Well, I like to think I have grown to a point where I can honestly say that I own my illness. I feel like I have reached a point where it takes alot to get me down, but in the past 3 days, I have been hard pressed to find the positive in what I am going through.

The most frustrating thing for me is that there is so little damage on the car, I cannot get my mind to understand how it is possible that I am in as rough shape as I am... but somehow, here I am.

At this point, there is little that doesn't hurt. I have a constant headache that sometimes worsens with knife sharp spasms from my neck into the base of my skull. Under each shoulder blade hurts contantly, and again, I have periods of spasming. I cannot reach my left arm above my shoulder or my arm and hand go to sleep. I have a constant dull pain in my middle of my upper back and my neck has next to no mobility. The left hand side of my pevis hurts and has the visible brusing, and just above my left kidney feels bruised.. That paired with my normal chronic flank pain, makes my entire left side unuseable. The top of my right thigh, I have pulled a muscle, obviously from having my foot on the brake, so whenever I switch from gas to brake or if I lift my right leg, it is very painful. Because I am compensating for my left side, my right side has more spasming.

This morning I felt heavy.. My abdomen looked and felt bloated and my hands and feet were swollen, so I weighed myself... Since I have lost all the weight, I weigh myself almost daily.. bad as it is... So I know that I have gained 7.5 pounds since the accident. I am assuming one of the meds I am on is causing retention, because it is all swelling... It still hurts when I pee too...

I know I should not be driving at all but it is such an interesting position to find yourself in.. completely uncapable of managing a damn thing, but having no choice. Today was Katarina's second say of dance pics, and she had to be there. Chris is as bad, if not worse then me, so with Sam trying to back seat shoulder check and gauge distances while I backed up, we got through. But I do not more than I have to because other than being a huge risk.... It is REALLY painful.

I felt completely victimized (something I try not to feel) when I was unable to get Katarina through her hair and outfit changes. Another dance mom had to do it for me, and I stood there feeling helpless and stupid.

I am edgy and irritable, and pretty much want to crawl into a hole. Chris and I fought on and off over the past two days, but honestly, I am surprised how well we are managing with our tempers considering! I just feel fowl overall!

I also hate that I can't do anything I want to! I want to be doing my normal stuff for the organization, but I can't sit at the computer for more than 10 minutes or my headache gets worse and my eyes go blurry.

So there's all my complaining. I am sorry If I have not been as present for some of you as I usually am, but I really am battling myself right now.. Trying to get my upbeat face back on before reentering the world of the living, because right now I am nothing but mad, angry and irritated.

I am hoping right now that I can make huge improvements in the next week and be able to be at Relay 100%. I will go regardless... Wild Horses couldn't keep me away, but I would really love to enjoy it.

I have a follow up Dr. appointment in the morning to check my urine, I am really hoping it is clear, because I am holding my breathe at this point. If there is still blood, there is a good chance I have done something internally, and the fact I am carrying 7.5lbs of fluid right now is only making me more nervous!

Katarina has her xray in the morning to check and see if her neck is ok as the dr thought he felt something not quite right. Trinity has been complaining of an owwy back, so we will be taking her back in as soon as we can as well.

I just don't get it! They say we are only given what it is we can handle in this lifetime and that it is meant to teach us whatever it is we are supposed to learn... Maybe because I am starting to get a handle on my illness it was time for a new test? I'm not sure, but I am starting to think that patience, tolerance and a bulletproof mentality are on my "to learn list"
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No happy thought today other than the hopes I can sleep a whole night tonight.