Don't concern yourself with this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Tonight I find myself in a spot I have many times before... A sort of philisophical, meaning of life state. I find myself zoning in and out, wrapped up in my own thoughts and tangles in life.

I know many times I bring it up, and it truley is my philosophy on life, that we are all here for a reason, and everything we do, and everything that happens, is there for a reason. There is something to be learned, gained, taught, from every situation we find ourselves in. I am sure I have said the very same thing, here, in this blog.

I find that often times, it will be just a short time later that I will understand why it is that I was in a certain position, or what it was that I learned from some sort of difficulty, that seemed pretty major at the time. Other times, it makes no sense. It continues to hurt for a long time, often forever. Some crisses, stay crisses, and they never get better, just become easier to deal with. Once in awhile, they don't even do that. There are afew things in my life, that have pained me and caused me stress, hardship and grief, for as long as I can remember. They don't make any sense to me, and they likely never will, but even in these things, When I am able to calm myself down, and think them through, I know there is something there to be learned.

The past few days have been very emotionally draining for me. I have not been myself, and I have felt horrible. I seem to have found my familiar place of having things pile up on me. I am trying to keep smiling, and be aware that it will pass, and I will soon be over it, and things will be peaceful and hopefully abundant again. Honestly, the one thing I can say is that, in some ways, I have a much greater support system in place now, that I ever have, so for that, I am grateful. It really does make the dark days a bit brighter. In other ways....

My whole childhood, I had issues with my mom. She never quite knew how to be a parent. Many times, it felt like I was raising her. I matured very young, and I assosciated with adults, because that's all I knew. I couldn't always understand why I didn't get the things the other kids did. I didn't have the picturesque life that other children did. Honestly, I resented that alot too. I never truely understood my mom until I was an adult. She was never taught to be independant, or strong, or "motherly". She didn't even -have- a mother past about 12, and even prior to that, her mother was unwell. She had an abusive father, and I won't even get into that, but I know now, whole heartedly, that no matter what mistakes she made, no matter how she was unable to do certain things, or whatever else, that she was the person in my life, who took me, 100% for just who I was. It didn't matter what mistakes I made, or how stupid I looked, or what dumb thing I said, or what I wore, or who I hung out with, she loved me. That's not to say that she didn't offer her advice, I mean, seriously, she was the travel agent for guilt trips, and alot of times I bought them too! Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes she was right. Alot of times she wasn't. As a parent of a 12 year old now, I know I will do the same stupid things she did. I know how much pain and grief I must have caused her, and through all that, I can only hope that my children realize how much I dearly and wholley love them,just like my mom did, now and forever, no matter what, no judgements.. Just for being my children. I know they will make mistakes, I know I will ride their bottoms until the day I die, and I know, that in the end, they will be whoever they are meant to be, and I hope that I have impacted their lives as much as my mother did mine.

I see "mom"isms in me ALL the time. I notice lately that I look more like her. I use the same stupid lines she did with my when disciplining as I do, I make some of the favourites she used to, and yes, I have many of the same faults. I remember as a kid, wanting so badly to grow up, move out, do my own thing. All I want lately, is to go back 15 years, stay young and love my mom, regardless of what she does.

I'm crying as I write this, because I can almost feel her here with me, and I know she feels how much I love her and miss her.

Since I was little, I have had my heart broken. It is almost as if everytime I get myself to a place where I can feel safe, something snaps, somehow I feel abandoned. I am so lucky in the past several years to have the constants of my wonderful husband and my beautiful daughters. No matter how low I get, even when things are rough at home, because that does happen sometimes, we all pull each other through.

Chris, I love you so much, as much as we fight like cats and dogs, you have brought things out in me, and leveled things off for me in a way no one else has ever been able to. You have supported me, and nursed me through difficult times, that no one should have to deal with, not just the cancer, but the many ups and downs we have been through. You are an amazing dad, and I wish I knew how to be half the parent you are.The stregth in your arms keeps me safe, and at the end of the day, I can let everything go, and know that you will catch me if I fall.

Samantha, You are so amazing! You are brilliant beyong all belief. You are gorgeous. You have charm, charisma and energy that you don't even realize! I can totally relate to you on so many levels. I feel your pain in everything you are going through right now, puberty, boys, split homes... I remember how hard 12 was. I hope you realize that even though I am pretty hard on you, it is because I know the potential you have inside you and I want to make sure I help you unlock it before it's too late. Never settle for anything less than the best. Be strong, indpendant and vibrant. Reach for the stars because baby, if I know anyone who can get them, it's you. You're my baby, you taught me so much and gave me reason to become something better than I was. I am sorry for all the bumps along the way, I was learning the best I could, and even mom's make mistakes. I love you.

Katarina, You are a firecracker. You have given me a run for my money since you were 2 years old. There have been so many times when you have outwitted me, outsmarted me and you always keep me guessing. Your eyes sparkle. You have so much life in you and such amazing abilities. I love your passion and your never ending passion and inquistiveness.The world is your oyster. Don't ever lose your stubborness. It is going to get in your way more times than not, but it will lead you where you need to go.Keep growing, Keep learning, Keep struggling. Nothing is impossible and sometimes it might take afew goes to get it, but it is always there waiting for you. You are so much like me it scares me. There is no challenge too big for you and the world is waiting, so do amazing things! I love you.

Trinity, If youhad been my first, you would have been my only, so thank goodness they saved you for last. You are just a little balls of spit and energy. I think you will end up alot like Katarina, and like Katarina, I do not envy the boy who ends up with you. I know you are going to keep Daddy and I on our toes for a long time to come. Your smile lights up a room and your laugh is contagious. Everyone you meet loves you. You are so quick to learn things and so eager to take on more. You are going to be an amazing spirit. I love you.

I have realized lately, how short time is. With my accident injuries and being compromised in my abilities yet again, It has brought to the forefront, that I still do not know how many healthy days I will have in this life. I can only hope that they will be numerous and amazing, and that I will be here for everything to come and that I will put my cancer in my pocket and keep it only as a tiny part of me.

There was a time, when I was about 21 years old, that my mother phoned me. She has been terminal for 5 years at that point, and she was dealing with some new issues in her cancer. The phonecall was out of the blue. We had been fighting. It was a quick call and it almost felt like one you would receive from a recovering alcoholic. She said, "Julie, I need to let you go now. I need to let you live your own life. I need you to let me concentrate on my health and stop worrying so much about you."

The phonecall hurt, as I felt I was being blamed for her struggles, and I really didn't understand it, but in the past year, it has become so clear. She need to say outloud, that she had to let go of her stresses. It was nothing I needed to take personally, and she didn't love me any less, she just need to verbally state to her mind, that she had to stop obsessing over the mistakes I was making because it was draining her.

I am much healthier than my mom was, but in the past year, I have had one majoy source of stress. I have been able to keep it at bay in sorts on and off, but recently, it reared it's head again. It is an issue that takes an enourmous amount out of me, and has since I was a little girl, but it has weighed heavier and heavier over the years. I tried to teach myself to be non reactive, to not let it affect me, and that worked, for awhile, but lately it has taken me over again. I am where my mom was when I was 21, I have to let it go now. I am not in a position to verbalize it, so I am just making a note of it here, so that my brain knows, that this is where it ends. I have no control over it anymore, and I am not going to let it control me. So I need to leave it behind in order to move on. I am emotionally drained and my heart is heavy, I am tired and I can't fight it anymore. I want to be around awhile longer, so for Chris, Sam, Katarina, Trin and most of all, for me, I am leaving it here.

I know that doesn't make alot of sense to most, but that's ok.

On a closing note, and I am afraid that once again, I am leaving it heavy tonight with no happy thought. I have been anguishing since Thurdsay and am having a pretty tough time with something else.

One of my best friends, and a member of our organization, has found a lump. She hasn't been out of treatment very long and I really need all the positive thoughts you can send her way. I am not sure that she is wanting the information released right now, so please just know that we have someone in need of our thoughts, and direct them however it is that you do that. I love what I am doing with YCSC, but these are the times when I really, really don't. I love you, and I am really pulling for this just being an inflamation of some sort.

Goodnight.