It has been some time since I have been to therapy. My therapist was finished her required time towards her masters, while she still practises, it is very part time, and is no longer as financially accessible to me... I miss her dearly and many of the things she instilled in me, have brought me to the place I am in my life, and I am grateful.

One of the things she helped me keep in check, has slowly re emerged in my life, and I am losing the focus I previously had to deal with it. I am frustrated beyond belief as I feel as if I have regressed to the place I was prior to therapy in this one way. I know inside me that I have made strides towards becoming much stronger in dealing with the reprecussions that result from this issue, but yet I feel myself having the same struggles I did before, this time, the ways I have learned to deal with it, are not offering me the same reprieve as they used to. I am quickly finding myself at the end of a rope that has become shorter and shorter over the past several years. I am struggling with myself on the best way to deal with it.

I find strength in the fact that I have been able to have somewhat of a "que sera sera" attitude on alot of the stuggles I have been dealing with. I accredit much of this to my previous therapist as well as some creative visualization/meditation techniques that I have recently gone back to, and yes, as much as I hate to admit it.. the perfected combination of medication to deal with my extreme anxiety and the depression I have dealt with since losing my mom, and trying to deal with my own mortality. I don't talk about the use of my anti depressants, I think that the fact that any Dr. will hand them out hap-hazzardly to anyone who says they've ever been upset, has made it socially "stylish" to use A.D.s Personally, I have been prescribed a multitude of A.D.s and never accepted them.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was no longer able to handle my emotions. Since the death of my mother 18 months previous, I spent the majority of my days feeling numb or depressed, I wasn't sleeping anymore, and I was made to feel embarrassed for not being able to move past the pain. I decided to try A.D.s in hopes that I could better deal with my emotions. I went through about 6 different prescriptions through my GP. Side Effects and dissatisfaction with them, just led My dr. at the time to diagnose higher doses, or throw me another type. One day, after being unable to lose weight and having dealt with severe migraines and seeing a neurologist, I was told to get off of Birth Control, as they felt it was causing my weight to stay and also contributed to my headaches.

When I went off the Birth Control, I realized I was taking so many medications and I didn't even know what half of them were for. I cut myself off everything and slowly took on the just the necessary medications. For six months I took nothing, and I did realize that they were helping, but was distatisfied with just taking whatever happened to be in the free handout drawer at my Dr.s office.

I had been put on a wait list for a psychiatrist and after a year, I was able to get in to see him. It was nice to actually have a Dr. ask how I was feeling and customize the medication based on how I felt and what was good for my specific symptoms. The very first prescription he put me on was perfect. Over a year, he has ajusted and added to it as needed. I never thought I would be someone to succumb to the medical inclination to medicate emotions. I was so scared of the thought of becoming more numb. I have always enjoyed my high times, and did not want to give up the loving life feeling to become numb in order to not feel down. It seems like today anyone who feels sad, had depression, and I do not condone that at all....It actually frustrates the hell out of me when people cannot distinguish that in life, we all have low times, there is always something that will make you unhappy or sad, but just because you feel that way, does not mean that you have depression... Depression is something very distinct.. When you have true depression, you cannot turn it off and on, it is with you and overyour head like a dark cloud, even when you are happy and all seems fine, there is always something not right.

Breaking up with boyfriends, having a spat with a friend, being lazy, etc, those are normal life events that suck big time, but for anyone who has had depression, in the reality, knows that it is not something you get over.

I am actually at a point where I have no problem with it. It's not like I go around talking about it, but it is what it is, and it is something I have come to terms with and in most situations, I am able to deal with. I think for me, it took huge strength to admit to myself or anyone else, that I was having issues, I see people in the same situation I was all the time, and I am really glad that I enabled myself to move past it.

I am not sure how I got on to that, but.. The long and the short of it is, I guess I am once again at a crossroads and have to choose which way I am going to go. I hate that I am once again forced into this spot, and I hate even more that I have to deal with it... I guess that's the Libra in me though.

In the meantime, I have bought all my moto gear, and start my first lesson on Friday night. I am very excited to finally be doing something that I have wanted for so long!

I had my grand opening Jolica party last night and it went really well. I feel very strongly that I have made a good choice with this company and am eager to start having parties of my own. The jewellery is so beautiful, everyone who sees it, loves it and I love it myself. I think this will be a great side business for me.

I saw Kristie and she looks great, but is losing hair like crazy. She is heading to shop for wigs in the morning. It is nice to see her resemble her normal self though. It has been so hard to sit by and not be able to do anything for her.

Michelle texted me this morning from the island, and she spent the morning in the ER. Her incision reopened. She says she is fine but pissed that she had to go through it.

I was able to see Conway early this week, and he was still in his amazingly bright spirits! More surprising, he has grown a full moustache and beard!! Most people can't keep their own hair on Chemo, let alone grow facial hair! I honestly believe Conway is 10' tall and bullet proof. He did look a little dark through the eyes and was fairly clammy, he says he is just getting over a flu, and I am hoping that is all it is. I am so glad to see him doing so well.

I have taken on a position with my daughters dance school, to help them arrange performances for the kids. It works in line with YCSC as I am often in touch with these type of events on behalf of YCSC, so now I can just do both at once. It is a volunteer position, but it is a way I can help out the studio without having to do much physically.

I can't believe the kids are back to school in just over a month! I still have to do school shopping.

My shoulder has made huge progress. I am still getting pretty tense headaches quite often, and massage therapy has been a life saver.. expensive, but I honestly wonder where I would be without it.

I suppose that is plenty for now. I will write more soon... There's deffinately enough to write about right now! I have to try and slow down on the blog novels!!