The last 24 hours have been amazing for YCSC. We officially have our first two corporate sponsors! Boone County and YCSC have made an agreement to be the annual location for our club night fundraisers. Basically it means that they will support us at our once a year event, and throughout the year they will collect prizes through promotional materials, bands that play there etc. I asked them to take this position for us after they have been absolutely amazing through the planning of this event. Johnny, the manager, has been touched by young cancer himself, as he lost his mother at a young age to cancer. They will advertise and support our efforts on whatever level they can, and I am honoured to have them as an official sponsor. On our end, we will use their very cool logo on all our advertising and gear. We will also end our Spring Ride for young cancer at their bar. I think that the club is a mid aged ranged clientelle that will be great for support in an environment that YCSC members can feel comfortable in.

The second sponsor is a little more controversial, I know that the decision I have made to have them on board will tun off some, but I stand firm in my decision and I feel that it will be a great partnership as well. Michelle and I were out canvassing for silent auction items. In one of he strip malls, there was an adult novelty store, I joked about going in to request a donation. We laughed for a bit and then Michelle says, "Well, why not try?"

I am a very open minded individual and have never ben one to pass judgement on anything that anyone chooses to do as long as it does not hurt themselves or others. While we live in a society that is slowly loosening up when it comes to personal choices on a variety of levels, there are still something that are sensitive to some people.

Adult stores are one of those things that I think a good part of poplation has utilized to some degree, but aside from the more outgoing and less discrete, most people don't discuss it. Personally, I believe there is a time and a place for everything.

Michelle joked that if we were to have a silent auction item of this nature, being that the event is being held in a night club, it would be a great conversation piece and would likely strike some competitiveness on who would bid on it, pay the most for it etc.. One of the things we have always promoted with our organizational events, is fun. When someone comes to our events, they know why they are coming, chances are they personally know someone who is affected by cancer, and they are there to support them. This being said, there is no reason for us to set the mood somber at our events. Also since our organization stands for quality of life, it is important to us that our events are not only a fundraiser, but a good time for our members and an upbeat image of those of us who are clawing our way through whatever stage of our illness we are in.

As an additional item, I know that sexuality and personal relationships are often a source of discussion amongst the young adult cancer community, and it is sad to see how many people feel this has to be such a private struggle. The truth is that many marriages and relationships have sexual issues at some point and that is without the added bonus of loss of self esteem and sexual tensions that come with young cancer, heck cancer of any age!

Regardless, it d0es come down to alot of fun! People have been having sex toy parties in their homes for years. It's on TV, it's in the newspapers, people do talk about it more and more these days, but I am very aware that by taking this partnership, I will offend some, to those people, I appologize in advance, and welcome anyone who would like to discuss my stand point on this further. My decision to accept the sponsorship of an Adult Novelty store, does not change the group, what we stand for, or how we help, it only means that we will allow sexual expression items at our club night events.

The store we first went to, turned us down on behalf of their supporting Children's Charities only. We all have to pick and choose our causes, there are so many desperate charities out there just like us, and even I have had to choose my core charities to support.

This left me with time to think overnight and come to the decision I did. The intent was to go and ask a good acquaintance of mine who happens to run the adult store in Mission, for a donation for the auction. At first she said she would ask the owner, as we talked, she started putting bottles on the counter. She told me she would talk to her distributors as well and get back to me, within acouple hours she had called back and had settup gift baskets through several of her suppliers! We discussed again for a bit and she too, offered to collect items over the year for us to use at events as suitable. I have a feeling that this will be a very succesful source of support for us as these baskets are quite valuable.

We have also had the complete and total support of White Bear Tattoo, I have talked about Conway before, the tattoo arist who was diagnosed with Lymphoma and did our Young Strength tattoos for us. He has agreed to do on site tattooing at our next event and donate a portion back to our organization, he has also donated two hours of tatoo time to our auction. Conways support has been amazing and inspirational!

I know that our first few sponsors could be somewhat controversial, but I stand behind them 100%. Each and every one is doing what they are doing to support our cause full heartedly, and while they not be the traditional sources of sponsorship, they each hold their own connections to young cancer and in some way or another have the faces of typical young adult normalacy to them. My job as a Director and facilitator in YCSC is to provide oppurtunity, and funding for our objectives. We have made some HUGE steps in the past several months, and even without our charity status, we have some strong supporters behind us. We will continue to move forward and will always consider all offers of support, decisions will be made based on suitablity and oppurtunity available.

On a personal level, I am struggling a bit. I have been in fairly consistent pain for the past two weeks. I haven't been sleeping well and have felt drained and stressed consistently. My shoulder, My tailbone, Headaches and lack of energy. Once again I am finding myself irritated and annoyed with my inability to accomplish as many things as I need to, in a limited amount of time, with the physical limitations I am having. At the same time, I feel guilt that I am complaining when I have dear friends going through much more severe physical extremes than myself.

I am hoping to have all the event planning finished by Friday night, and will spend next week wrapping prizes, and doing all of the computer work based event stuff.

I have my first theory class for my class 6 licence on Friday night, and am really hoping that my body works out it's glitches before I start my bike time. I know they are fairly small bikes we learn on, but am concerned about the extra weight on my shoulder, the pressure on my tailbone and my ability to focus. As always, I am determined, and will do it regardless. I am also starting to feel the need to get back to work. We are waiting on Chris's surgery date to try and figure out our timeline, but I am hoping to be back to work by mid september.

On the upside, I have began getting my head around the back to the school scheduling, and have started working my tanning back in, I have a beautiful bronze glow right now, and am happy to be making the time again. In september, Chris and I are going to join a gym. Chris is going to work his arms and legs as well as cardio while he wait for his surgery so he will heal faster and so he can get himself toned up after surgery in hopes of continuing in the forces. I am going o be working on Cardio and my core muscles in hopes of bringing down my chronic pain syndrome again. When I was doing the home workouts, I was feeling alot better. I am hoping paying the gym membership will help motivate me.... The gym is beautiful, it has a swimming pool, hot tub, pretty well everything! I am really looking forward to it, and secretly hoping it will help firm up all the flabby, hangy skin I have from all the weight I lost last year.

Kristie had her appointment today with her new oncologist and has been given some prescriptions names to cross check with her extended medical to see if she is covered, and they will then plan the treatment. He sas the lump in her neck has gone down and is less grainy. I continue to stay optimistic.

I just want to put a quick warning out there,

Today we came very close to be scammed by a "loan company". In attempting to rebuild our credit, consolidate one of our higher bills with a Motorcycle loan, we called an ad in the paper

"No credit? Bad Credit? No Problem"

We left a message on a somewhat sketchy answering machine. We received a call back a day later (today) and the "loan consultant" asked some financial questions. Chris had a ton of questions and he had very little patience for it. The first sign that made us nervous, is he never asked what we make for household income.

He promised a call back in an hour if he could help us, luckily, he also only took acouple digits of Chris's SIN #. Chris found that odd, but I thought it was possibly just for consumer protection.

Just over an hour later, he called back to say we had been approved. During that hour, we crunched some numbers, along with the financing rate and monthly payments he had provided and we decided to go $1000.00 higher in order to get the slightly nicer and much newer bike than we would have.

Chris asked if it was a problem to request the extra $1000.00 NO PROBLEM! We had been approved for $9500.00... WHAT?! Something's not right there.. A) the amount was no where near what we requested, B) even if we found a lender who took us on high risk, there is no way a high risk lender is giving out $10,000.00 with no assets or anything.

So right away the doubt sets in, but it was pretty much sealed when he said that they were just the brokers and there would be an insurance fee of $478 to secure the loan, but since Chris is military, they would "Waive" one of the fees and we just had to pay $175, via Western Union or a Cheque. Uhmmm.. Ya, somewhere I had read something about Western Union and Lenders... So my spider sense went up. Chris feeling equally as sceptic, began doing research.

We even called him back and asked him to provide validity that he was legit, to which he encouraged us to look him up on BBB and Chamber of Commerce. He stated they were a branch of "The Lending Tree" but that they go by "Keyser & Roberts Financial" Well Lending tree came up as being no longer in existance except in the US as a mortgage company. and the K&R company was no where to be found online...

Their phone number was though!! Under a scam report listed, with the exact same scenario as ours, under a different company name "
http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/356/RipOff0356880.htm

As if we didn't already know, we decided at that point that it was deffinately a scam...obviously. I would have never just wired money without researching, but it shows how scary it is... Chris an I are knowledgeable, and had heard of similar things before, but never would have thought we would personally encounter them, and in our own community newspaper too! We have searched the ad and it is in numerous community papers and buy and sells.. STAY AWAY!

It is sad when you have made an honest living for years since you have made any credit mistakes, yet you are still so desperate to rebuild that you can almost be conned into this type of thing.

Later this evening I was also able to find this link.. Some poor guy actually lost almost $500 to this scam!

Please warn your family and friends, because it is out there, it is very real and it happens to normal people. We were just very, very, very lucky this time.


http://800notes.com/Phone.aspx/1-416-208-3957

I continue to feel highly emotionally overcharged. There are still some issues I have yet to deal with that are on the front burner...I am intentionally keeping there as a fire under my butt to make sure I deal with them, but I have not found the strength to do so yet. Along with the stresses I have mentioned recently, I have newly added stressors that I am trying to manage while stil maintaining perspective.

Tonight I had a nice break from the norm with a visit from the Poulton family. We had planned a get together and decided to go with Pizza and board games at our house. It was a nice change and good to spend more time getting reacquainted. Alan was an old highschool friend from grade 8, that I was able to reconnect with about 6 years ago, but being on the island, we have only recently begun to have our families get together. We are, and always have been very similar personalities, and his wife is a doll. They are also huge supporters of YCSC and have donated door prizes, silent auction items, personal contributions to benefit all our Young Cancer Survivors.

Wednesday night I had my grand opening Jolica party. It went amazingly well. Seeing all the jewellery in person and seeing how much others like it too, was really great. I feel really good about my involvement with this company, and am also very amazed at the generosity of their incentive program. I can't wait for my jewellery to come in so I can begin to wear it! There are so many things I want and it's exciting that I am building my business and my jewellery collection at once! I have never owned really nice jewellery, and this stuff is cool because I can wear it for casual or dress up.

Less than two weeks until Kickin it Country Style. I am anxious and nervous all at once, not alot unlike the last pub night, but this time I am way less organized at this point then I was last one. I am hoping that it will all pan out well, Michelle and I will begin to lay the foundation.

My tailbone has gotten more and more sensitive and I constantly hear it make noises and pop. I pretty well have to sit on a pillow all the time now. Obviously nothing showed on the Xray, which is not necessarilly a good thing on several accounts...
1- There's nothing wrong.. If this is the case, how do I make it better?
2-It is VHL related... Since the vhl is cystic or vascular, it doesn't show on xrays.
3-It doesn't help me get the MRI any faster.. if there had been a shadow or something, it would have expedited my scan.
I am trying to stay positive.. It is just very difficult with the pain.

Kids are back to school,cheer,dance and swim so soon! Crazy how fast the summer went. Even little Trinity goes to dance this year... So crazy!

Well I am going to try and relax for a bit before bed. My anxiety has been especially high the past few nights and even my normal sleep ritual is not helping.. I feel the meds kicking in, but they don't help. I am hoping it passes soon.










L

It has been some time since I have been to therapy. My therapist was finished her required time towards her masters, while she still practises, it is very part time, and is no longer as financially accessible to me... I miss her dearly and many of the things she instilled in me, have brought me to the place I am in my life, and I am grateful.

One of the things she helped me keep in check, has slowly re emerged in my life, and I am losing the focus I previously had to deal with it. I am frustrated beyond belief as I feel as if I have regressed to the place I was prior to therapy in this one way. I know inside me that I have made strides towards becoming much stronger in dealing with the reprecussions that result from this issue, but yet I feel myself having the same struggles I did before, this time, the ways I have learned to deal with it, are not offering me the same reprieve as they used to. I am quickly finding myself at the end of a rope that has become shorter and shorter over the past several years. I am struggling with myself on the best way to deal with it.

I find strength in the fact that I have been able to have somewhat of a "que sera sera" attitude on alot of the stuggles I have been dealing with. I accredit much of this to my previous therapist as well as some creative visualization/meditation techniques that I have recently gone back to, and yes, as much as I hate to admit it.. the perfected combination of medication to deal with my extreme anxiety and the depression I have dealt with since losing my mom, and trying to deal with my own mortality. I don't talk about the use of my anti depressants, I think that the fact that any Dr. will hand them out hap-hazzardly to anyone who says they've ever been upset, has made it socially "stylish" to use A.D.s Personally, I have been prescribed a multitude of A.D.s and never accepted them.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was no longer able to handle my emotions. Since the death of my mother 18 months previous, I spent the majority of my days feeling numb or depressed, I wasn't sleeping anymore, and I was made to feel embarrassed for not being able to move past the pain. I decided to try A.D.s in hopes that I could better deal with my emotions. I went through about 6 different prescriptions through my GP. Side Effects and dissatisfaction with them, just led My dr. at the time to diagnose higher doses, or throw me another type. One day, after being unable to lose weight and having dealt with severe migraines and seeing a neurologist, I was told to get off of Birth Control, as they felt it was causing my weight to stay and also contributed to my headaches.

When I went off the Birth Control, I realized I was taking so many medications and I didn't even know what half of them were for. I cut myself off everything and slowly took on the just the necessary medications. For six months I took nothing, and I did realize that they were helping, but was distatisfied with just taking whatever happened to be in the free handout drawer at my Dr.s office.

I had been put on a wait list for a psychiatrist and after a year, I was able to get in to see him. It was nice to actually have a Dr. ask how I was feeling and customize the medication based on how I felt and what was good for my specific symptoms. The very first prescription he put me on was perfect. Over a year, he has ajusted and added to it as needed. I never thought I would be someone to succumb to the medical inclination to medicate emotions. I was so scared of the thought of becoming more numb. I have always enjoyed my high times, and did not want to give up the loving life feeling to become numb in order to not feel down. It seems like today anyone who feels sad, had depression, and I do not condone that at all....It actually frustrates the hell out of me when people cannot distinguish that in life, we all have low times, there is always something that will make you unhappy or sad, but just because you feel that way, does not mean that you have depression... Depression is something very distinct.. When you have true depression, you cannot turn it off and on, it is with you and overyour head like a dark cloud, even when you are happy and all seems fine, there is always something not right.

Breaking up with boyfriends, having a spat with a friend, being lazy, etc, those are normal life events that suck big time, but for anyone who has had depression, in the reality, knows that it is not something you get over.

I am actually at a point where I have no problem with it. It's not like I go around talking about it, but it is what it is, and it is something I have come to terms with and in most situations, I am able to deal with. I think for me, it took huge strength to admit to myself or anyone else, that I was having issues, I see people in the same situation I was all the time, and I am really glad that I enabled myself to move past it.

I am not sure how I got on to that, but.. The long and the short of it is, I guess I am once again at a crossroads and have to choose which way I am going to go. I hate that I am once again forced into this spot, and I hate even more that I have to deal with it... I guess that's the Libra in me though.

In the meantime, I have bought all my moto gear, and start my first lesson on Friday night. I am very excited to finally be doing something that I have wanted for so long!

I had my grand opening Jolica party last night and it went really well. I feel very strongly that I have made a good choice with this company and am eager to start having parties of my own. The jewellery is so beautiful, everyone who sees it, loves it and I love it myself. I think this will be a great side business for me.

I saw Kristie and she looks great, but is losing hair like crazy. She is heading to shop for wigs in the morning. It is nice to see her resemble her normal self though. It has been so hard to sit by and not be able to do anything for her.

Michelle texted me this morning from the island, and she spent the morning in the ER. Her incision reopened. She says she is fine but pissed that she had to go through it.

I was able to see Conway early this week, and he was still in his amazingly bright spirits! More surprising, he has grown a full moustache and beard!! Most people can't keep their own hair on Chemo, let alone grow facial hair! I honestly believe Conway is 10' tall and bullet proof. He did look a little dark through the eyes and was fairly clammy, he says he is just getting over a flu, and I am hoping that is all it is. I am so glad to see him doing so well.

I have taken on a position with my daughters dance school, to help them arrange performances for the kids. It works in line with YCSC as I am often in touch with these type of events on behalf of YCSC, so now I can just do both at once. It is a volunteer position, but it is a way I can help out the studio without having to do much physically.

I can't believe the kids are back to school in just over a month! I still have to do school shopping.

My shoulder has made huge progress. I am still getting pretty tense headaches quite often, and massage therapy has been a life saver.. expensive, but I honestly wonder where I would be without it.

I suppose that is plenty for now. I will write more soon... There's deffinately enough to write about right now! I have to try and slow down on the blog novels!!

Just a real quick update as I did not sleep at all last night due to the percocet. I woke chris up trying to strangle him on three occassions, as I felt like I was paralyzed and drowning all night.

-On the tailbone front, I could not get in for the xray today. Will go tomorrow, hoping for results on Monday, though I am sure they will be non diagnostic as it is unlikely something that will show on an xray.

-Chris went into Chilliwack for his final release appointments there, and was told they received word this morning that he was approved for his extension request. We have no details on how long the extension is set for, and we assume they are waiting to receive word back from the private clinic to know when surgery will be... Since it seems they will go private clinic, it will likely be very soon.

-No release is good news on our income front as we will not suffer the financial hit yet, but it is still inevitable, just gives us a little longer to have some breathing room.

-No release means no trip to Victoria, a bit of a bummer as we were really looking forward to the night away at a nice hotel, but we will get to anyways at whatever point they do decide to release him. Luckily, the Bedford was very nice and waived the mandatory 48 hour cancellation policy for us.

-No release also may mean no RRSP... If Chris is released before 3 years served time, he would receive all his pension pay in, in a lump sum into an RRSP. After 3 years, he instead receives a pension. Good in one way as it would be a higher payout over time, a let down in another as we were hoping the $6000.00 would be a good chunk towards a home purchase in the next 5 years.

-No release could mean that when he is released, we will be less burdened... If he reaches the 3 year point on Oct.29, he gets an annual pay increase, which means that we will get slightly more per month than if he were to release right now, not a huge difference, maybe an extra $140 a month, but that's something.

-No release increases the amount of time he has to complete his schooling, which is one of the main reasons we were hoping for it.

-Haven't heard from Kristie in afew days, feeling very anxious for her to feel better soon. I hate that she is so unwell.

-My sister donated a newer model laptop to the organization that she was able to receive through a connection at the UBC laptop refurbishing program. It is much faster than the previous laptop, which is very exciting. The previous laptop will stay in organization possesions as I am sure it will be used in the near future for other board members.

-Non profit paper work is finally done and will be mailed out tomorrow. WOO HOO!

-Hoping to get going on fundraiser planning in the next week. Tickets will be available soon, check the website www.ycsc.ca for more details, under events.

Good night all.

It seems to be the season of cancer. Truth be told, I thought long and hard about whether I would write this entry... but felt it would be unfair to leave anyone uninformed, however little information I may have at this moment. One of the biggest decisions in whether or not to talk about what is going on, was how it would affect the people around me.

I try to lead by example as much as I can... I know I am not always the best example, but I honestly try to run the organization and my support for those affected with cancer around me, with as little self involvement in regards to my own cancer as I can, but the truth is, the reason that I do what I do, is because of my own cancer, and my need to make sure that others do not battle in the same ways I do in my chronic and constant struggle with my illness.

There are many people around me right now who are seriously suffering with their illness, and I feel honoured to be able to be a part of their tremendously strong journey back to health. I would never want to have others brought down by my own health, however I also have to be honest with those in my life. Please know that at this point, I know nothing more than what I am about to type and there is no reason to stress or worry for me. I want to be sure that those of you who are focussed on your health, stay that way, and even if this turns out to be yet another journey for me, that you will continue to put yourselves first, because through your strengths, I am building my own.

Ok....

I have mentioned my tailbone several times... This has been an issue since about a month after my first surgery, back in Jan. 06. Shortly after my brain surgery, I had a full spinal MRI, and other than a small lession at the cervical bone level(upper back) I was clear. In approx. April of 06, I again complained about the tailbone pain that was not subsiding. I was sent for an Xray. The Xray did not show anything, typically, from this point, further testing would have been ordered, however, in that xray, a shadow was seen, which lead me on route to finding my Kidney cancer. I ignored or tried to play down the pain for some time, and I think that even at some points it discipated, but it would inevitably come back on and off. In the past 6 months, it had become very strong. I cannot ever sit flat on my buttocks as it feels like I am on a pile of sharp rocks. I rotate between sitting on either butt cheek or on the edge of my seat.

Last night I was sitting and went to stand up, I swore I heard almost a popping noise, followed by a clicking every time I moved my tailbone. I deceided it was time to address this again with my GP. I was examined and the Dr used one of my favorite words.... "There is a dicernable *LUMP*" It appears to be moveable... and there is no other speculation or information.

So... At this point, I know nothing. Not even guesses.. There are many possibilities, but... I really have no clue. The worst part is, at this point, I almost hope that there is something there, obviously the least damaging the better.. but if there is something there, at least I can hopefully end the pain.

Some ideas? VHL Causes benign tumours and cysts on the central nervous system... The tailbone is not considered part of the CNS, however the nerves and muscles attatched to it are... so there is a slight possibility, though rare, that it could be a benign tumour. The tumour could be very small, as it was obviously not detected on the MRI 2 years ago, but even witha very small tumour, it can become cystic.. If this happens, it causes pain, and makes it essential to remove, as with my brain tumour in 06.

So this is a possibility.

It could also just be a VHL cyst alone.

Another possibility is a secondary syndrome that sometimes runs parallel with VHL... But it is extremely rare, and results in a pain similar to that of sitting on a pile of rocks...

There is always the option that it is completely unrelated to my syndrome or my cancer as well... unfortunately asa cancer patient, it is hard to allow yourself to have something "normal".

In the end, We just have no idea and we will just have to see what happens.

I have to admit, my spirit is slightly dampered at the fact that it is actually "something" written on paper now, it is always easier to just deal with it as an unexplained pain, than it is to go through the diagnosis process. I am trying to hold high thoughts that it is nothing. I am seeing signs that like me, the constant uncertainties are wearing on Chris as well, as he is asking me alot of questions and trying to assure me it will be fine, which I know means he is trying to assure himself. I will not be mentioning anything to the kids right now as I do not want to work them up over something that may be nothing.

In the meantime, Yesterday was an eventful day as I made two major steps. Firstly. I went for my Motorcycle learners licence yesterday and passed with 89% in only 9 minutes! I am very proud of myself. Then I went and did something huge for me. In honour of Kristie about to lose her hair to chemo, I did something that is very scary for me. I use my hair as a protection from the possibility that I may have to have other brain surgeries for the remaining tumours left in my head, which isn't a huge risk as they are very small and could, in theory, stay there for life with no issues, but I have had this thing, that if I keep my hair long, I would have that safety net if I had to have it partially shaved again. Yesterday I cut 10" off. It is cropped very short in the back and slants forward in the front. I have gotten so many compliments and actually really like it, but it comes with alot of insecurities due to the risks. But since I cannot shave my head, I wanted to do something drastic in Kristies honour. She hasn't seen it yet as she has been pretty rough the past few days. I hope she will pull through the pain and nausea over the next few days.

I need to go for now, it has been a bit of a rough day, I had to take percocet tonight as the combination of my chronic pain, my tailbone pain, and a nasty menstral cycle, has left my in alot of discomfort.. Unfortunately, taking the percs, mans heavy nausea right now. We also went to the new batman movie, which is long and it was very difficult for me to sit and I am really tired to begin with.

Could it be that I actually have a full weekend of nothingness? Granted, that is only the nothingness of having to physically do anything, not the nothingness of the mind as I have a gazillion things going on in my head, but I have nothing to get done in specific.



My goal is to study up for my motrcycle learners which I plan to take on Monday. I am a wee bit nervous as I realize over the years I have deffinately developed sloppy road habits, but with any luck I will get it and be able to go ahead and book our classes. It is possible that we may not get in until September or even October, but that i probably alright as I still have some healing to do on my upper shoulder/neck.

This morning I went for massage therapy and was in heaven as I had the worst headache when I went in...I have had a terrible headache on and off for the past week or two. I have actually been feeling entirely off in general and the pain in my tailbone just doesn't seem to settle either, but as I was saying, I told my therapist about my headache, he worked on my neck for awhile and asked if it was easing at all.. It was, but not a lot. I happened to mention to him that I was missing the days where I would get sam or boo to do my hair to ease the headaches, as they have no concept of tension and pressure, so they pull extremely hard, and ever since my craniotomy, it seemed to be the only effective relief for my headaches. My therapist was thrilled.. "REALLY? Do you mind if I try?" I was a little taken a back, but he explained that it was his favorite technique to relieve scalp pressure as well and that he never feels comfortable asking if it is alright to pull peoples hair. I said sure, and OMG It was instant relief.. It was amazing. I am now wishing I had a son...ha ha.. the strength of his hands and the tension on my scalp, I left feeling light as a feather.

On the subject of health, I am finally getting some of my appointments lined up for this years screening. Samantha will see the neurologist in October to be referred for her first Cranial CT. The same month, I head to see a vascular surgeon to discuss options with my legs. The left leg, which I had stripped of Vericous veins about 5 years ago, is now covered in new ones. My right leg was never done, and has several smaller ones and a very large on on the back of my leg that clots on a fairly frequent basis. This becomes a concern whenever I have to go in for surgeries, as the risk of my leg clotting after a surgery could be life threatening. I am hoping it can all be dealt with using laser, but I am pretty open to whatever it takes, as the stripping surgery was actually not all that bad. I also received the phonecall for my two year full body MRI today. Usually a 3.5 hour scan, they have broken it into two, so I go for the first portion, the spinal, late October and the second protion, for the cranium, in Early November. I am relieved to have these booked but anxious about having it done at the same time. I hate the psychosis that comes with all of this. I also booked our retinal exams, but they are so overbooked, that we are not in until January. So now with dates on the calendar, begins the wait and countdown to what is hopefully, some clear scans. I follow up for my kidneys in December, but they are trying to spare me the radiation involved with CT, so it is unlikley I will scan for them until Spring 09.

We had planned to go out and look at bikes again today, when I went out yesterday, I didn't have the nerve to ask if I could try sitting on one. So we decided today we would go out so I could, but I laid down with Trin and we woke up 4 hours later! Needless to say, we missed the shop, but we grabbed a pizza and came home to catch up on some neglected recordings on our PVR.We are trying to get through the 4 hours of SYTYCD, and we are behind on Canadian Idol, as well as the new releases I picked up yesterday and the last disk of season 3 of Weeds.

When I was out for my massage this morning, Idropped off the poster for "Kickin it Country Style". I was really nervous about how it would print, and I was only going to have 5 printed up anyways as I wanted to put in the sponsors once we know who they are, but Staples made an error and I ended up with 15 for the same price! They came our AWESOME! I was soo thrilled. It is so gratifying, after 2 years of not doing anything graphic related, to be able to pull off something half decent, was pretty cool. The only thing I messed up on, was the nostrils of the bull in the Boone County Logo, which I am hoping I am the only one who notices, but I left them white instead of colouring them to the yellow I did the logo in. Slightly annoying that I didn't pick that up until it was printed, but such is life. I will get afew of these out over the next week and then will get another version together with the sponsors in about 2 weeks. If you would like a copy of the poster, please let me know and I will arrange to get one to you. Once again, we are looking for door prize and silent auction item donations, Also, if you are unable to attend, we are more than happy to take a donation, feel free to email me for more details.

One thing I have not mentioned, my niece Kaelyn, got in a serious jet ski accident, while it seems she is improving, she got quit a thunk on the head and sounds like some pretty serious bruising. The person she was riding with, apparently sustained some pretty major injuries. Please send positive thoughts out their way for a full and speedy recovery. I should mention this happened acouple weeks back now, but I am still concerned for the health of those involved. Much like th fear that comes with me getting my bike licence, it only takes once.

We are looking forward to going to see the new Batman this week with Chris's parents, the kids, and our niece and nephew. We have been waiting awhile so we could all see it together. Also looking forward to Thursday when we will head to Victoria for our night at the Bedford. If we are able to get over Victoria early enough, we are going to head out for dinner and drinks with Shauna, my roomate from Retreat in Quebec, and her husband. I am looking forward to connecting again.

The appointments the next day shouldn't be too bad, as there is only two and they should be short. As far as our extension request, and trying to get Chris in for surgery at a private clinic, we were advised today that the case is in front of Dmed pole, they are the medical division of the DND, who makes the medical based decisions. It seems odd that it skipped the steps in between, and we are nervous that it may be a ploy to assist in the passing of time, therfor the limitation in option prior to his upcoming release date. We are holding our breathes that it is waht it is, and that we will get extended long enough for him to get in and out of treatment. We head in to Chilliwack on Wednesday to turn in his gear. Monday he goes in for the optometrist, which is good, because I am sure he needs stronger glasses.. though get him to admit that!

Well, two nights of blogging in a row! That's a feat for me, so I am off for now. Oh, Happy Birthday Katie! Can't wait to see you again.. hopefully in Lake Louise!

Again, I know... I have not been writting much. I have felt so overloaded lately, yet at the same time I feel like I am getting nothing accomplished. It is a very frustrating feeling. I have so many things that I have to get done that I have been procrastinating. My days are filled to the brim, but I am not sure what I have been doing with them. The summer is almost gone... Only 3 short weeks left before reality kicks in. I suppose the nice part of everything is I have stayed so busy, it has left no time for me to dwell or over analyse anything, which is a positive for me.

One thing I could not mention in my last entry was Kristies Kick off to Chemo party. This diagnosis is #4 in a year for Kristie and it had brought everyone down with it. I wanted to do something to lift everyone's spirits before she took on the beast again. After contacting her sister and mom, it was decided we would throw a big backyard party to celebrate her victory in advance. We kept it a surprise and I thre it together in just over a week as we wanted to make sure it happened before her first chemo. After many long days of planning and organizing, the day came together beautifully. I estimate that there were about 30-35 of us. I rented tables,chairs and linens for 40. We did it potluck and hosted a BBQ. I had a vision of how I wanted it to look and was frustated that, although the sunshine came out for us after a week of rain and overcast, the wind did as well. The map I had in my head of how I intended to decorate, was out the window. After almost an hour and a half of trying to get the flimsy rental arch to stay up, and an hour of hopelessly trying to get streamers and ballons the way I envisioned them, I was forced to do something I don't normally, and give up. I worked with the wind and managed a barely decent decoration job. as always I am sure I was much harder on myself than others, but I had this image in my mind of a beautiful back yard wedding styled event. The food and the company was fantastic. We had some great laughs and some well earned cries... Ok, maybe only I cried, but I'm sorry, I'm a sap. We giggled over Kristie's brother who is now lovingly referred to as Chef Ramsay for his gourmet contribution and hour spent in my kitchen preparing. I was given a lovely gift in not having to BBQ as it is typically my post and doesn't leave any time for me to socialize. The kids took off together and we barely saw them all afternoon. It really was a great afternoon and Kristie was completely shocked when she drove up to a yard full of cheerin family and friends. I was so happy that most of our YCSC group were able to make it out too. With the $250 in donations Kristie received, we were able to purchase her a Hot stone massage, a Micro skin treatment, both at Euro Spa, A cuddly stuffed lamb with a little heatable insert for her to use on Chemo and a nice dinner out for whenever she chooses to use it.

Kristie started her Chemo today and Chris and I went down to sit with her a while. She was high as a kite on Decadron and Benadryl, which made for great entertainment... but most of all, she looked well. I have this certain stigma that comes with hospitals and treatment units after 9 years of visiting mom on diyalisis and then the numerous visits to the hospital prior to her death, so it was nice to see that as harsh as the trreatment was, she looked great. She got her hair cut short in anticipation of the loss she will face in the next few weeks and it looks sooo fantastic. Chris and I have told her she has to keep it that way when it grows in. It really brightened her face. We spent awhile before getting kicked out due to only one visitor being allowed at once, which was ok, because I am pretty sure that Mom Stewart was pretty darned ready to getg back in with her.

From there we headed to see Michelle, who had her breast reconstruction yesterday. Again it was great to see her doing so well. We brought her a big bouquet of flowers and had a nice visit in the front yard with her. I expected her to be in mmuch worse shape, but she was doing really well.

When we left Michelle's house, there was a message on my phone. To give you a bit of a background, I have wanted to ride a motorcycle since I can remember. Ever dince I could walk. I was always on the back of someone's back as a girl and lovfed riding with my dad and uncle particularly. I had brought the idea up numerous times, but had always been shut down. My mother would have died if she ever caught me riding and Chris felt the same way about it. I have basically been forbidden to ride for as long as I can remember.

One of the things that hit me hardest in Quebec is, although I always knew this, it just reitterated it for me, Life is short. Attaining your dreams in important, in what ever capacity they are, and that setting boundaries and doing things for yourself is really, really important, not only because no one knows what tomorrow holds, but also for personal satisfaction, and the lessons that are learned along the road to achievement. I decided that I -would- get my licence. All that being said, it is also important to respect that I have a life that is not all about me, and if attaining my goals can only be done in a manner that is selfish, than it may be better to leave them as dreams. I will not ride a bike without proper lessons, and those cost alot of money. Money that is more important to feed and cloth my family, and pay my bills. I could not on a clear conciounse, take that money out of our personal budget.

Michelle and I had talked many times before, and again in Quebec, about how we would like to have our licences. A close number one on our "bucket lists". We had joked about emailing out and trying to have lessons donated. At first when I thought about this, I thought it was way too much to ask from anyone. $1400 is a lot of money, and all the goals I have obtained so far for the organization, in the way of creating experiences and building memories, have always been much smaller.

We had also been talking for some time about holding a Ride for Young Cancer in the spring, as many of our supporters ride. I realized that I had somehting to offer in exchange. The ride will be big and we have alot of experienced people willing to help make it happen successfully.

To make a long story short, A wonderfully generous bike school had fully donated a full motorcycle course, to both Michelle and I, in exchange for advertising and sponsorship rights.
I cannot begin to say how much this means to both of us. Not just that, but since I have been home, Chris has done a complete 360 on the idea, and now, not only supports me, but would like to get his licence as well so we can ride together. I am thrilled. Michelle and I will head the Young Cancer Ride in the spring, along with any other Young Adult Survivors who wish to partake. More details will be coming on this event soon.

I received my application form for Lake Louise Survivor Conference in October this week. I have applied for Chris and I to go. Michelle and Mike, Cassandra and Dennis, and Kristie will also be applying. Unfortunately, they have alot of applications and only 40 spots. We are told we will be advised on August 29, if we are accepted, so we shall wait on pins and needles on that. I am really hoping to get the oppurtunity to go, both so that Chris can experience the environment of being with other YA patients and supporters, and also so that I can continue to learn on my personal journey.

Chris and I have to go back to Victoria for one more night on Aug.14 and we decided to splurge and stay in a hotel without stab marks in the wall and floor.. I know, it's a big deal! Hopefully the military will still cover the expense as the 15th will be our last full paycheck before taking the major cut. We got a government rate at the Bedford Regency in a Deluxe Jaccuzi suite. It looks REALLY nice, with down duvets and a hot tub and swimming pool in the hotel. I am very excited. Our first ever nice hotel with no kids, together.

My anxiety level had been very high lately, as I am typing, my cheeks are throbbing from me bitting them constantly, something that I haven't done in years, but is a very familiar stress habit. I am not sure what the stressors are, but on Monday night I didn't sleep at all as I tossed and turned with anxiety and hardcord nightmares. Last night wasn't as bad but I felt lethargic most of today and have not felt myself for about 3 days now. I know part of my stress comes from the continued pain in my tailbone and waiting for a call on my MRI date. I will phone tomorrow and see if the referral has been made. Although none of that should be enough to cause this much anxiety...

On a final note, I learned tonight why it is I don't do graphics anymore. I spent a good amount of time getting the poster done for our next fundraiser at Boone County on Sept.5. Tickets are ready for pickup tomorrow and I really needed to have the poster done to start getting things rolling. I actually think it turned out ok despite not having done anything like it for some time, but I ended up with a throbbin eye and a migraine. You can see it by using the facebook link and looking under my photos under posters. Hopefully I will begin canvassing for door prizes next week, if you know of anyone with anyting to donate for door prizes or silent auction, please let me know. Proceeds of this fundraiser will go towards Lake Louise for those who get approved and for organization pamphlets.

You will notice I no longer end with a happy thought, I have found that I write enough about my goals and aspirations throughout my blog, that I feel I have many happy thoughts in each entry. On the days I don't, I think it's ok. Everyone needs to have those down days from time to time.

Oh and a hint to family that may be considering birthday gifts. I will be starting a fund for a used motorcycle, and would greatly appreciate a donation rather than a gift if you are able :o)

I just wanted to reflect for a moment.... I have had some crappy things happen in my life, and I spent a long time dwelling on them, but starting YCSC has been the most amazing thing ever for me. It has opened my eyes to the type of pain and hardship that other's, not much unlike yourself are going through...I always knew about the homeless and the 3rd world countries and all the political harships we see in the news, or walking the streets, but I have taken a journey into the lives of Young Adults with Cancer around me, and had an oppurtunity to see how much work there is to be done here as well. It may not make the newspaper headlines, it may not grab your attention. Chances are pretty good, that you will walk past a young adults who is suffering in their lives through their illness in more ways than you can ever know, and you wouldn't have a clue, because they look just like you....

Something that has become very predominate to me in the past while is that there are 2 types of people when it comes to illness... and I can honestly say I have been both. There are those who do not take their diagnosis well, they mentally prepare themselves to fail at their treatments, and to be down and out all the time. When you ask them how they are, they never have anything positive to say... I was there at one point... until I realized there was another way.
The second group of people think positively, and while they deal with the same obstacles, they take them in light, always looking for the silver lining, and even when they are down and out, they find way to light up other peoples lives instead of suffocating in their own.

If you are stuck in a rut of self pity, and it seems like there is nothing beyond you, and what you are going through...Take the time you need to live in that moment, and when you are done, seek out the people who are making the best of a crappy situation, because as with me, those people will teach you how to live, they will give you freedom and they will teach you there are things to be happy about, and causes greater than your own.

It doesn't matter how much attention you place on yourself and your own misery, you will never be able to get past your illness until you allow yourself to. All the sympathy from loved ones, and all the pity, will only send you depper down.

Reach out to someone else, Do something good for somebody. Touch someone's soul and learn from them... That's when you will realize that by giving, you will receive far more than you ever will by taking.

I know this may sound a little out there, but I just needed to put it out there.. If it doesn;t make sense to you, that's ok.. I will have the odd entry like that.

I realize I have been less than efficient with blogging lately.

It seems like ever since I got back, my life is on warp speed. I cannot believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I have gotten home. I have so much on my mind and so much on the go, that I wonder how I will get through it all with the pride that I have come to expect of the work I do.

It is August already! Half of summer is gone! I can hardly believe the school year came to a close, let alone being only a month away from a new one.

Last Sunday we went over to Victoria as Chris had a ton of appointment having to do with his release on the Monday. We went and stayed at a motel, looking forward to a night with mo children (At Chris's mom's house) something we haven't had since December of 06. Money, as always, was an issue, especially not knowing whether the military would reimburse it, as they enjoy playing those power trip games with us.

We decided to stay somewhere I said I would never stay again. A little motel, just off Douglas street. We had stayed there everytime my mom had gotten ill, and the last time I stayed there, was the night before she passed away. Keeping in mind I cannot even drive past the Victoria Hospital without losing it... I decided it would be ok to face my issues, and stay there none the less. It had always been very reasonably priced, one of the cheapest in Victoria, and the managers were amazing. The rooms, while not elegant, were clean and the beds were sleepable. All in all, a good value for the few bucks you had to put out. We called to book and were very impressed that they still knew us, the rooms were only afew dollars more, and they would hold it for us on honour... They still had that same magic touch. After we dropped the kids off, and had a lunch with dad (Bruce) we headed up to our room, giddy like little kids at having the whole afternoon to lay in bed and watch movies, and then head out for a nice dinner with the money we had saved.

We arrived and the outside looked a little more run down than it had 4 years ago, but this is bound to happen. So we unload, get our room key and head upstairs.... I kid you not, I think there was a murder in that room not too long before we got there. There were cut marks all over the room, stab marks on the walls and patterns cut into the bathroom floor. The chair that was there for sitting was stained with who knows what, and the carpet beside the bathroom door, had a huge bleached out section that I SWEAR was consitent with a blood spatter. I should also metion that we had to walk past a "clown" to get to our room... We joked that the kids would love the free entertainment as the cracked out - overly made up- thing and her... pimp? smoked a joint right in front of our open door (Trust me, the dank smell meant the door was open except while we slept) before bed. Now, I know that this is very unusual of me, but I decided to stay anyways... We had several good chuckles about the various "Scary" things surronding us, and in the end, enjoyed ourselve despite the nastiness we slept in, and yes... we inspected the sheets and all was well.

I think, as sad as it sounds, it broke the tension that Victoria holds for me since mom's death, and it led to all sort of "We're so broke" jokes. It really was a reflection of how childlike Chris and I can be at time and it brought back memories of the less stressed days of the past. Now all that being said, I will never stay there again, but I am kinda happy that little place has gone downhill because it brough the humour that has been missing in our lives, back again.

The Monday appointments were chaotic and evil as we ran through what all needs to be done prior to Chris's release on the 18th and made the whole situation we are coming up on, a whole lot more real. We will be -$700.00 a month off our already piddly monthly income, very, very soon. I have faith that things will work out the way they are meant to, but it is a pretty scary reality.

Ever since getting back from Quebec, I have been dead tired and getting more than 12 hours of sleep in the course of every day. I am also bruising very easily and quite badly. I will have to go into the Dr's, but as much as I know avoidance is the worst thing to do... I am procrastinating.
My Tailbone pain had come back full on, having offered me only a week or two reprieve with little pain. I am eager to get a date for my MRI and prove to myself that it is nothing... It drives me nuts how my imagination likes to play with me. All "Ass cancer" jokes aside, it is making me pretty nervous.

ICBC has officially denied me and the children's claims, yet continue to pay me lost wages and my massage therapy... so however that works. They are allowing Chris's claim due to his preexisting back injury. Fine by me, I just hope I get a jury when I take their buts to court... I mean I have pictures and Dr's notations of the huge seatbelt bruises on my pelvis, as well as my specialist saying I had a bruised bladder as a result of the impact.. I am not sure what more they need... Trust me, I would much rather be doing something better with my time than trying to rehab a messed up neck and shoulder and having bladder issues. The worst part is, I wasn't even looking for some massive settlement... I just wanted to be taken care of.

On Tuesday I had the honor of speaking for the Mid Day Rotary in Mission. What a great lot of folks. After I stumbled through my speech ( I did from my heart like I was advised to, and ended up leaving out a ton of stuff I wanted to say.... Not taking advice again.. Pre written speeches are the way to go) I ended up talking to several amazing people who have opened some new doors for us. It was very exciting and I look forward to doing more with them in the future. A huge thank you to Eleanore at London Drugs for arranging it for us.

Now comes the heavy part... I am having a very difficult time dealing with Kristie's diagnosis. While I know in my heart that she will get through it, I am dealing with some old feelings of getting close to someone and losing them. I have felt myself trying to battle these emotions and have found moments where I am sort of lost inside myself, trying to figure it all out. Not only is it entirely unfair that such an amazing person should be going through this.. AGAIN.. but from a selfish perspective, I have to wonder why it is, that when I get close to someone, things go wrong. I will continue to battle this one because I know that it is stupid and petty and that in the greater scheme of things I will always be thankful to have Kristie in my life, but I hate having to deal with the sadness that engulfs me. I know too, that this will be a part of my journey as a facilitator and director of a cancer organization... I am here, every step of the way to make sure she gets through this as easy as possible.. But I'm sorry, I will not change my opinion, that it is just not fair.

Michelle also has her own medical things coming up.. She goes for reconstruction on the 5th. I am sending positive vibes her way that she will get through it with ease.. and she better, because again I am going to be selfish, but I don't need my two best people down! ha ha.. Especially a month before a huge fundraiser.

Kristie and Michelle, I love you both. Stay strong, and get through this.. Think of them as small hurdles before beginning the rest of your lives. That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Well, Perhaps I shall try to sleep now,

Good night all.