I am not going to pick up where I left off. Writting just what I did was extremely mentally draining. I am going to leave that insert as a "to be continued" when I am in a better emotional state to continue reliving the past. I think my strory is important and I will tell the rest, I am just not in the mind frame right now with everything else going on.

We had our monthly meeting last night, and I drew it to a close about 15 minutes early. It was a nice relaxed meeting, but I have not slept well in three nights now as I have suffered fairly extreme anxiety attacks at bedtime. I have been able to peg down some of the contributing stressors, but mental issues are touchy sometimes, and it can take nothing at all to send me reeling in a world of anxiety. My anti depressants were increased and I started the new dose about 4 days ago. I am hoping they kick in soon, as they are meant to help aid the anxiety incombination with a medication in the "opam" family. Usually they do, but since the car accident... Well I think it may have been the straw that broke the camels back. That has made it much easier to stress over smaller issues. I love the "side effects" that come with cancer, especially when you know you are not "free and clear".

Speaking of which, Shortly after my brain surgery, I began having problems with my tail bone. When sitting on anything other than soft surfaces (couches or beds) I would feel like I was sitting on a rock. When I stood up after sitting for a bit, it would throb. I went in for an xray at that time, and that is when they discovered my renal cancer (kidney). That stole my attention, and I brushed of the tailbone pain. It has been there ever since, but I guess I have just learned to sit with my weight on one bum cheek, and when I do have pain, I tend to ignore it. It is funny how you can do that sometimes... just ignore something that is so prevelant in your life. Sort of like the caivty that you put off getting dealt with, and you just eat on the other side? Well lately it has become much more painful. The rock that I sit on feels larger, and it does not require extended sitting for me to feel pain when I stand. The other thing that has started happening is when I cough or sneeze, it aches and throbs. This is where it gets scary for me as that is how I realized I had a brain tumour. I didn't really put much thought into it until last night when I was trying to sit at group, and any little shift ached. I never thought it was a big issue, because I did not think of the tail bone as paret of the CNS, so I didn't think it could be anything relevant to VHL.

I did some research last night, and I know.. cancer patients and their self diagnosing!! but I found an interesting site about a condition that is often related with VHL. Basically as cyst around the sacral (tail bone) area. So I am praying this is not the issue, and that this may just be some sort of weird normal person thing.. because if it were that, there are only 10 surgeons in North America that deal with it as it is so sensitive a surgery. I would likely end up having to use other forms of relief, and honestly, I do not want this type of pain for life... So here's hoping it is just some weird thing.. Although Chris has had great fun with making South park Jokes about how I must have "Ass cancer" He has been running around saying "You're ass is falling, you have ass cancer!" Yes, my household is very warped.. worse yet, I laugh with him! I joked back with beavis and Butthead references... My shirt over my head as a hood saying "I am cornholio, I need surgery for my bungholio" ... Ok, I know you may not understand the references unless you have watched either of these series, but it was highly amusing, and gives you a hint of the kind of humour that gets us through the day to day stressors in this house.. after all, if you don't laugh, you cry, and I do enough of that already!

Anyways, this brings me to the joys of chronic cancer. When i did this research, it suggests an MRI of the sacral area to rule it out. I called my neurosurgeons office to see if my full CNS MRI included to sacral area. The receptionist confirmed that it did, and that when that test was done, everything looked normal. I breather a sigh of relief and hung up the phone. Kristie called me shortly after and I was telling her the story. I told her that I wouldn't worry about it until next year when I have my mandatory 2 year CNS MRI again. She asked when the original MRI was done, and I said, confidentally, June... 2006... I still have another year.

OOps.. I guess my math skills are a little week. She reminded me that it is now 2008. Begrudgingly, I called my neurosurgeons office back and advised them that I was overdue for my 2 year rescan. She left a message for Dr.Haw. GREAT! Something new to worry about!! WOO HOO!

My favourite line at this point is "Why worry? it's just a scan.. It's not like you have anything" or "Just relax... You can't assume something is wrong"... Really? I can't? because in December of 2005 I had a CT and found out I had a brain tumour. In January 2006, I had a pre surgery MRI and found out I had three other brain tumours that they would monitor. In February, I had an XRAY for a sore tailbone, and found out I had kidney cancer. In April 2006, I received the DNA testing back from my girls tests and found out not one, but all three of my girls also have VHL. In June of 2006, I had a full CNS MRI, to find out I had a "lession" on my spine, which they would monitor. In Febraury 08, I had a CT that said I likely had a tumour on my right kidney. WAIT!! In July 2008 I had a CT that said the CT in Feb was wrong, and that my right kidney was FINE! So I have had 1 good test result out of numerous tests in the past 2.5 years... Yes, I am very optimistic about results now... I really shouldn't worry.

In the meantime, the tailbone pain is bothering me alot, and I am sure I have worked myself into a tizzy about nothing.

Kristie and Feather have still not received diagnostic results, and I continue to stress daily on their behalf and remain hopefull that both will be clear and fine. Kristie of course being the major impact for me as we talk at least twice a day, and I have been where she is right now, the waiting game. It is horrible.

So onto some less depressing news, I am ready for QUEBEC!! I finally found all the jammies I needed and I bought two sundresses.. This time of year is great as everything is on sale! Chris is ready for me to go too as he bought himself a new computer game! :o)

All that is left now is the packing and the fun stuff. Kristie is taking me for a pedicure tomorrow.. I am SOOO excited! I have never been for one, and typically am not a fan of people touching my feet, but honestly, I am so ready to relax and take it as it comes.

Thursday, Michelle and I are headed to the Hair school for some foils. They are very cheap there and do great work, as long as you are prepared to bring a tent and sleeping bag for the amount of time you have to spend there.. Ahh, what the heck. It's a good deal!

I am tanning nightly now until I go, and our charity tattoos are tentatively booked for Sunday, so hopefully that comes through, I would love to go with fresh ink, especially with it being a Young Strength Tattoo. I am still amazed that a tattoo artist who is dealing with his first round of chemo for lymphoma, has donated this to us. It is just amazing to me. There will probably be 4 of us going, once we tie kristie up and force her. I think she needs a little branding for the torture she has gone through!

Tuesday Michelle and I are headed into Van, to get manicures. I have a Spa giftcertificate for a very upscale spa and I have not used it. Now is the time. Why not? I am pampering myself in every other way. I have never spent this much time on anything for myself before. I am proud of me! After manicures, we are going out with the hubbies and having dinner, then Michelle is sleeping over and off to the airport in the morning! WOW!

Well, I am going to try and relax now, I am going to take my pills early tonight in hopes it will aid the anxiety before I head to bed.

As a side note, if anyone reads this and knows of any dairy or cattle farms, can you please let me know? I know that sounds random, but there is a method behind my madness!

Have a great night!