If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I have a very "loud" personality... In the circles I have run in my life, I have found that I am the type of person, you either like, or you don't. I have never held it against people who have personality clashes with me, and I find that typically, I can feel that tension right away.

There are ups and downs to being a "loud" personality... I make friends/acquaintances much quicker than most... I can strike up a conversation almost anywhere, anytime. I can hold my own in most conversations. I am a natural leader, and a "go-getter"....

Unfortunately, with each up, comes a down. I think during this week, I have managed to hit almost every down there is. Despite having "toned down" my personality, and learning to be able to blend with a crowd when need be, and even learning to clue in pretty quickly when I am going to have a conflict with someone, or if our personalities are going to clash etc... I still have times, like this, where I wish that I wasn't wuite so outgoing. It is a horrible feeling to wish you could behave a different way, and to go back and fourth between feeling confident and self concious.

As much as I am loud and outgoing, I am extremely sensitive, and I avoid conflict at all costs. Avoiding conflict leads me to a place where I tend to bottle everything inside and often times end up exploding on small issues. Once in a while, I will actually hit a justified breaking point. Today was one of those times. I was in a position where I had to stand up for myself. Unfortunately it was in an incident where I shouldn't have to, because of that, I am angry... I am angry at having to justify myself, my integrity, my honour, and all based on nothing.

Paired with other stressors in my life, it is giving me a bit of a mind trip, and I find myself having to scrape myself off the ground again. What angers me more than having to validate myself, is that I actually allowed someone else, someone who has no signifigance in my life, to take me down this hard.

I have dealt with self esteem issues my whole life. From being a child and dealing with varying degrees of abuse, to having to deal with constant critisms, justifications of mysel... and always being told no, or you can't do that. I don't think there are many issues in my life that I haven't had to deal with... The fat child with a horrific overbite, the nieave young girl who was so smart but wasted her potential getting pregnant, the abusive and loser boyfriends, the illness and death of my mother, the alcoholics throught my family, the uncle who disowned me, being cheated on, cheating, the young single mom, anorexia, you name it, I have probably been there, and then we top the cake with cancer at 25.. Hell, let's make the deal even sweeter, Let's make all 3 of my children carry the cancer gene as well...

Im not looking for pity here, in fact it's the last thing I want, because honestly, I can say without a single doubt in my mind, that all of that built me up and made me who I am, which honestly, I have been feeling pretty proud of lately... I have overcome almost everything that has been thrown at me and then some.. and no, I didn't get the Masters Degree, and I don't own the house, or the cars, and I haven't done anything spectacular... No, you know what? I have! I have helped raise 3 beautiful, smart, daughters, who surprise me every day with how amazing they truley are and show me how much I have had an impact on their lives.

Aside from that, I have done something else I am pretty damn proud of... I overcame a depression that I thought I would never get out of, and I turned it around... I decided to make it my job to help other people. There isn't alot I can do right now, because I have a ways to go yet in building the organization, securing sponsorships, and building awareness. But in less than a year, I have already done so much with it.

I spend at least 3-6 hours a day, everyday, emailing, networking, corresponding others and trying to build something sustainable for the Young Adult community. I don't get a wage for this, I don't get anything more than anyone else gets... A chance at a better life with cancer.

What started out as a support group, and then a social group, became something more when I realized I could do something to help... Our first big step was when I went to a typical monthlu meeting and mentioned the retreat I was going to in Quebec. In seeing a response from others who wanted to go, I decided to do a fundraiser to assist with the costs... In the process, I realized that this was my passion... Event planning, helping other people, and seeing that I could make people happy.

While I was in Quebec, I was overjoyed to see how I was able to help people have a life changing experience. I have no intention of holding retreats within our own organization, but I realized that I could help other people get to these type of events.

When funding was done for Quebec, everyone got the same amount of assistance. Feather had a fundraiser just prior to mine on behalf of our group. Half of the funds she kept for her trip, and half were donated to the organizationg. The $360 donated by Feather, went into the pot. YACC provided $400 to each of us, Feather paid the remainder of her tickets with her funds, The rest of my $800.00 ticket and the majority of Michelles ticket, as well as a night at the Hilton Hotel in Montreal so we didn't have to red eye it, All the food the day of travel and the day of return were fully paid for with the combination of the $360 Feather put in and the rest was provided out of the organizations fundraised funds.

We had a Large banner custom made for the organization in order to be able to identify ourselves at the many community events we attended over the summer. We purchased a propane Firepit and a full propane tank for the evening of Relay and other outdoor events in the future to keep everyone warm (and thankful we did too.. It was REALLY cold Relay night). The Firepit and Propane remain in storage for organizational use. We purchased Ink to use for Flyers we printed, We purchased snacks for two out of our seven meetings (the rest I funded out of my pocket and never reimbursed), Gas for two of us to attend Relay for life in Chilliwack to promote, and we hosted a huge BBQ for Kristie, One of our Board members who has comitted numerous hours of her time, even after barely recovering from her last treatment and who had just been diagnosed with her 3rd cancer in 2 years. I could provide the other expenses if I were to pull out the records, but the point I'm getting at is that other than being able to go to Quebec with the other girls, on the same terms they did, I have not benefitted from what I have done. I work long and hard at everything I do for the organization, because it is my baby and I am a perfectionist when it comes to work I do. I don't want credit for anything I do. It's not why I do it. I get all the credit I need when I see that people are helped through what ever little I can do.
Anyone who has ever attended anything I have done on behalf of the organization, knows how much I put into what I do...

What I won't accept is people who have no idea what I do, who have never even been around to witness any aspect of our organization, staking claims that have no warrant. Today my integrity came into question when I was accused of running the organization for my own profit (or at least I assume that was the accusation, it was so covered in haste, it was hard to tell). This is one of the things I mentioned about my personality. For some reason, I attract drama. Maybe because I am so sensitive, people think I will take it and they will get a reaction, and I guess in this case, the person gets what they want. My problem is this, I cannot even phamon being able to accuse anyone of anything without some form of proof or at least asking questions I may have. I also cannot imagine why anyone would want so badly to hurt someone... to need so badly to hope and seek for bad in people. I guess some of my lack of understanding comes from my own desire to stay away from conflict, it makes it hard to understand why someone would create it without any cause.

I am hoping that if I can make it this year without any tumour issues, that I will go back to school in Sept. 09 and get my social work in hopes that I can better deal with issues such as this. I need to learn how to take the personal out of it, to be able to take it for what it is, instead of letting it affect my own integrity. I remember a conversation I had with someone of high rank in the organizational world. Someone I aspire to be like one day. I was told that these type of things are going to be a a part of what I do... Maybe not in the mannerism that this has taken form in, but in some way or another. There is always someone out there looking to bring you down when you are trying to make a stand. It's learning to seperate it and have strength in what it is that you are doing, because in the end, what you stand for will always show itself... Pretenders can only pretend for so long, when you are real, it shows.

So I pull my shoulders back, put my head back up, and I carry on, because to let something defeat me, is to let the one thing in my life win, that I refuse to let win... and that's negativity...

This quote is soo fitting...

Despite the immense challenges that we have faced and continue to face, we refuse to indulge in negativity or pessimism. We are an organization that believes in empowering people to be their best.
Talal Abu-Ghazaleh

Our organization is about finding a better quality of life. Finding a way to be empowered, and to conquer the negativitey. I am still learning too. I am constantly working towards being the person I want to be, and I will be learning for the rest of my life. I have made some really, really major steps this past year though, and yes, I am proud, and I have nothing to prove, because anyone who knows me, who really takes the time to see inside me, knows who I am, what I stand for, and how passionate I am, and that is all that is important.

The thing that I find the most ironic, is everyday, there is someone, somewhere throwing a fundraiser for something. Hell, I know of fundraisers that people throw for themselves! To each his own, but for every fundraiser that is held, there is hundreds of people, going through the same thing, or worse, on their own. People who are not crying out for help, people who have no complaints, people who just do what they have to do to get through. I can't help everybody, and in this world full of charities, we have to pick and choose what to support, with fundraisers on every corner, not that any one charity is more meritted than another, but because we just can't do everything. But what I can do, and what I am trying to do, is help the people who don't know how to go out and help themselves, who don't complain and look for a free ride every chance they get.

Right now in our organization, we have a 28 year old girl, 2 kids, married with a husband who works fulltime. She had breast cancer in 2006. After 5 failed reconstructive surgeries, she was finally headed in for her final reconstructive surgery.. 2 days after her surgerie, she felt great.. things were going well.. I was amazed how well she looked and how active she was. Shortly after, her incision started leaking. She continued to work. Her incision started to open, she continued to work.Finally, she ended up in emergency with her incision entirely open. Her surgery had faied, again. the skin was too thin to support the implant and her only option left is to take muscle and skin from her shoulder to rebuild. She has been through this so many times that she is on the verge of saying forget it. 28 years old and she is willing to give up on her body image to not have to go through it anymore. Better still, she gets to walk around with an open incision and a dead implant for a month, and she never complains.

Another girl in her very early twenties has a rare chronic cancer, a childhood cancer that is very rare in adults. She has had a full kidney removed, and a lung operation. Now she does weekly chemo. Not once has she ever complained. She is always "doing well" and "feeling good".

A young mother of two very small children. Diagnosed with breast cancer when newly pregnant with her second, and risked her life to carry her beautiful child to term. HEr english is broken and she finds it hard to communicate. She has just finished chemo and has little strength and barely gets through her days, but reaches out to no one.

Another girl, early thirties, is going through chemo for he 3rd round of cervical cancer in 2 years! She had just finished her last treatment and was rediagnosed within acouple of months. Again, she never complains, she never asks for, or accepts help. None of them do.

These are the inspirations that I see on a daily basis, the amazing young people who have so much strength, integrity, acourage. I wish I had half the courage that they do. I am so humbled by everything that I learn through the people I encounter on a constant basis. I feel so privellaged to have the oppurtunity to do what I am doing, and that is all I need to feel that what I am doing is worth while. My hope and healing comes through my interactions with others who amaze me.

So, I know this has turned into one of my blog novels, but as I mentioned, it has been one of those weeks where my personality has done me no favours.

I think I have injured a friendshipthrough combining friendship and business. I am devestated by it. I decided to do something I never do, and tried to be honest with my feelings. I thought by doing that, I would prvent any hostile feeling between us, but I think that it may have done the opposute and created hostility. So I am having some issues with myself on that one and not sure how to make it better. I thought I was doing what was best, but I am beginning to think that bottling things works more in my favour. Arggh.

Here's hoping the rest of my week goes better than it has so far. One of our silent auction sponsors is in the hospital with Kidney stones... I feel horrible for her because I know what Kidney pain feels like and I do not envy her. At the same time I am panicking a bit as her donations were a good part of the auction and I am concerned I may not be able to pull it off without it. Positive thoughts would be great at this point if you can spare them! *Smile*