything ready for them in the meantime.

Boo had her convention this weekend, and we were going to drive in and out both days, but that meant getting up at 5am both Saturday and Sunday, then finding something to do until 5pm, then driving home... So We decided that despite not really having the cash as we are trying to save for the new rent, damage deposit, and christmas, to rent a room. Sam is going to have a sleepover with her cousin who lives in Vancouver, so she is stoked. I am hoping to get my tattoo touched up while I am there as it has needed that for 4 months now!

Well I am dead tired, but wanted to update. I have been finding it easier to go to sleep since being on the new pills too, which is REALLY nice. Although I have this neat bladder thing since the car accident that sometimes I really have to go to the bathroom, but when I go, I can't go.. So I have had afew times of waking up to go to the washroom, only to sit there.. So that wakes me up and then it takes forever to go back to sleep... But overall, feeling more rested.

I work tomorrow for 3 hours in the morning, and then have a staff meeting in the evening... Thursday I have my MRI, lets hope an arm vein screams out at them, as the swelling and bruising from last weeks MRI is still holding it's own. Hopefully I will have the results from Wednesdays, by next Monday or Tuesday.

So tonight was my MRI....

I drove myself in and did my first MRI without sedation....
I was amazed that I did not get chlosterphobic, but since I
was not wearing the mask, I guess it was easier to cope with.
I will have to sedate for next weeks scan as I do have to wear
the hanibal lectur mask.

So it was my usual tech, which was nice, but, for whatever
reason, she has never done well with my IV's. It is hard
enough to get a good line in me, but I guess with the
nerves of the test, I hide even better than normal.

She couldn't find an armline, so she went for my wrist,
YAAA my favorite! Luckily she got it in one shot, but
OMG did it hurt! So she puts me in the machine, bundled
like a mummy in a blanket. I felt fine, so in I went.
As the scan started, my hand started to vibrate, and it HURT!
After about 10 seconds, it stopped, and I told her about it
over the speaker. After asking about a million questions, she
could not figure out what could cause it, and asked if I could
continue. I said yes. We went on and I was heating up...FAST..
I never like to bother them, so I didn't say anything, but when
I started sweating bullets, I had to wait until that scan was done
and use my call button. She took the blanket off and carried on.

Towards the end, my hand stated to hurt again, vibrating and
pulsing in pain. I grit my teeth and got through it. I have
never felt anything like it! I can not figure out what it was...
Maybe some sort of weird reaction because I have been
wearing jewellery more often? Or an Iron build up?
I have no idea, but it freaked me out.. big time.

Now I am scared to go in for my next scan next week.

But, some good came out of it. I went to visit our two new hedgie
roomates. A girl is moving to panama and needs a new home for
her two little hedgies. I went after my scan to meet her, and them
of course... They are such cool little critters. The girls seems
quite happy for them to come home with me. Unfortunately,
we have to wait until we move to the new house, and then will
keep them in our room until Christmas. Don't ask me how...
I have no idea yet how to keep the kids from finding them!

Oh well we will figure it out!

I am wiped, and tomorrow I am "Field trip mom"
so I am off to bed!

So, tonight we signed the paperwork for our new 5
bedroom home! WOOT!
I can't even imagine what it will feel like to live in a 5 bedroom,
3 bathroom home. It has been a long time since we have
lived in accomodations suitable for our family needs.

I do and did love this house in the summer. Being in the
middle of nowhere and having a huge yard to enjoy during
the summer was nice, but there was always negativity
with Chris's x-boss living here, due to the fact that the military
having no tolerance for my illness and less for Chris's injury.
1,000 sq ft, not very well laid out, was much too small too.
We have noticed it alot more lately with Trin getting bigger
and Sam going into her teens.

We have been SO SO SO SO gifted in meeting the man
who is renting to us. If we were being charged market
value, there is no way we could possibly do this.
Something has sent this man to us, and it is really
amazing.

My meds have me right whacked out. My head feels
fuzzy and I am on and off nauseous all the time. One
of the joys of a med switch. I need to give the side effects
a week and if they do not simmer down, then I will have to
go off of the new one. I am hoping they get better because
I do feel a difference. There is some discussion that
I may have Fibromyalgia, and this medication helps for
that as well, so we shall see.

I have my MRI tomorrow. I am actually really nervous.
Partially because I am doing my first scan without sedation
and also because it has been over two years, and I am a little
nervous what they will find. Tomorrows scan is of my spine.
I have my brain scan on the 6th.

After the MRI I am heading to see acouple of Hedgehogs.
The girls want one really bad, and I love exotics, chinchillas,
suga gliders, flying squirrels, ferrets, hedgehogs, but after
the chinchillas, I have been very hesitant in going into anything
else. I have done a fair bit of research and it seems like
hedgies may make a decent pet, so there is a girl moving out of
the country at the end of the month, and cannot take her
hedgehogs, so I am going to meet them and see how that
goes. We will give them to the girls for Christmas, so if I get
these ones, I will have to hide them in my room, but still
give them love and attention, so we have to wait until we are
in the new house, or it will be too hard to hide!
I would just wait til closer, but this is a really good deal,
so we will see.

Well it is late, again.. I don't know how I have been staying up
so late and functioning, but I should get back on track!
We have to spend a bit each day getting ready for the move.
Luckily, we don't do the packing or moving or anything, but
everything needs to be really clean and organized for them
to come in and do it.

I am *SO* excited!

Started a new med 2 days ago.
It's supposed to help me with my
stress and tension, as well as my insomnia
then zombiness during the day. It's
going well so far(not so much).. I have extreme nausea,
Hot flashes, my head feels fuzzy and I feel
a little disassociated at times. I am going to give it until Sunday
and then if it continues, I am done.

On the upside, We are even closer to getting the
house. I spoke extensively with the owner again
tonight and he keeps going on about how much he
likes us and how much this is our house and he
wants us to live in it. He is such a sweetie, I just
hope it is what it is, as I have lost so much faith in
people's word. I am sure it will all be fine, but
until it is on paper, I am very leary.

When we were at Science World, there
was Mikes Critters there, putting on
a show with all sorts of little exotic
pets. Snakes, Stick bugs, a Tarantula
names Rosey that Trinity now wants as
a pet..NOT HAPPENING! But he also had
a hedgehog. I have wanted a hedgehog back
to the days when we had Chinchillas, but we
wanted to stick to one breed of animals.
After having the horrid Chinchilla experience
we did, we have been very nervous to go back
into a caged pet, but seeing one again, and seeing
how much the kids loved it, I am considering it again.
Trying to find a breeder near by, is the difficult part.
I don't buy from pet stores.

Anyways, I am feeling a bit dazed right now as I took all
my meds early tonight. So off I go.

It was a busy long weekend with the kids out on Friday.

Yesterday, Chris went to a hockey game. I had to take Sam to cheer,
so while she was there, I took the yuounger girls to Chuck E Cheese.
Somehow, I thought this would be a great idea, forgetting that on a
Saturday night EVERYONE is there! It was insane. Nontheless...
The girls had a great time. Trin was running around putting money
into every machine should could reach and trying to get as many
tickets as she could. She thought feeding the tickets to the ticket
counting machine was more fun than the games! Boo wandered
around on her own with a girl she ran into that she knew from dance.
Thats the nice part about the security there. One of the few places
you can feel safe letting a kid be a kid.

Afterward, The Poultons and Heather and Todd met us and
we went to the Chinese restaraunt across the rd and had a
pop with them while they ate. Had a really ncie time, even
though I feel like I jeporadize the conversation and then get
self concious that I am talking too much. I really enjoy their
company. I think part of it is that it seems I am always
wired with the kids whenever I get a chance to hang out
with them.

Just after 9, we headed home. I stopped for a car wash on
the way. A $14 car wash! It actually did a really nice job
but I always seem to notice new surface scratches on the
car after I go to one of those places. The weird thing is,
they are "No touch" washes. This is the first one that has
really done a nice job though. If I had the strength, I would
do it by hand to be sure but I can't.

Today we went to a Halloween day they had at Science
World. We got out of the house much later than planned
as I ended up on the couch last night after getting kicked
in the face by a restless Trin who joined us in bed.
So we were there for about 4 hours in the end, but it was
crammed with tons of demos, experiements, special
features, and an omnimax of caves. We had a nice day
and grabbed ice cream on the way home.

Then began the normal weeknight hustle of homework
dishes, lunches, laundry and such.

I have been having relentless pain in my legs,arms and
collarbone area latelty. It feels as if I have been working
our hard and my muscles are burning, but I haven't.
My headache frequency and intensity have been getting
much worse and as i mentioned, I am tired and
unmotivated all the time. We have switched some of my
meds in hopes it will help, and I am supposed to talk to my
GP as there is some discussion that my symptoms are
similar to fibromyalgia. On the upside, I haven't had
any tailbone pain in days and I can't even feel the lump.
Unfortunatelty, I have had the tailbone issues on and
off for almost 3 years and this could just be one of the
off periods. Either way, I am getting very nervous
about feeling so crappy all the time.

The landlord of the new house has accepted our offer,
I will feel 100% once it is in writting, which will
hopefully be in the next day or two.

Well, no nap today so I am BOMBED!

Waiting for word back from the landlord of the
house we are hoping for, is killing me.

We drove past it again today and I get
all warm and fuzzy just looking at it!

Realized today that I have just been feeling
way too unmotivated, as I haven't
even tanned in a week! Also VERY
sick of these pimples breeding on my face!
I feel like I'm 16 again!

While I have been eager to welcome this change
of cicrcumstance in our lives, I am a little
saddened that it means my bike will deffinately
have to wait until the end of winter.
I know I wouldn;t have ridden through the winter
anyways, but there was a security in knowing
I owned a bike. On the upside, the house,
if we get it... Has a secure garage. Somewhere
to store the bike!! *Woot*

Chris is heading to a Canuckle game tonight,
leaving me with the kids in Langley while
Sam Cheers for two hours, so not sure what
I will do to occupy us. May meet some
friends out there, but not sure how that
will pull through yet. It will be nice for Chris
to get out though.

I am pretty excited for Science World tomorrow.
Should be fun and crazy busy!

Since I am feeling that there may
be a light in my tunnel in my near future
I decided to get away from the drabness
of my past colour scheme on here.

Besides, with the fall coming,
it is nice to keep things bright and
uplifting. I think I have been
stuck in this particular phase of
my life for long enough. It is time
for something new.

Have been super busy.
Just a quick update

-Chris's appointment went well, it could take 60 days to find out what will be offered in the way of an increased pension.

-My vascular surgeon went well... he thinks the issue is in my deep vein, so I need a special ultrasound only done at UBC. It is $300 so I have to see if my extended will cover it, if not the waitlist is very extensive.. Nothing can be done until I get that.

-Work has been killing me.. Even the three short hours shifts feel like an eternity and kick my shoulder and side into unbearable pain. By time I get home I have a headache like you wouldn't believe too!

-We may be moving afterall. I have been corresponding with a gentleman in town who owns several properties. We drove by the three he has opening and one of them was AMAZING... and so WAY out of our price range... but this man is unbelievable and cut the price almost in half for us. We are waiting on final confirmation from him as we requested $100 cheaper just for the first year... but that is huge considering what it is worth. If it pans out, it is a two floor, 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. Nice big fenced back yard, double pained windows. Fully renovated over the past 6 months. Closed in carport, a room downstairs which I am going to use as a playroom and start a daycare! Just for acouple part time kids, but it will make it so I only have to work at Blockbuster to keep my free rentals and will bring us in some extra cash. This is an oppurtunity we have waited for, but never dreamed would come true this soon... We are crossing our fingers and toes.... This could mean an entirely different life for us!

-Otherwise, mostly more of the same. Will write more when I have more time, sleep seems to be something I haven't been getting lately. Still not feeling well... 8 weeks now!

Well we went for the coop interview tonight and I was so hopeful. We had driven around the complex and were a little dissapointed with the exterior, but had high hopes for the rest.

Well, the interview went great... except that throughout, there was mention of a very large rat stuck in one of the ladies walls for 6 months before coop approved it to be removed, followed by several coop policies that made us a little nervous.. for example, if out toilet were to explode in the middle of the night, we would have to pay for the repair and then submit the receipt to the board for approval..... Well we wouldn't have the money to cover things like that, or we would just buy a home! The clincher was when they said that They have mould issues... Leaky condo, and they are fully aware of it being in the walls and through the units and it will be fixed, but they don't know when... SAY WHAT?!

It sucked cause they were actually really cute units... Really good use of their space... Actually, they weren't even going to show us one... You apply, interview, it goes to the board, they decide whether to approve you, and if you are in you need to pay them $2000.00 within 48 hours! For a unit you have never seen... We got along really well with the ladies interviewing us, and one of them offered to show us their unit, so at least we got that, but I would never lay out $2000 sight unseen.

I can't risk mold that will be fixed Who knows when with our health, and Trinities asthma... I am actually wonderinghow they get away with stil renting them out... It was not a small amount of mould either!

So at least we don't have to worry about coming up with that $2000.00 anyways... I guess it goes along with my whole theory of things working out the way they are meant to... The only thing I always wonder is why does the oppurtunity present itself in the first place... I guess it's one of those life questions.. Why do things happen the way they do?

If the Co-op wasn't meant to be, then why did I notice it to begin with? LOL.. Yes, very philosophical tonight.. but it's like that feeling that the rest of the world is imaginerary until you witness it and the strange reality that life goes on without you when you go. Unimagineable...

Ok, I'm done being weird. :o)

So We are waiting to hear back from another place... a 3 bedroom rancher off of clearbrook rd... Hopefully that one turns out better .. If not then we just stay here longer... We do not -need- to move, we are just really eager to back into town, and honestly, pretty sick of all the issues here too... We actually have some mould issues on our bathroom ceiling and I have seen the odd silverfish in there too. Not to mention how small it is... You really feel it in the winter.

I am still waiting for some progress with our logo... hoping that it makes some movement soon so I can get moving with publicity and such.

Our non profit status came back about three weeks ago as we had not included witness signatures, so we have redone the necessary paperwork, and sent it back to the lawyer, who will submit it and then we will be granted our status, as it is just pending that one completed document.

So motoring along...

Tomorrow is Chris's veterans affair review, so still crossing our fingers on that as it has remained our last hope of getting a bike before next year.

Friday is my vein appointment, and Sunday we are going to head to Science World for their special Halloween day! Very excited!

As I enter week 7 of being sick.. consistently... I find that it would be really nice to have health and prosperity, ripe on a tree in my backyard, for me to pick on occassions such as this.

Today I woke up from my nap with what I am about 98% sure is either strp or tonsilitis. Seriously? How can one person stay sick consecutively, with numerous different illnesses?! It makes no sense.

On the health front, the next two weeks are insane. Wednesday Chris goes to have his reassesment with Veteran's affairs, who should have been paying him a higher disability rate for the past year and a half.... If all goes as planned, they will reassess him higher and we will receive backpay, as well as a higher rate for the year.

On Friday, I am finally in to see the varicous vein surgeon, and will see where that leads. Since I have had clotting in my legs on several occassions, it is suggested that I go back in to have them taken care of. I had my one leg stripped from the groin down in 2003, but new ones have grown on that leg and the other leg is stil very bad as it always has been.

The following Wednesday I have an MRI, which I haven't quite figured out how I am getting to, as it is a 1.5 hour one, and I have to sedate myself due to my closterphobia.... I don't really want Chris having to entertain the kids in the hospital for 2 hours... so we will see what I figure out.

A week and a half later, I have a second MRI, also 1.5 hours... also sedated... Yee haw.. but maybe some answers on the tail bone finally?!

On the money front.

My bike has likely been postponed. We have been following the classifieds for housing listings with the theory that if the right situation popped up, we would move early. It is hard to find nice housing with the dog, needing 3 bedrooms or more and within our price range.

The other day we saw a listing for one of the Coops, which was weird because they never list...
To make a long story short, they had a rare vacancy and are looking to fill it for the end of November, which is perfect for us as most ads are for the next month and we would have to give 30 days here...

It is 3 bedrooms with a fireplace, 1200 sq feet instead of the 1000 we have here...

We have made it half way through the application process, the next step is the interview... the rent is REALLY reasonable.. trick is, you need to pay a $2000.00 deposit. You get it back at the end of your tenancy... but OUCH!

We do not have it, pretty sure there is no one to help us with it.. so I am not sure how we are going to see through this one.. but we are going to continue with the process... and see what happens. You never know.. if that back pay comes through or... who knows... A bit dissapointing as I was hoping the next bit of money to come in would be bike bound.. but family comes first, and this place is just too darned small and far out.

Well, I am going to take my sore throat to bed.... Tomorrow is the start of another week.... NO rest for the wicked.

Oh, it was my bday tonight.. had a nice dinner with dad and shell at Greek Islands. Was nice! Don't feel any older though!! :o)

Well after a stressfull hour on the phone with MSP.. I have coverage again... but it wasn't easy...

Basically when Chris was released, the military sent in a form to state that we were no longer converes, but because he was extended, they followed it up with a form that said, basically, nevermind...he's staying in... Well, they never received the one saying nevermind... So... They cancelled out coverage...

SO after yelling and arguing and getting no where, the end result was, that the Military needs to resend the form, or phone them... If they phone them, they can reinstate us in 2-3 weeks. Meaning I have no medical until then. NICE!

The alternative is I need to get my own coverage until then... Ok, fine, let's do that... So the guy says he will put in my application, and I should have coverage back in..... 2 WEEKS!! Serioulsy? WHAT THE HELL?

I cannot go two weeks with no medical!!!

So I again explain to this gentleman, the third person I have spoken to that I HAVE CANCER... I CANNOT GO A MONTH AND A HALF WITH NO COVERAGE!

So he tells me I can be transfered to an "Account specialist" who may be able to help, but it will be a long wait... No problem.. I L-O-V-E waiting!

Finally get through to him.. Explain everything.. to which he tells me, that Chris is not in the military... REALLY? That's funny!

So I again explain...

Still... not getting it...

Then he tells me that Chris's work has to deal with it.. To which I explain that I have gotten that point from the past 4 people I have spoken to and that I could care less about that anymore.. How do I get my own account and have it instated NOW...

Anyways, in the end I totally bawled my eyes out... Sobbing that I have brain tumours and chronic pain and that I can't even go see the dr. because of the STUPID DND again.... and as I am continueing to blubber on I get interupted...

"Julie? It's done, you have coverage until your husbands is fixed"

Okay, so here's my questions... How does revenue Canada get such a kick out of breaking you down? Why couldn't they be compassionate enough to lean a little without the tears? What is it in someone that would give them such a feeling of power to drill you down to nothing, all the while having the power to make things easy?

Anyways, I have coverage again, thank god, so that is it for the moment in this dramatic bit of my life.. Can't wait to see what's next!

So yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had in a long while as I once again was witness to the ignorance of the medical proffession and the frustration of really holding no power in my own care.

I went to the Dr. in order to follow up on my car accident injury. When I arrived I was asked to come up to reception.... I have never been overly found of the reception at my Dr's office. In fact, I have not been hugely impressed with my Dr. either, but he was an improvement from my last, and since there are no Dr's taking patience, I took him in an instant over the old GP. Since most of my care is done by specialists and the only thing my GP is typically for is referals.

Reception informed me that my last visit was turned down my MSP. I didn't understand.. .Chris has been paying MSP monthly since the day he started with the military and it made no sense. The receptionist was adamant that I had no coverage and that I was going to have to pay for my last visit. I was really upset with her attitude and the way she was drilling into me. I asked for MSPs # and went back to wait for my appointment. I told her it is an ICBC appointment so it wasn't an issue for this visit anyways.

So, I go into the appointment to face one of my Dr's less pleseant moods. We go over my progress and he is fairly snippy throughout the appointment. At the end, after her has written me to work 3 hours, one day a week, and referred me for physio, I ask him if he can give me a refil on my percosets.

Now for background purposes... I was prescribed percosets after my chronic pain outburst last March. I was given a prescription for 50 and those lasted me right through into June. In June, 4 months later, I was represcribed another 50 tabs to prevent the chronic pain as well as for my injury from the car accident. I don't take them very often because I have never enjoyed they way I feel on them, and they make me severely nauseous, so I have to take Gravol with them, the end result being my being lethargic and tired.. But when I am in the amount of pain I am in when I need them, It is all I can do to get through. On at least 4 or 5 occassions, those have prevented me trips to the ER.

So my Dr. informs me that after extensive testing, they have decided that opiates do not help anymore than advil... So I explain to him that since my brain surgery, tylenol and advil don;t do anything for me other than get me through a tooth ache... I have to take t3's or 292's just to get rid of a freaking headache... Well apparently he has decided I am not getting anything anymore...
Thankfully I was smart enough to ask for the refill before I ran out, so I still have enough to get me through until I dcan actually go talk to someone who gives a crap how I manage.. If I am not able to manage my own pain, then they midas well put a bed aside for me at the ER, and honestly, I don't ever want to get as bad as I did last time... I have been able to prevent my pain from becoming excessive the past 8 months, but now, once again I am in a position where my pain is in control.

The most frustrating part is, I use these medications with caution and responsibility for real ailment and because of users and abusers, I am treated like a druggie. I love how a Dr. who doesn't even know what my disease is.. Can judge my issues.

So then I leave, very upset, and as I am walking out of the dr's room, the receptionist starts walking beside me and staring at me... So I look over at her and tell her that I will call her after I speak to MSP and she tells me I can't leave without paying for my last appointment. So Chris realizes what's going on and explains to her that there must be an error somehow because it comes right off his cheque, so she starts to argue with him.. Well by this point I am crying and I flip out on her and tell her FINE.. I WILL SIT IN THIS DAMN OFFICE UNTIL I GET THEM ON THE PHONE....
Well her and chris continue talking and I am sitting there on hold with fricken MSP for like 20 minutes before I have to go outside to get air.. Chris comes out after me and he has managed to talk the receptionist down and we leave. I was on hold with MSP for an hour that time, and then called again after lunch and again was on hold for an hour... I gave up...

Today I had to take Sam to Children's hospital so was not able to call again.. so now I have to deal with that on Tuesday.. but I am out of prescriptions and have an appointment on Tuesday, so I am not sure how that is going to work.. plus I have a specialist appointment next week and MRI's at the end of the month.. so I need my coverage in place! I am so upset by the whole damn appointment that I don't even know where to start....

Chris has got a REALLY bad cold and has slept for the past two days... I am sick too, but not even close to him.. I have been doing all the running around alone, Sam and I have gotten alot of alone time.. Yesterday we went to Starbucks and has a latte and chocolate chip cookie and did the word scramble and gossiped... The timing was pretty perfect as Sam officiallyt became a "WOMAN" on Wednesday, so I am hoping it has helped with the awkwardness of it all... Then today she had a Neurologist appointment, so we went out to that alone...

The appointment went really well.. She has a bit of loss of sensitivity in her feet, but like Katarina's weird babinsky reflex, it could just be a thing.. I know she has really poor circulation, so maybe that is all it is... The neurologist wants to do MRI's instead of CT's for routine scanning which is good because it is less radiation and more detailed, but most do the CT instead to save money, so I am excited about that. After her appointment we went to the thrift shop at Childrens and found sam a really cute skirt and a pair of leather knee high boots that didn't even look like they had been worn.. both for $10! Then we grabbed Subway for lunch and drove home with blaring tunes, singing away.

I came home in time to have a super fast nap, then pick up boo, get her to dance, come home, have dinner, pick her up, drop her at home, go to work... I worked three hours and came home feeling like I worked 10! Tonight would have been a percocet night foresure, but since I know have to savour my last bit, I am instead trying to take an extra sedative to get to sleep with all the pain. I guess it is ok to over sedate myself, but not to take a percocet..

So we are supposed to be going for three turkey dinners, but with Chris this way, I am assuming we will not be going to his sisters tomorrow. I will go on Sunday with or without him to Shelley and Dad's, and then Monday, we are doing something pretty neat.. My step sister and I have reconnected in the past several months, and as of last week, she has reconnected with my step dad too... so we are all going to have Thanksgiving together at her house. I am pretty excited.. I think Dad will be very happy!

Well, I am hoping these pills have kicked in.. I am feeling extremely sore, but tired, so I am going to try and get some rest...

Ok, enough already.... I have now been sick for well over a month, one thing after another... As of today I have a runny nose and itchy ears... Still feeling horribly tired and worn out. I missed my nap today to go get my hair sone with Michelle and I feel like a walking zombie now and it's only 10pm!

It was a really nice day though. Despite having been to Michelles house a gazillion times, I got lost as usual... but this time managed to find my way out of being lost, so was very proud of myself... We had a nice visit on the way back to abbotsford, and we tried out a hair school I had not been to yet. As long as you weren't looking for conversation, I was really, really, impressed...Both of our hair came out beautiful and the price was amazingly dirt cheap... and quick for what Im used to at a hair school... and the instructors were actually involved with the process, which was nice, because they caught mistakes while they happened instead of after it's too late.
We got a good chuckle out of Michelles vaccuum pump thingy, which sounds like your choice of randomn inappropriate farting, or as I chose to hear it, as concealed frogs in her purse... The funiest part of it was, I don't think anyone at the school even heard it! They were quite involved in their own conversations... So it made it even funnier.... I joked with Michelle that at least with her, I knew it was a machine... I remember towards the end of moms life, we would go out places and she would randomly let one rip and not even realize she had done it... and she pretty much belched and made funny throat noises all the time, after awhile it became second nature when you were around her, so it brought me back to that, and I found great humour in it.
I am hoping the day out was good for Michelle too.. She looked much more vibrant at the end of the day after having her hair done and being out and about, and it felt great to have some time with her, and some time to myself!

I really do like my hair alot, it has several different shades of blonde in it now and it's alot of fun. They finished it by straightening it... I never would have dreamt that a straightner would haveany purpose in my poker straight hair, but they did it with a straightner in July when I was coloured too, and it actually looks REALLY cool. Today reminded me that I desperately want a straightner, but refuse to get a cheapy... they never work... So am gearing up to spend $85 on that now too.

So finances hit us in the back of the head again tonight when we realized that Chris is not getting a raise this month as we had anticipated... He has gotten an annual raise since he began with the forces, as it is just standard protocol... He had looked up third year and saw that we would get an additional $600.00 a month. It is pretty much the reason we felt comfortable buying the car. When his pay stub arrived tonight, without any change, we pulled up the information online again and realized that he is making the maximum amount allowable for a private. Since he has not completed basic training, he is stuck at private recruit. The next payraise is for Corporal. So we are pretty much screwed, as when he releases, he will still lose 25% of what he is earning now... We thought we had avoided that axe when they extended his service time, as we thought the raise would kick in and when he was released, we would earn 25% less of the raised amount, which would be the same as what we get now. So now we are back to square one, but I guess with 10 months to plan for it... So it is time to prioritize and get some money back in savings and get debts paid down etc... Which is a bit of a bummer as some of the things we had wanted to do, have had to be side tracked for the moment.

Chris did some contract work last month so we knew we were getting an extra few hundred mid month, so we were going to tint our car windows, but now that money has to go to paying for Katarina's conference in Vancouver. We drained out Savings account last month when $1000.00 was taken off of Chris's paycheck due to a payroll error from last year, so we need to get together the $500 for Katarina and Trinity's dance costumes, which I think is due at the end of the month. Then there's halloween and of course Christmas.... So pretty much anything fun is on hold til January and even then it's iffy.

The worst part is, we have been living paycheck to paycheck since September.. School supplies and $1000 in motorcycle gear along with registration fees and such, hit us then. October has been rough with the $1000 shortage in pay, and then 3 fundraisers we supported for the girls... ($300 in meat orders! Im such a sucker) So we were finally going to see clearance in November. No such luck!

Despite everything, I still have every intent of getting a motorcycle at the very latest by spring. I know if we don't do it this year, it will be acouple years away, so I am sticking to that.

I have been very lucky in having things turn out the way they are meant to be, and this too shall follow, It has actually been a fairly long time since I have stressed about money... I have been pretty good at letting it ride as something I don't have a lot of control on, but when it hit me tonight, it hit me hard. Normally it is Chris who stresses, and this time is the opposite.

Well that's enough about that....

Tomorrow night I go to CATS!!! I have waited my whole life to go! I remember when my dad and step mom took Chelsea when I was young and how badly I wanted to go, and now I finally get to! The girls aren't as excited as I had hoped, but I am not entirely sure they know what it is, and I think they will be pretty thrilled... Chelsea is coming to watch Trin, it should be a nice night.

Thursday will be my last downtime, and then back to work Friday.. Only 3 hours, but even still.... I guess it will be good to have the time away again. I have been really lazy with that lately, and as I mentioned, it has been a struggle even to get my lazy arse to the tanning salon. Which I have done two days now! WOO HOO!

Well I have written a novel as usual, and I am BEAT tired. So I am off...

I know it has been way too long since I posted... I have had bronchitis, a stomach bug, a toxic infection/reaction, all within a 3 week stint.
I feel much better, i still have a nagging cough that is irritating, and I have zero energy... It's all I can do to stay awake until naptime, and then I have been heading to bed by 10:00pm. All this paired with alot of bruising, and dizzy spells. It is only natural that I start to consider a recurrence, especially with the unexplained lump... Luckily, I have multiple scans coming up at the end of this month and beginning of November, that I am sure will ease my conscious.

Other than feeling crappy most of the time, most things are same old. I'm still dreaming of the bike I don't have yet. I get jealous every time I see a bike go by... It makes it worse that the weather has been so nice!The new car has been so nice to drive around, the floor mats are dirty now, which is sad.. I'm still pretty freaky about who does what and where... I have never owned anything brand new, so it is pretty nice.

The kids are still going strong with their routines, that are wearing me thin :o) To be a kid again!! Trinity loves her dance class on Mondays, Katarina is especially loving her acro classes, which she has two of now. Sam is loving her cheer as usual... Katarina is doing a conference with the choreographers from So You Think You Can Dance in November. She is really excited!

YCSC hasn't had a regular meeting since July, Tonight was our first back from the summer, as in September, everyone was sick. It was a small meeting, but nice to see everyone again! I hadn't seen Kristie in a month or so, and even longer since I saw Darla and Cassandra.. It was really nice! We had a new fellow come out tonight. He is a young survivor of Thyroid cancer, but has actually come out as a volunteer, which is great! Nice to have some testosterone in the meeting and also to have the extra help... We are very close to having some literature printed and then will go full scale toward awareness and growing our organization.

Tomorrow, I get to see Michelle again, it has been forever as she has been dealing with another failed reconstruction surgery, #7....She has been very sick and infected since. No one has talked with her or seen her at all and I have missed and worried for her. We are going to go get our hair done and I am looking forward to catching up.

I'm once again feeling pretty low about my weight as I am up about 8lbs again. I am going to get through this week, because it is a wee bit crazy, and then back to working out. Should be a little easier now that the weather has cooled down and because I am scared to death to reach that 10lb over mark.... I refuse to get -THAT- big again. I hate it even being where I was, and was determined to lose another 40, but now I have to work at 48 instead! GRRR! It would be so nice to not have to stress about such a stupid thing... To be able to just be happy in my own skin.
I find that I am more confident in myself with age, I feel alot more secure with how I look, now, than I did 10 years ago, and yet I was 28 lbs thinner 10 years ago. Maybe it is just something that comes with maturity.

Today was a pretty big day in my family. I don't want to go into specifics, but I am very proud of someone who took a very big step forward and did something so important for someone. With a little hard work, I think that things will be much brighter and familesque in the near future... and in the side of the family I would least expect it... My step dad... I thought there was no way for me to ever help him make his life better... Since my mom passed, he wastes his days and life lost in a dire depression, but I am hoping that some recent changes will help everyone.... I could sure use a good dose of family happiness...

So tonight was YCSC meeting night, tomorrow I head into coquitlam to pick up Michelle, bring her back here, we get our hair done and then drive her back to coquitlam... She is not driving so I am more than happy to do it, to get her out and spend some time together. Wednesday night we go see Cats... I am sooo excited.. I have wanted to see it since I was little! Friday night, I am back to work... I am only working 3 hours a week for the month of October in hopes of getting my strength back up.. I would like to be able to work more hours for December....but I still get massive pain in my shoulder that migrates to my side. I've even had to change how I sleep.

Saturday night is Thanksgiving at my sister in laws, then Sunday with Dad and Shelley, then I believe we are doing Monday at Karen's... Three thanksgiving dinners... I usually enjoy cooking one of them because I take such pride in my turkeys, and cooking for my stepdad and husband and having leftovers!! But this year, with everything going on, and me being so worn out, and also for everyone Else's convenience, I am more than happy to be spending it elsewhere.

My 29th birthday is coming up... WOW! Honestly, it is still not really bothering me! When the kids have birthdays, it totally bugs me.. But when I do... I guess 29 still seems pretty young to me. Maybe 30 will bug me, as I have kept that as my "marker" of sorts.

Well, I guess I don't have alot of exciting stuff to share since all I have been doing is chauffeuring and sleeping... I even took over a week off tanning and only forced myself to go back today! Only because I knew I was wasting money by not going....

Afew people were riding me for not posting because they say it is the only way they know I'm alive! Ha ha... So yes, I'm here, I'm muddling through, and looking forward to some brighter days ahead!