It is crazy for me to think that it has been 19 months since my partial nephrectomy, and 29 months since my brain surgery. Here we are, the completion of another school year. Samantha is 12 and starts grade 7 in the fall. Katarin will be 8 in acouple of weeks and goes into grade 3. My baby just had her 3rd birthday on Monday, 3 years old! I can't believe it. This year feels as if it has just started and now it is over.

Drama continues to rule my life in pretty well every aspect. Samantha, full swing puberty, gives me a run for my money on a daily basis. I remember when the world felt too big for me too, yet it is still hard to relate, and to handle with the suave I would like to. Grade 6 was a real adjustment year for her as she went into middle school, grew into a new body/wardrobe/haircut and became so much less my little girl. It is so difficult watching her struggle through things that feel so huge in her world. Her social skills are stil lacking in many areas and yet her academics remain brilliant. Last week, she was awarded outstanding band student out of a very large band class, I would guess about 60-70 students, and she was in the top 7! Her cheer helped her overcome some of her many self esteem issues, and gave her something that was her own. I only have a short many years to help mould her into a self reliant, independant adult. She heads to her Dad's on July 1, and will be back near the end of the summer. It will be difficult to be without her for that long, especially since she has been here pretty well all year, but it will provide a much needed vacation for her.

Katarina really had a bizarre year. She has been part of a group of 4 kids ever since kindergarden and it has never been an especially healthy situation as they are hot and cold. We dealt with some bullying issues earlier on, which is amazing if you know Boo. She is far from fragile, but she is very easily put out of sorts. I am hoping next year, when they switch the classes up, that she will bond with some new friends and that her social situation will level out. We have seriously considered switching schools due to the non stop issues and the poor communication between the school and home, but I think we have decided to just let her finish it out there, pending anything further. It is a little strange since Boo is the social bee in the family, and as opposed to Sam, is more on the social and sporty side, and a little less on the academics. That being said, she came along really well this year and really improved her marks. She also excelled in her dance classes, and while she spent this year dancing with kids 2-3 years younger in most classes, she is being placed with kids closer to her age this year. I am hoping that will help her out socially as well. She is soo stubborn and pig headed, just like her dad.. I love em both to death but could kill them both on many occassions! :o) I think that the relationship between her and I has improved quite a bit as well, but I still have times where I struggle with her lack of respect towards me. I suppose in today's society, it is likely that I just expect too much from her. I was raised with a very strong sense of respect for my elders, if I backtalked my mom, I got it good. Chris is a lot less hardened in this area, so we often times have differences in agreeing upon what is considered disrespectful. I know she will give us a run for our money for the rest of our living days, but I am also pretty confident that she will be able to take care of herself.

Trinity is full of P & V these past days. She has sure learned alot this year. I remember when she was two, being really worried that she would never talk! But she talks up a storm now, and like Katarina, she is a very firey spirit. It should be interesting to see how she molds as she grows. Attitude is deffinately there! She has a stellar memory too, she is quite often able to talk about things from even a year ago! Katarina is also much the same way. It is so interesting to note the differences in all the girls. I guess in a way, they signify the differences in myself too! Trinity has by far gotten the most stable and laid back mom out of the lot. She has consistently had routine and schedules in her life, where as the other two girls, not so much. As I have grown stronger in my identity and matured as a person, so have the girls.

I often think back to mistakes or situations in my life and wonder how much I would have changed if I could. It is always easy to say that you wouldn't change anything, but I am sure I would. The question is, would I be who I am today if I had? Probably not. I am pretty sure that I am no where near where I need to be to say that I have become who I want to be, but I am also pretty sure, that I am on the road.

As we go into the summer, there are tough times ahead. Since the car accident, I have been unable to work. I don' work a whole lot, as I am on long term disability through CPP, but I work enough that I can bring in $300 or $400 a month, just to supplement us. Since ICBC has not excluded us from their "Low Impact Velocity" policy, It means I am not entitled to lost wages, until the do. So that has been hard to take. That is kind of scary, because if it has been difficult without that little amount, then on August 18th, when Chris is officially released from the military and goes onto disability, we lose $700 a month. That's going to be very,very painful for us. We haven't had to live so paycheck to paycheck as we have been recently and it scares me to think that August will be much, much worse. I am trying to have faith that things will work out as they are planned. If I look back on hard times, I can remeber that I have never been thrown something that we haven't been able to handle. Sometimes that has meant having to ask for help, which isn't really an option this time, but something will work out.

My injuries from the car accident have settled to a state of constant now. I do not have so many varied pains, but I do deffinately have some left. I still have issues with my bladder. My suergeon has said it could take 6 weeks before my urine goes back to normal and no longer shows blood. I still have issues with retention and loss of feeling while urinating. My neck is almost 100%, with just the odd twinge here and there on occasion. My headaches are back to my old headaches, and only once in awhile do I get the sharp pain behind my incision. I am still in a sling as If I make rapid or continous movement with my right arm, I get chest and shoulder blade spasms. So this means I favour the right, which is giving me sore muscles in some of my right side, nothing intolerable, but it is still very frustrating not being able to use the left arm.
Aside from that, the rest is mental. I am back to having nightly panic attacks, and I am snappy with everyone again. I stress about everything and have lost alot of my "let it be" attitude. Sleep is hard at night and then I am tired all day. I feel really low too. Because I am in pain, I do not go out often. I don't plan things to do during the day, because I can never tell how I will feel. The most frustrating part though, is the feeling of being helpless and unable.

I am a huge self starter, and I like to be on the go. I take on more than I can handle, and I make it handleable, but lately, my limitations have made me feel weak. I know I am allowing myself to be a victim, and when I try not to be, I overdo it. A great example of this was Relay. I felt like a useless tool.. Last year, I walked 10 out of 12 hours and really felt I was there to support a cause. This year, I had to rely on others to do almost everything, and the most I could manage to walk was about 2 hours out of the night. There are other things I want to put into motion with the organization, and I just feel helpless. I feel like I am being held back. I REALLY hate that feeling.

We are going to be in the Canada Day parade. Kristie's husband has a flat deck and we are going to decorate and ride it. I had alot of ideas for decorating, but I am now to the poitn where we will just throw balloons and streamers on it and go. I just procrastinated and thought of all the reasons I couldn't handle anything bigger, and I let myself, limit myself. That is so not like me. I have let this one go though, and basically decided that when I get back from Retreat, I will come back as myself Rested, Rejeuventaed and Ready to go. There will be alot to do when I get back and I hope to go in full force. Even if my body can't handle that, my brain can, and I need to get that focus and drive back.

Our wonderful pro bono lawyer has been amazing. We are probably within a month of becoming a Non Profit Society. It is so exciting. Once that is in place, it opens alot of doors for us. I am hoping to gain sponsors and begin some of our initiatives as soon as possible.

This afternoon, something else pretty special happened... When we were at Relay, Checking out the new banner, Michele brought up the idea of going as a group and getting the Chinese symbols (Which mean Young Strength) Tattooed. She joked that we should try and get someone to donate that. Well, you know me....A young tattoo artist saw my email and emailed me back. As it turns out, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma in April and himself and another artist in the shop he works at, has comitted to doing the tattoo work on the survivors who would like to have it done. This was kind of a unique idea, and not something that would be a typical thing that YCSC would go for, but the idea just really struck me when Michelle said it, and I thought, why not ask? I am hoping that we can have them done prior to leaving for Quebec, but since the artist starts chemo next week, it will be hard to say whether that is possible. Either way, this artist has earned oodles on my respect for doing this on our behalf.

I have several other things I want to get started on and am hoping next week I can begin doing so. I really want to put as much work in as I can now and get a strong footing in place. I want to have a firm planting in place by September. This works out quite well as last summer, when things slowed down and I was no longer moms taxi, I sunk into a very deep depression. I want to make sure to prevent that this year, and I can't think of anything I would rather put my heart and soul into. I am also hoping I can get back to work, so I can start feeling "normal" again.

Well I know that was another typical Julie blog, a whole novel in one sitting, so I should leave it there. It is a busy couple of days ahead of me. Bailey (My pup) goes in for surgery tomorrow, and we have out first day of housekeeping (we have to be home for it), when the kids get off school, there is time for a quick bit and then into Maple Ridge to take Katarina to Michelle's daughters birthday party.. YAA I GET TO SEE MY MICHELLE! I miss all my ladies so much these days. I can't wait to feel better and get out more.

I haven't been tanning in almost a week! I go again on Friday and just realized today that when I get my new Tat, I have to take 2-3 weeks off tanning! I am going to die I think! Ha.. It has become so much a part of who I am. I am trying to save afew $$'s to go get acouple of foils in my hair before leaving too as my new colour is very dark, and I would like something to break it up. I also need acouplepairs of jammies, since I have nothing that is suitable for sharing a room for 5 nights. Mostly I wear all moms old jammies!

Okay I am off now

It is Wednesday, June 25 at 11:48pm
Todays happy thought is that the weather has been beautiful and there is alot going on around me. I am anxious to get back to myself and to enjoy my summer.