I know I have not written since I got back, and many of you are wondering how the trip was.

It was amazing, Draining, depressing, uplifting and a huge dose of realism all at once.

In honesty, I do not know where to begin... We arrived on Wednesday night. The trip there was awesome as we were all running on adrenaline. Michelle had stayed over Tuesday night and I think we got maybe two hours sleep before getting up at 3:30am to get ready. We didn;t sleep on the plane, how could we?

We arrived in our hotel room by 5:30pm, and the room was amazing. The room itself was fairly plain, but the beds were made of pillows!

Feather wanted to head into town, I had planned on going in the next morning with Shauna, a girl I had been getting to know on Facebook, who ended up being my roomie. After some phone calls and flipping through a guidebook, we realized that Just for Laughs festival was on! This was amazing to me because I am an avid watcher of the festival and always wondered what it would be like to actually attend. We found out we could get last minute tickets, and we headed out. JOan Rivers started at 7pm, but as we approached the street and saw all the activities, we decided to sit Joan Rivers out, and instead, roam the streets. It was incredible! The action, the spirits, the entertainment, everything was soo breathtaking! We spent about 4 hours down there, roaming the streets, eating at a street side restaraunt, taking pictures etc.

The cab driver who had taken us down to the city, had given us his number to pick us up. He was a riot! Although he was lebonese, he possesed every sly method of quebequois flirting. He was a ladies man, unfortunately, he was in his late 60's! Ha ha. No, but he was happily married with children and 6 grandaughters, who he joked, he could open a strip club with and retire... yes I know.. bad.

When we were finished, we called and he said he would be there in 20 minutes. An hour later we were getting ready to call another cab when we saw "Sam the family man" running around searching for us. We caught his attention and he explained there was a road close for an accident and he had parked 5 blocks away and had been looking for us!!

Feather was exauhsted and he helped her back to the car, while Michelle and I reeled in what we had just taken in.

We got back to the hotel and Michelle and I went to the hotel bar, where we met up with Shauna, and Feather went to bed.

The next day, I searched for my camera and could not find it. My stomach sank. I called the cabbie and he did not have it in his car. The best I could remember, I had taken pics when I was getting in the cab, but not since. My best bet now is I left it on the Taxi seat and someone swiped it. I cried my eyes out at the loss of my memories from the night before. Despite Feather and Michelle taking dupicated of many of the pictures, there were some shots I had taken that no one else did. I also had my picture taken, and a group picture taken with the little green dudes from Just for Laughs, and stuck them in my camera case. All this was gone. Not to mention the brand new camera my husband had bought me for Christmas, with money we did not have. Luckily, Chris was amazing about it, as much as I feared telling him.

When I arrived home, Feather had already emailed me to thank me for everything I had done to make retreat happen. For various reasons, retreat was exactly what she needed. She told me that her husband and her would like to donate $300 to a new camera, which I said I could not accept... In the funny way that things happen in life sometimes, we were walking in Vancouver after Chris had a medical appointment, and we went to the Cancer Agency to get some relaxation CD's as I hope to begin creative visualization and Meditation again (I realized I let it go a long time ago but had always found it helpful) when we heard a knock on the window at the cancer agency cafeteria. Feather and her husband Chris were there. We went in and visited for a bit, while her husband Chris began a finely executed plan. He suddenly said that they had to go and they darted off, when I was about 3 steps out the door, I received a text message telling me the money was in my purse. Smooth Chris... I decided it was Karma and I accepted the gift. We went to Future shop and replaced the camera with a fancier one than I had as prices had come down. I love it and can't wait to learn to full yuse all it's features. Thank you so much to Feather and Chris for their generosity. I can never relace the photos but it is sure nice to have a camera again, I felt half naked without it!

We met with the retreaters at the hotel and began our 2 hour trek to Mount Ourford, Spirits were amazing, and continued to be until 3am, despite a highly emotional opening circle where we shared out stories. Having told my storie a million times, I was sure it would come out as it usually did.. rehearsed, and boring to myself, but it didn't... I cried like a baby and all of a sudden my story felt new, untold and fresh. It hurt telling it, and I realized I still had some very open wounds.

The next 4 days would be fully of every up and down you can imagine. People would take time outs, and people would leave crying, and there were times we were in tears laughing. It felt like one big family and everyone regardless of colour or culture, truley understood every piece of your puzzle. I did not realize how many unresolved issues I had going in. I had many Eureka moments and I feel I came home a different person, with 41 new dear friends.

I also discovered that I cannot handle water changes as I was very ill for most of the trip, even spending half a day in bed on Saturday. I am finally recovering from that, and my sleep deprivation, as I think I got 12 hours sleep over the whole trip.

Coming home was hard... We got up at 5:30 am, 6:30 Breakfast and then headed for the airport. The drive there felt like it took forever. Saying goodbye to everyone was like losing a limb. We headed to Airport lounge and about 17 of us had drinks and a meal and relaxed together before seperating to go our own ways.

As much as I counted down the hours and minutes til we left to go, I also counted down the hours and minutes to get home. It was so emotionally draining, tireing and I had so many new things I couln't wait to implement in my day to day life. I missed my family as I had never been away so long and I wanted to get home and process all I had taken in.

The travel home seemed to take forever, though the trip from Toronto to Vancouver was amazing as we drifted in and out of huge puffy clouds, but another thing plagues my mind coming home.

On our way to the retreat, Kristie had sent me a text message. A lump she had found on her neck, that we had all been hoping was just a cyst, had been CT'ed. It turned out to not only be a tumour, but they also found a tumour in her abdomen. This is her 4th reccurence in just over a year. Her last treatment ended only 4 months ago. Since she has already been radiated in the abdomen, this is not an option and her cervical cancer does not respond well to Chemo. We are waiting on further news and the results of a PET scan. The prognosis does not look good, but I know Kristie and I know she will do anything in her power to kick it's ass, and she better, because I, as well as the many who know and love her, will not have life without her.

Kristie is one of the few people I know who would literally give you the shirt off her back. She has not had a selfish moment in the entire time I have known her, and always puts other before her. It breaks my heart, even knowing that she will plow through this like the solider she is, that she even has to deal with this. This is one of those moments that even the most optimistic person is forced to question the nature of the things that happen around us... I have faith that this is one of those road bumps that is meant to happen for some positive reason, but I refuse that has anything to do with Kristie not beating the hell out of it.

In the meantime, we have begun to gear up for the Survivor's Conference being held in Lake Louise on October 16-21. There are at least 6-7 of us going, and our next fundraiser is in place.

Kicking Cancer Country Style...
This promises to be another great event!
Boone County Cabaret has graciously offered to host this fundraiser.

Tickets are $10 in advance and include cover and 1 drink.
Sept.5, 2008 - Doors at 9pm
Live Band - Smith & Jones
50/50, Silent Auctions & Twoonie Toss
Tickets available in Abbotsford or Coquitlam

Call - 604-832-8659

Proceeds go directly to YCSC to aid in travel costs for Survivor Conference in Lake Louise, as well as promotional material for public awareness.

I hope you will come out and join us, and cowboy gear is encouraged.

Tomorrow holds a BBQ with a relative who was "lost" for awhile. I hope it will enable us to begin rebuilding our old relationship, and should provide some fun for the kids!

Sunday we head to the island for a series of medical appointments Chris has at the Base on Monday. We will be dropping the girls off to his parents in the morning and heading up island. We will stop and have lunch with Dad, visit mom at the cemetary, then head out for a nice dinner, just the two of us. We booked at a motel that we stayed in when mom would get sick, it is very reasonably priced, and I am holding my breathe that I will be ok to stay there... Just thinking about going there makes me well up, but I cannot justify a more expensive room. I still cannot drive by Victoria Hospital without breaking down. Places of pain by assosciation are hard to deal with.

I am hoping to get the non profit paper work signed off this week and get it in to the lawyer for submision. I am really eager to focus more on the organization and really get it moving over the fall.

I have much mroe to write, but for tonight it is a wrap. Since I got home, I have a hard time keeping my eyes open, despite sleeping a ton!

I had an odd moment of emptyness this afternoon, while laying in bed, trying to nap. Don't ask me how that's possible, if my life were any fuller right now, I think I would combust, but every now and then I hit a place where I just get this hollow feeling. I am not sure if it came with my mom's passing and just matured with my cancer, or if it is just something I have always felt from time to time. I know over that past several years, when I kept myself out of the social scene, and stuck to my family, while I was filled with more love than one person could ask for, I always felt hollow in some way.

Since I have enriched my life with amazing friends, ( I seriously could not find better friends if I had recruited them on what I needed them to be)the organization, and when I am able to, a very part time job, most of the emptyness has gone, but there are still moments. I can't pinpoint what it is I am feeling at that moment, but am usually able to find some reason for it! Ha ha.. leave it to the cancer patients to self diagnosis, because by our own rights, it is DEFFINATELY one of our features....

"Hmm.. I have this hangnail, it got worse yesterday, and now it looks like it may come off.... I KNOW! I have cuticle cancer! That's it!"

Ha ha right? Ok, so I am embelishing, but we really do!

Anyways, I am so off track.

SO as I am laying there... obviously NOT sleeping, likely because I am so spun about tattoos tomorrow, followed by a busy Monday, and then manicures with a friend and dinner with our hubbies, before getting an hours sleep and going to QC. I begin to think about the organization... I decide that as suggested before, we need a tag line.. Something that sums us up in one sentence.

The organization has had more spins than the gravitron at Playland... It has grown and changed and developed in so many ways, and I am not sure that I had ever OFFICIALLY sat down and said "What are we -specifically- doing here?". I know in ceoncept what I hope to achieve and I know what I have been working on, but from a Corporation standpoint, what is the one line that says YES... this is what YCSC is all about?

I didn't have to think for long and it hit me.... "What about now?"

I remember crystal clear, the day that I first went to drive my car after having the brain surgery.... I had been living in my dad's basement for almost 2 months. My surgery was brilliant, it couldn;t have gone better, and I didn't feel too bad coming out of it... I took my T3's like clockwork, even waking up every 4 hours through the night for it, so there was deffinately pain, but it was nothing near what I would have imagined, but afterward, my vision became blurry... I discussed this two entries ago, my vision was bad enough that I could barely walk... When I stood outside, or when I would travel in a vehicle... I would feel like an ant... Everything around me felt huge and distorted... I would later learn that the feeling I had of feeling "out of my body" is called dissaccoiative syndrome, and is something I still get on occassion... It is a very scary sensation.... Anyways.. It took some time for me to regain normal vision, and even when I did, I kept a permanent distortion in my left eye (still to this day). I knew I had to get out of the house on my terms, but I didn't know if I could. My sister and I decided to go to the mall.. Everyone was very hesitant about me driving (So was -I-). I test drove the car acouple of blocks to make sure I was ok, without my sister. The feelings I had, leaving the house, standing there by myself, the first itme in two months, and holding those car keys... I felt foreign, new.. Like I had never done this before, and I was damn scared. "WHAT NOW?"

If I think about the stages of my illness, from my first diagnosis, to the surgery, to the eye issues, then on to VHL tests coming back positive, and the diagnosis of my cancer.. and then even more so lately, with this state of "no disease", yet not being able to go on in the real world, because "what if?".. There is one line that keeps coming back to me.. What now?

One of my best friends, and board member Michelle, recently said to me... "Julie, you are like the make a wish foundation for young adults with cancer". That statement made me beam.. While I would never venture to give myself that sort of credit, or ever dream to be as big as make a wish foundation is... It made me realize where my objectives are.

Finding a cure to cancer is major.... It's our meat and potatoes.. Finding money for research, getting more public attention, making medical advances.. Those are huge things, and there are never enough funds for that... I do my best to help in those organizations as well... but what I knew from early on, is the YCSC is not about that. My goal with YCSC is much the same as make a wish, My intention is to ease the what nows... to make day to day life during diagnosis, treatment, and transition back into the real world, easier. To provide a relief to those who are struggling getting through their everyday tasks, or are suffering some hardship due to their cancer, and help them find a way to keep their pride, and their spirit through it all. My intention with funds is to provide that relief, but in the meantime, I am always ssearching for those little perks to make life a little happier too.. I want to be a part of imporving quality of life for Young Adults with Cancer, today.. while they are here, and need it. By improwing quality of life, I am in turn increasing longevity, because I am a strong believer of the power of the mind... My mom did it for 8.5 years longer than the Dr's said she would. Let's find a cure together, but let me help with the what now's, and I am going to do everything I can to get some little perks too... because we deserve it.

I am not going to pick up where I left off. Writting just what I did was extremely mentally draining. I am going to leave that insert as a "to be continued" when I am in a better emotional state to continue reliving the past. I think my strory is important and I will tell the rest, I am just not in the mind frame right now with everything else going on.

We had our monthly meeting last night, and I drew it to a close about 15 minutes early. It was a nice relaxed meeting, but I have not slept well in three nights now as I have suffered fairly extreme anxiety attacks at bedtime. I have been able to peg down some of the contributing stressors, but mental issues are touchy sometimes, and it can take nothing at all to send me reeling in a world of anxiety. My anti depressants were increased and I started the new dose about 4 days ago. I am hoping they kick in soon, as they are meant to help aid the anxiety incombination with a medication in the "opam" family. Usually they do, but since the car accident... Well I think it may have been the straw that broke the camels back. That has made it much easier to stress over smaller issues. I love the "side effects" that come with cancer, especially when you know you are not "free and clear".

Speaking of which, Shortly after my brain surgery, I began having problems with my tail bone. When sitting on anything other than soft surfaces (couches or beds) I would feel like I was sitting on a rock. When I stood up after sitting for a bit, it would throb. I went in for an xray at that time, and that is when they discovered my renal cancer (kidney). That stole my attention, and I brushed of the tailbone pain. It has been there ever since, but I guess I have just learned to sit with my weight on one bum cheek, and when I do have pain, I tend to ignore it. It is funny how you can do that sometimes... just ignore something that is so prevelant in your life. Sort of like the caivty that you put off getting dealt with, and you just eat on the other side? Well lately it has become much more painful. The rock that I sit on feels larger, and it does not require extended sitting for me to feel pain when I stand. The other thing that has started happening is when I cough or sneeze, it aches and throbs. This is where it gets scary for me as that is how I realized I had a brain tumour. I didn't really put much thought into it until last night when I was trying to sit at group, and any little shift ached. I never thought it was a big issue, because I did not think of the tail bone as paret of the CNS, so I didn't think it could be anything relevant to VHL.

I did some research last night, and I know.. cancer patients and their self diagnosing!! but I found an interesting site about a condition that is often related with VHL. Basically as cyst around the sacral (tail bone) area. So I am praying this is not the issue, and that this may just be some sort of weird normal person thing.. because if it were that, there are only 10 surgeons in North America that deal with it as it is so sensitive a surgery. I would likely end up having to use other forms of relief, and honestly, I do not want this type of pain for life... So here's hoping it is just some weird thing.. Although Chris has had great fun with making South park Jokes about how I must have "Ass cancer" He has been running around saying "You're ass is falling, you have ass cancer!" Yes, my household is very warped.. worse yet, I laugh with him! I joked back with beavis and Butthead references... My shirt over my head as a hood saying "I am cornholio, I need surgery for my bungholio" ... Ok, I know you may not understand the references unless you have watched either of these series, but it was highly amusing, and gives you a hint of the kind of humour that gets us through the day to day stressors in this house.. after all, if you don't laugh, you cry, and I do enough of that already!

Anyways, this brings me to the joys of chronic cancer. When i did this research, it suggests an MRI of the sacral area to rule it out. I called my neurosurgeons office to see if my full CNS MRI included to sacral area. The receptionist confirmed that it did, and that when that test was done, everything looked normal. I breather a sigh of relief and hung up the phone. Kristie called me shortly after and I was telling her the story. I told her that I wouldn't worry about it until next year when I have my mandatory 2 year CNS MRI again. She asked when the original MRI was done, and I said, confidentally, June... 2006... I still have another year.

OOps.. I guess my math skills are a little week. She reminded me that it is now 2008. Begrudgingly, I called my neurosurgeons office back and advised them that I was overdue for my 2 year rescan. She left a message for Dr.Haw. GREAT! Something new to worry about!! WOO HOO!

My favourite line at this point is "Why worry? it's just a scan.. It's not like you have anything" or "Just relax... You can't assume something is wrong"... Really? I can't? because in December of 2005 I had a CT and found out I had a brain tumour. In January 2006, I had a pre surgery MRI and found out I had three other brain tumours that they would monitor. In February, I had an XRAY for a sore tailbone, and found out I had kidney cancer. In April 2006, I received the DNA testing back from my girls tests and found out not one, but all three of my girls also have VHL. In June of 2006, I had a full CNS MRI, to find out I had a "lession" on my spine, which they would monitor. In Febraury 08, I had a CT that said I likely had a tumour on my right kidney. WAIT!! In July 2008 I had a CT that said the CT in Feb was wrong, and that my right kidney was FINE! So I have had 1 good test result out of numerous tests in the past 2.5 years... Yes, I am very optimistic about results now... I really shouldn't worry.

In the meantime, the tailbone pain is bothering me alot, and I am sure I have worked myself into a tizzy about nothing.

Kristie and Feather have still not received diagnostic results, and I continue to stress daily on their behalf and remain hopefull that both will be clear and fine. Kristie of course being the major impact for me as we talk at least twice a day, and I have been where she is right now, the waiting game. It is horrible.

So onto some less depressing news, I am ready for QUEBEC!! I finally found all the jammies I needed and I bought two sundresses.. This time of year is great as everything is on sale! Chris is ready for me to go too as he bought himself a new computer game! :o)

All that is left now is the packing and the fun stuff. Kristie is taking me for a pedicure tomorrow.. I am SOOO excited! I have never been for one, and typically am not a fan of people touching my feet, but honestly, I am so ready to relax and take it as it comes.

Thursday, Michelle and I are headed to the Hair school for some foils. They are very cheap there and do great work, as long as you are prepared to bring a tent and sleeping bag for the amount of time you have to spend there.. Ahh, what the heck. It's a good deal!

I am tanning nightly now until I go, and our charity tattoos are tentatively booked for Sunday, so hopefully that comes through, I would love to go with fresh ink, especially with it being a Young Strength Tattoo. I am still amazed that a tattoo artist who is dealing with his first round of chemo for lymphoma, has donated this to us. It is just amazing to me. There will probably be 4 of us going, once we tie kristie up and force her. I think she needs a little branding for the torture she has gone through!

Tuesday Michelle and I are headed into Van, to get manicures. I have a Spa giftcertificate for a very upscale spa and I have not used it. Now is the time. Why not? I am pampering myself in every other way. I have never spent this much time on anything for myself before. I am proud of me! After manicures, we are going out with the hubbies and having dinner, then Michelle is sleeping over and off to the airport in the morning! WOW!

Well, I am going to try and relax now, I am going to take my pills early tonight in hopes it will aid the anxiety before I head to bed.

As a side note, if anyone reads this and knows of any dairy or cattle farms, can you please let me know? I know that sounds random, but there is a method behind my madness!

Have a great night!

I just finished watching a movie called stop loss, based on the story of several soldier just returning to the US after their tour of duty, and how the adjusted to real life. It was a horrible movie to watch, and I sat there being so thankful that through a series of unfortunate events, I am luck enough to be cuddling my husband, instead of nursing my fears while he is in afghanistan.

The movie hit home very hard as we are going through all the crap with the military and as Chris's release is pending. I honestly feel like It was a sign to me to be thankful for the motions that were set in place. All Chris ever wanted, his whole life, was to be an infantry soldier. When we met, he had just turned down the second offer to enlist, based on personal reasons, that did not allow him to go away. We spent the next few years raising Katarina, and building our lives together. When Trinity was born, and he talked about his desire to join once again, I told him that he was not getting any younger, and if it was truely what he wanted to do, that we would not have a better time in our lives for him to do so. With that, he began application, and within weeks, he had been accepted. I remember feeling so proud of him when we went to his swear in. He was doing something he had always wanted to do, and while I knew it would devastate me to have him gone, I could be happy that I provided him the support he needed to pursue his dreams.

The day he left for training was one of the worst days of my life. We dropped him off at the airport very early in the morning. We drove away and we were all crying. Samantha, Katarina and I. We got home and curled up in bed together and cried ourselves back to sleep. Trinity was just tiny, 4 months old, and I remember holding her tight trying to relive some of my pain. I was not good at being alone, and never had been. Chris and I have, and always have had, a very co dependant life.

The first couple of weeks were good for him, and horrible for me, as I tried to get through the day to day grind on my own. When things finally settled down for me, they ruptured for Chris. He injured his foot and was put in sick bay. He called home sobbing every night, begging me to let him quit. I didn't know what to do and I waivered between being hard assed and cold towards him in hopes it would smarten him up, and breaking down with him on the phone. Our lives were in shambles. He was depressed beyond belief, missing me and the kids and being so far away with no hopes of coming home. I was torn on how I was supposed to react and how to be strong to make sure he fulfilled his goals. It didn't get any easier.

I had been having very, very bad headaches since the time Trinity was born. Thking back on it, they actually started when I was about 6 months pregnant, but they were nothing like they were once I had her. I remember sitting in my parents living room for a visit in early October. I had laughed about something and then grabbed the back of my head in pain. My stepmom asked what I was doing and I told her about the headaches that were so sever when I laughed, sneezed, or did pretty well anything that caused pressure. She had suggested I see a Dr. and I laughed it off saying I probably just needed to see a chiropractor. After all, Trinity was 11.5lb when she was born.. I must have thrown something out of alignment.

The pain got worse and worse, until one day in late November, I dropped Trinity after coughing, from the pain. I went to the Dr. to get a refferal for a chiropractor. I was wearing my hair in a tight pony tail when I saw him, and he asked if that was normal. It wasn't. He spent quite a bit of time looking through my file and then mentioned my mom passing of VHL. I explained her loss and said that it wasn't a worry for me since I had tested negative for the VHL gene in 1997 through a DNA test. He decided to send me for a CT, "Just in case." No other Dr. would have ever done that. I would have been put on pills, sent to a chiropractor, and maybe one day, I would have seen a neurologist, but something clicked with this Dr.

The CT came very quickly. Trinity was 5 months old. After the test I was asked to wait and the radiologist came out to talk to me. He asked if I was nursing Trinity, I told him I was and he said that he would need to do some new images that would require contrast dye. Trinity would be unable to nurse for 2 days after. Could I wean her to a bottle for afew days. I had never tried a bottle, so I rebooked for a week later. I left feeling very uneasy. Why would I be required to wean my child unless they were certain they needed this follow up test. My stepdad assured me that it was normal, that they probably just wanted a closer look. I wasn't so convinced. I called my Dr. the next day and went in to see him. I was not going to wean my baby over nothing. He told me there was a shadow they wanted to check out, it could be nothing, but they couldn't take the chance.

Over the next days, I tortured myself weaning Trinity. She didn't like the bottle. Eventually I was able to get her to take it, but only with formula, and only after a sleepless night. The emotional calls were still coming home from Chris. I was tired, weak and unable to cope. There were alot of phone calls made for support to my stepdad, my stepmom, even Chris's mom, trying to get myself through. I went for the CT and two days later I was in with my Dr. again. Hust prior to that, I had asked my stepdad more about VHL. What should I know? What was mom's brain tumour like? In the end, the only thing I retained was that the tumours that come from VHL, started with an H. I couldn't remember the name, just that the first letter was H.

The Dr.s face was readable when he walked in. It's all pretty much a blur now, but I remember him saying Hemangioblastoma, and me asking if that started with an H. I was dizzy and sick to my stomach. I went through the motions that day. Picked Katarina up from school, went home, made dinner, fed the baby, but I wasn't with the program at all. I researched on the computer to see what the odds of me having this hemangioblastoma and not having VHL were. The odds were pretty darn slim. It made no sense! The genetics lab told me I had a 99.98% chance of being clear. How is this possible?

The two hours after dinner, waiting for Chris to call, were sheer agony. It was much like the morning mom passed away. I sat and watched the clock and every tick of the second hand felt like I was drowning even deeper inside. I had a 5 month old baby, I was 25 years old, my husband was in Quebec and I couldn't call him, and I had a brain tumour.....

When Chris did call, I remember that there was not enough time... no amoount of time in the world was enough that night. But restrictions were tight and he had to go, but we had no idea what this meant for us, for me... for anything.

Two days later Trinity was in the hospital in a tent on oxygen. She had infant asthma and couldn't breathe. Chris's mom came and took Katarina for the two days we were in. I was alone, with Trinity on oxygen, and again, I couldn't call the only person in the world that I wanted to talk to. I had way too much time to think to myself, and by this time the headaches were unbearable most of the time. There was nothing they could give me til I saw the suergon in acouple of days, and I was dying physically and emotionally. Chris was scared to death as I was unable to talk to him and all he has was the messages I could leave him on his cell phone answering machine.

It wasn't long after this that Chris injured his back. He was placed back on sick leave and we knew that even if he healed, he would have to start his training course from the begninning, which meant an extra 6 weeks apart. He was kept doped up on any number of medications for the remaining time until Christmas and I had no one to talk to at all, even when he could talk, he was out of it. I was so scared, for myself, for him, for Trinity. Everything in my life was falling apart.

I was in to see the surgeon very quickly. December 5, 2005.The tumour was relatively small, but there was a cyst around it the size of a tennis ball, that was pushing my brain lobe. He wanted to do the surgery the following week. I told him I wouldn't as I hadn't seen my husband in 6 weeks and he was coming home on the 18th. I wanted a normal Christmas with my family.
The surgeon agreed hesitantly to wait until the first slot after Christmas. Jan.5, 2006.

The Christmas I got was far from normal. I was on heavy steroids to keep the pain tolerable as the cyst had grown and any movement caused agony. I was on other pain meds to try and keep the tolerable pain manageable, and we were staying at my dad's, because Chris could only have 10 days off to be with me. I cherished that Christmas though. I had this immense fear that I would wake up either handicapped in some fashion, or I wouldn't wake up at all. I had never been so scared in my life. Trinity had never accepted the breast again after I weaned her and I felt like a horrible mother.

Surgery came and went, it was successful and I did not have any issues. Chris went back to Quebec where he remained on sick bay until they did an MRI and found out he had a herniated disk in his back as well as degenerative disc disease. In the meantime, I began to have double vision and very odd out of body feelings. My GP told me this was normal. A week later, my dad was scared and made some phone calls. He took me to his eye doctor, they took photos of my eyes and I was hemmoraghing behind my eyes. The next day I was in to see a neuro opthamolagist. I had an LP which was likely the most painful thing I have ever had in my entire life. My spinal fluid level was through the rough. Ct's showed no cause. In the end, it was decided that I had something called a psuedotumour. Basically your body decides that there is a tumour that doesn't exist. It was trapping spinal fluid in my head. I was put on medication to release the fluid, and I am still on it to this day. I did regain my sight, but still have damage to my left eye, that is now ruled permanent. My life slowly returned to normal, but I quickly realised that while I was here fighting for my life in a tiny basement bedroom, with my 3 children, my husband was laying in a bed, stoned,depressed and for no reason.


I am going to stop there, because I did not intent to write my whole story, but that is appreantly what is happening here. I will continue with the second half next entry. I think that the movie tonight may have put some things into perspective for me, hence the gushiness.

As a side note, we had Katarina's bday party today and aside from incompetent theatre staff, it was really good. She had a ton of fun and WallE was fantastic. I will write more soon.

I am convinced that something is going on... This past few months for young cancer, has been terrible. Perhaps it is just that I am more involved with it now, but in April, Heather lost her battle, in June, we lost Janelle, and since late June, I am waiting on official diagnosis on two other young adults in our group, Feather and Kristie. It is not just me feeling the crunch either, Michelle is now actively seeking a scan to ensure nothing has spread for herself as she has witnessed two young breast cancers run rampant within our circle.

Again, this is the part of the organization that makes it tough. You really do become very intimate and closely connected to many of the people you encounter when in the face of something so familiar to your own story. Please bundle all your positive thoughts and energy and dispatch them the Kristie and Feather as we wait on the next news available.

In the meantime, I am plugging away at preparing for Quebec, as well as getting many of the stupid little phone calls and issues dealt with that I have postponed sice the accident.

We are finally getting our car in on Tuesday and will have the bumper realigned and the rebar checked for other damages. Still no new on whether ICBC will remove us from their LVI stipulation, but my lawyers paralegal feels confident that it will not be an issue. I still humour that I would love to take on the Supreme court, armed with my personal health story, pictures of my bruises, and the very clear and concise letter from my surgeon stating that my bladder is bruised and that is was directly a result of the impact. Chris's back is still much worse than it has ever been, but his muscle pains in his neck and shoulder have subsided... I am glad. I am not so lucky as my left shoulder continues to give me alot of pain, I am still having pretty bad headaches and my pelvis area is still tender. Katarin'a neck is still sore to the touch. Katarina and I will follow up with the Dr. on Monday and I hope to begin massage therapy next week.

Chris FINALLY got his appointment for the final neurosurgeon's opinion on his back. At this point, after two years of trying everything and nothing working, we are hoping for surgery. I never thought I would say that, but I have to hope that there is some chance of him being normal again, even if that is the means it comes by. We go tomorrow.

As if I am not busy enough, I have stumbled upon something that I am very passionate about and will be beginning a new home based business soon. I have always been very good at doing home parties for a variety of different home shopping companies like tupperware etc... but the biggest problem for me is that I am not a huge fan of tupperware, or anything else I have ever gotten into. This company that I hope to sign with in mid July is AMAZING. The truth is, I am not going to be doing it for the income, but rather how much I -LOVE- what they offer and WHY they offer it. It is actually a company that is doing alot of good for other organizations. I had originally contacted them in order to host a party, but after seeing their full catalouge, I am sold already. I will give more information once I finalize everything, but trust me, you will love it too and will actually -want- to have a party. Not many things like that out there.. oh, and its not expensive! WOW! ha ha.

I mentioned before in my blog that I feel people come into your life for a purpose.. there is a very famous poem about that....

When someone is in your life for a REASON...It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a Godsend and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
Sometimes they die.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Your need has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON...It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I have had this come to play in my life once again. I feel that recently, I have had to accept what I thought would be a lifetime relationship, is not that at all, and let it go. At the same time, I have had someone I had dismissed as a Season relationship, come back into the picture. I am hesitant on both account as I hate the pain that comes with losing someone, even if it is what's right for both, and I hate the fear that goes into rebuilding a relationship that has previously been damaged, but I have come to term with the fact that I have to accept my own philosophy, and let things ride the way they are meant to.

The person I feel I have to let go of, has made the actions to move it in this direction themselves, but I am not entirely sure they realize it. I know that they have showed imense frustration with me, and it pains me that it ended that way, as I feel that more than anything, it was a "lost in translation" situation. They have brought some amazing things into my world, and have offered incredible support in many ways, but I feel inside, that it is time to let it go.

The person who has come back to my life, tried to do so for some time now, and I was/am very hesitant to go there. Initially I think my mind shut the idea out right away. Too many things felt awkward about it, and it has the potential of not only hurting me, but perhaps another loved one in my life by taking the leap of faith that I have. That being said, I have done some pretty dumb things in my life, and have asked for a second chance. I have also had people take something I have done with good intention and twist it to their own convenience. So I have to consider that perhaps, this is the time to accept that I have been given second chances, and I have been hurt by others who have assumed, this is my time to give that same opputunity and let my guard down. I know the person understands where I am coming from with my fear, and I am going to give it a go, I hope that the intentions behind it are as true as has been said, and I hope neither I, or my loved ones get burned, but I have faith that I am doing what I am meant to in this situation.

I am beginning to get very anxious about Quebec. It dawned on me this morning that I have never been on a plane for more than 30 minutes, twice in my life. I am feeling a bit jittery at the prospect of 8 hours. I know that this will be an amazing opputunity that will help me deal with some of the more anxiety related issues in regards to my own personal cancer, and also provide me an opportunity to connect and relate to even more people like myself. I intent to use this time to actually put myself on the front line and learn better coping mechanisms in a personal manner, but of course will be able to bring alot back to the YCSC crew as well.

I have finally gotten back into the swing of tanning and went yesterday and today, I feel better having some of my colour back. Darn that Tanorexia. I have actually been quite badly broken out in the Tzone area since I have been going less frequently too... I find the tanning deffinately keeps my skin in check, so I will be happy to be zit free again soon too!

The kids have been in swimming lessons since Wednesday and I love watching my water babies. Trinity is a huge fan of the pool and I am happy to have started her last year, young enough that she should be fairly successful at staying on top of the game. I am missing Sammy already, but also having some time to rejeuvenate my brain with the whole puberty child thing, I am hoping the break will provide us both some much needed patience for each other.

Katarina's 8th birthday party is on Saturday, we are headed to Silvercity to watch WallE.. I am actually pretty excited, it looks like a cute movie, and this will be the biggest birthday party I have ever had for one of the kids, as we typically keep them to 3 or 4 kids. She has 8 or 9 coming. She is pretty excited too. Sunday is her actual birthday.

After the big BBQ this Tuesday, I have decided I desperately need outdoor furniture. I -LOVE- being outside with the kids, and it is something I have never taken the oppurtunity to do. I feel refreshed and like I have accomplished something when I spend time outdoors. Hopefully somehow we can get something together, as I fully intend to have many more gatherings this summer.

Well, I am off to bed, this late night thing is starting to wear on me, and I am battling of some sort of a throat thing... It's not fun. Hopefully all goes well at the neurosurgeon tomorrow as it will depict our future for the next while.

I know I have been very negative when I have been writting lately, and I wanted to just take a minute to say that, I have kept this blog as a way to both have somewhere to just get my thoughts out on "paper" so to speak, allow an oppurtunity for others to get a glimpse at issues in relation to my cancer, and how it may be able to help or provide a familiar territory for those who are going through something similar, and also as a way to keep people updated on my life.

Life is not always sugarplums and all that wonderful stuff. The fact is, that sometimes things get heavy. I think of myself as a very positive person who has had some major set backs, but I have no intention of giving up, or letting emotions that I may release here, change who I am, or how I live my life. Just because I am feeling a certain way at a certain moment, or if I choose to blog late at night, like I often do, and just unload alot of stressors, does not mean that what you read here necessarily is affecting me to the degree that it may be perceived here. Something may weigh on my mind, and I may manage to supress it through the day, or maybe I have times where I just sort of gap out, and yes, sometimes, things do get to me, because I am human. I don't think that anyone can say that they let all stressors be pushed to the back of their minds completely, but the fact is, that we all function on the level necessary to get through what we need to. The attitude we choose to do so with, is the choice we have.

I guess the point is that even while I have been bellyaching alot lately, there are still many things going very right in my life, but sometimes I blog, during a moment they are not. My stresses have not affected my day to day life and I continue to push forward to get to the end of the tunnel, because the light is there, I just need to adjust some things so that I can see it more clearly. Right now, I have my "eye on the ball" so to speak. I am keeping things in order and persevering with high hopes that I can find a way to make some of our current transitions in our home, easier. So if anything, the stress in my life right now is fueling me to continue to make things better, and to work harder to get where I need to be.

Today was Canada Day and YCSC participated in the parade. Aside from getting there way too early and sitting in the scorching sun, it was a beautiful day! Everyone put alot of work into decorating the truck. Kristie's husband Ben, bugrudgingly at first, Brought out his work truck to pull us on. By the end, he was ear to ear in grins and already had the Christmas Parade planned out. Cassandra and Dennis joined us first thing, and Michelle, her man, and all of our children decorated and rode the float with pride. Each baby step we take, and each time I see the energy and initiative from our incredible organization members, I am astounded again.

We decided to throw an unplanned BBQ in our back yard, and in honesty, it was the first time that Chris and I have entertained real company, and it was a great feeling. We thouroughly enjoyed the time with our friends, getting to know each other's families better, and watching the kids play. I have felt very lucky lately to have found such wonderful people to share my time with, and to be building such strong relationships with on a family fun level as well. Sunday night, we went to Michelle and Mikes for a BBQ as well, and the two BBQ's this weekend, was more time with good company than my family has had in a very, very long time. It has been very lucky that aside from the organization, we are all very connected and many of us are very dear friends. That doesn't happen very often, and I feel privellaged.

Fireworks were beautiful, and poor Chris is Burnt and sun stroked, but as always, by my side, supporting me with the organizational aspect, and accomodating me with arrangements.

Time to turn my brain around and get it working on positive mode again. 14 days today until Quebec! I can't believe it! I have never been away from my family for more than afew days, this is going to be major, and the realism is starting to kick in... So is the excitement. I have afew pampering days coming up in preperation. I am going to the hair school to have some foils put in, then I am finally going to use the gift certificate my dad bruce, got me 2 birthdays ago and get a manicure, and Kristie is taking me out for a pedicure, and even bought me new jammies. Thank you sooo much! Michelle will be joining me for hair and manicure too. We also had a very talented tattoo artist, donate his time to doing out Young Strength symbols for us. It is something that I am passionate about and a major part of my life and since I am very into discrete expression through body art, I am completely pumped. At the moment, there will be 3-4 of us going in to get the same tattoo and I am hoping to have it done before we go as well, but time will tell on that one.

I didn't plan to write so much, so I am going to head to bed since I only got 3.5 hours sleep last night and it is already looking like 6 for me tonight!

Tonight's positive closing thought

All hills have two directions. Up and down. I can only climb uphill for so long before it is inevitable I will hit the downward decent.... Walking downhill is the easy part, and after that, it levels out. So I just need to stay positive, focused and strong, because as with all things, this too shall pass.

Goodnight.