Don't concern yourself with this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Tonight I find myself in a spot I have many times before... A sort of philisophical, meaning of life state. I find myself zoning in and out, wrapped up in my own thoughts and tangles in life.

I know many times I bring it up, and it truley is my philosophy on life, that we are all here for a reason, and everything we do, and everything that happens, is there for a reason. There is something to be learned, gained, taught, from every situation we find ourselves in. I am sure I have said the very same thing, here, in this blog.

I find that often times, it will be just a short time later that I will understand why it is that I was in a certain position, or what it was that I learned from some sort of difficulty, that seemed pretty major at the time. Other times, it makes no sense. It continues to hurt for a long time, often forever. Some crisses, stay crisses, and they never get better, just become easier to deal with. Once in awhile, they don't even do that. There are afew things in my life, that have pained me and caused me stress, hardship and grief, for as long as I can remember. They don't make any sense to me, and they likely never will, but even in these things, When I am able to calm myself down, and think them through, I know there is something there to be learned.

The past few days have been very emotionally draining for me. I have not been myself, and I have felt horrible. I seem to have found my familiar place of having things pile up on me. I am trying to keep smiling, and be aware that it will pass, and I will soon be over it, and things will be peaceful and hopefully abundant again. Honestly, the one thing I can say is that, in some ways, I have a much greater support system in place now, that I ever have, so for that, I am grateful. It really does make the dark days a bit brighter. In other ways....

My whole childhood, I had issues with my mom. She never quite knew how to be a parent. Many times, it felt like I was raising her. I matured very young, and I assosciated with adults, because that's all I knew. I couldn't always understand why I didn't get the things the other kids did. I didn't have the picturesque life that other children did. Honestly, I resented that alot too. I never truely understood my mom until I was an adult. She was never taught to be independant, or strong, or "motherly". She didn't even -have- a mother past about 12, and even prior to that, her mother was unwell. She had an abusive father, and I won't even get into that, but I know now, whole heartedly, that no matter what mistakes she made, no matter how she was unable to do certain things, or whatever else, that she was the person in my life, who took me, 100% for just who I was. It didn't matter what mistakes I made, or how stupid I looked, or what dumb thing I said, or what I wore, or who I hung out with, she loved me. That's not to say that she didn't offer her advice, I mean, seriously, she was the travel agent for guilt trips, and alot of times I bought them too! Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes she was right. Alot of times she wasn't. As a parent of a 12 year old now, I know I will do the same stupid things she did. I know how much pain and grief I must have caused her, and through all that, I can only hope that my children realize how much I dearly and wholley love them,just like my mom did, now and forever, no matter what, no judgements.. Just for being my children. I know they will make mistakes, I know I will ride their bottoms until the day I die, and I know, that in the end, they will be whoever they are meant to be, and I hope that I have impacted their lives as much as my mother did mine.

I see "mom"isms in me ALL the time. I notice lately that I look more like her. I use the same stupid lines she did with my when disciplining as I do, I make some of the favourites she used to, and yes, I have many of the same faults. I remember as a kid, wanting so badly to grow up, move out, do my own thing. All I want lately, is to go back 15 years, stay young and love my mom, regardless of what she does.

I'm crying as I write this, because I can almost feel her here with me, and I know she feels how much I love her and miss her.

Since I was little, I have had my heart broken. It is almost as if everytime I get myself to a place where I can feel safe, something snaps, somehow I feel abandoned. I am so lucky in the past several years to have the constants of my wonderful husband and my beautiful daughters. No matter how low I get, even when things are rough at home, because that does happen sometimes, we all pull each other through.

Chris, I love you so much, as much as we fight like cats and dogs, you have brought things out in me, and leveled things off for me in a way no one else has ever been able to. You have supported me, and nursed me through difficult times, that no one should have to deal with, not just the cancer, but the many ups and downs we have been through. You are an amazing dad, and I wish I knew how to be half the parent you are.The stregth in your arms keeps me safe, and at the end of the day, I can let everything go, and know that you will catch me if I fall.

Samantha, You are so amazing! You are brilliant beyong all belief. You are gorgeous. You have charm, charisma and energy that you don't even realize! I can totally relate to you on so many levels. I feel your pain in everything you are going through right now, puberty, boys, split homes... I remember how hard 12 was. I hope you realize that even though I am pretty hard on you, it is because I know the potential you have inside you and I want to make sure I help you unlock it before it's too late. Never settle for anything less than the best. Be strong, indpendant and vibrant. Reach for the stars because baby, if I know anyone who can get them, it's you. You're my baby, you taught me so much and gave me reason to become something better than I was. I am sorry for all the bumps along the way, I was learning the best I could, and even mom's make mistakes. I love you.

Katarina, You are a firecracker. You have given me a run for my money since you were 2 years old. There have been so many times when you have outwitted me, outsmarted me and you always keep me guessing. Your eyes sparkle. You have so much life in you and such amazing abilities. I love your passion and your never ending passion and inquistiveness.The world is your oyster. Don't ever lose your stubborness. It is going to get in your way more times than not, but it will lead you where you need to go.Keep growing, Keep learning, Keep struggling. Nothing is impossible and sometimes it might take afew goes to get it, but it is always there waiting for you. You are so much like me it scares me. There is no challenge too big for you and the world is waiting, so do amazing things! I love you.

Trinity, If youhad been my first, you would have been my only, so thank goodness they saved you for last. You are just a little balls of spit and energy. I think you will end up alot like Katarina, and like Katarina, I do not envy the boy who ends up with you. I know you are going to keep Daddy and I on our toes for a long time to come. Your smile lights up a room and your laugh is contagious. Everyone you meet loves you. You are so quick to learn things and so eager to take on more. You are going to be an amazing spirit. I love you.

I have realized lately, how short time is. With my accident injuries and being compromised in my abilities yet again, It has brought to the forefront, that I still do not know how many healthy days I will have in this life. I can only hope that they will be numerous and amazing, and that I will be here for everything to come and that I will put my cancer in my pocket and keep it only as a tiny part of me.

There was a time, when I was about 21 years old, that my mother phoned me. She has been terminal for 5 years at that point, and she was dealing with some new issues in her cancer. The phonecall was out of the blue. We had been fighting. It was a quick call and it almost felt like one you would receive from a recovering alcoholic. She said, "Julie, I need to let you go now. I need to let you live your own life. I need you to let me concentrate on my health and stop worrying so much about you."

The phonecall hurt, as I felt I was being blamed for her struggles, and I really didn't understand it, but in the past year, it has become so clear. She need to say outloud, that she had to let go of her stresses. It was nothing I needed to take personally, and she didn't love me any less, she just need to verbally state to her mind, that she had to stop obsessing over the mistakes I was making because it was draining her.

I am much healthier than my mom was, but in the past year, I have had one majoy source of stress. I have been able to keep it at bay in sorts on and off, but recently, it reared it's head again. It is an issue that takes an enourmous amount out of me, and has since I was a little girl, but it has weighed heavier and heavier over the years. I tried to teach myself to be non reactive, to not let it affect me, and that worked, for awhile, but lately it has taken me over again. I am where my mom was when I was 21, I have to let it go now. I am not in a position to verbalize it, so I am just making a note of it here, so that my brain knows, that this is where it ends. I have no control over it anymore, and I am not going to let it control me. So I need to leave it behind in order to move on. I am emotionally drained and my heart is heavy, I am tired and I can't fight it anymore. I want to be around awhile longer, so for Chris, Sam, Katarina, Trin and most of all, for me, I am leaving it here.

I know that doesn't make alot of sense to most, but that's ok.

On a closing note, and I am afraid that once again, I am leaving it heavy tonight with no happy thought. I have been anguishing since Thurdsay and am having a pretty tough time with something else.

One of my best friends, and a member of our organization, has found a lump. She hasn't been out of treatment very long and I really need all the positive thoughts you can send her way. I am not sure that she is wanting the information released right now, so please just know that we have someone in need of our thoughts, and direct them however it is that you do that. I love what I am doing with YCSC, but these are the times when I really, really don't. I love you, and I am really pulling for this just being an inflamation of some sort.

Goodnight.

It is crazy for me to think that it has been 19 months since my partial nephrectomy, and 29 months since my brain surgery. Here we are, the completion of another school year. Samantha is 12 and starts grade 7 in the fall. Katarin will be 8 in acouple of weeks and goes into grade 3. My baby just had her 3rd birthday on Monday, 3 years old! I can't believe it. This year feels as if it has just started and now it is over.

Drama continues to rule my life in pretty well every aspect. Samantha, full swing puberty, gives me a run for my money on a daily basis. I remember when the world felt too big for me too, yet it is still hard to relate, and to handle with the suave I would like to. Grade 6 was a real adjustment year for her as she went into middle school, grew into a new body/wardrobe/haircut and became so much less my little girl. It is so difficult watching her struggle through things that feel so huge in her world. Her social skills are stil lacking in many areas and yet her academics remain brilliant. Last week, she was awarded outstanding band student out of a very large band class, I would guess about 60-70 students, and she was in the top 7! Her cheer helped her overcome some of her many self esteem issues, and gave her something that was her own. I only have a short many years to help mould her into a self reliant, independant adult. She heads to her Dad's on July 1, and will be back near the end of the summer. It will be difficult to be without her for that long, especially since she has been here pretty well all year, but it will provide a much needed vacation for her.

Katarina really had a bizarre year. She has been part of a group of 4 kids ever since kindergarden and it has never been an especially healthy situation as they are hot and cold. We dealt with some bullying issues earlier on, which is amazing if you know Boo. She is far from fragile, but she is very easily put out of sorts. I am hoping next year, when they switch the classes up, that she will bond with some new friends and that her social situation will level out. We have seriously considered switching schools due to the non stop issues and the poor communication between the school and home, but I think we have decided to just let her finish it out there, pending anything further. It is a little strange since Boo is the social bee in the family, and as opposed to Sam, is more on the social and sporty side, and a little less on the academics. That being said, she came along really well this year and really improved her marks. She also excelled in her dance classes, and while she spent this year dancing with kids 2-3 years younger in most classes, she is being placed with kids closer to her age this year. I am hoping that will help her out socially as well. She is soo stubborn and pig headed, just like her dad.. I love em both to death but could kill them both on many occassions! :o) I think that the relationship between her and I has improved quite a bit as well, but I still have times where I struggle with her lack of respect towards me. I suppose in today's society, it is likely that I just expect too much from her. I was raised with a very strong sense of respect for my elders, if I backtalked my mom, I got it good. Chris is a lot less hardened in this area, so we often times have differences in agreeing upon what is considered disrespectful. I know she will give us a run for our money for the rest of our living days, but I am also pretty confident that she will be able to take care of herself.

Trinity is full of P & V these past days. She has sure learned alot this year. I remember when she was two, being really worried that she would never talk! But she talks up a storm now, and like Katarina, she is a very firey spirit. It should be interesting to see how she molds as she grows. Attitude is deffinately there! She has a stellar memory too, she is quite often able to talk about things from even a year ago! Katarina is also much the same way. It is so interesting to note the differences in all the girls. I guess in a way, they signify the differences in myself too! Trinity has by far gotten the most stable and laid back mom out of the lot. She has consistently had routine and schedules in her life, where as the other two girls, not so much. As I have grown stronger in my identity and matured as a person, so have the girls.

I often think back to mistakes or situations in my life and wonder how much I would have changed if I could. It is always easy to say that you wouldn't change anything, but I am sure I would. The question is, would I be who I am today if I had? Probably not. I am pretty sure that I am no where near where I need to be to say that I have become who I want to be, but I am also pretty sure, that I am on the road.

As we go into the summer, there are tough times ahead. Since the car accident, I have been unable to work. I don' work a whole lot, as I am on long term disability through CPP, but I work enough that I can bring in $300 or $400 a month, just to supplement us. Since ICBC has not excluded us from their "Low Impact Velocity" policy, It means I am not entitled to lost wages, until the do. So that has been hard to take. That is kind of scary, because if it has been difficult without that little amount, then on August 18th, when Chris is officially released from the military and goes onto disability, we lose $700 a month. That's going to be very,very painful for us. We haven't had to live so paycheck to paycheck as we have been recently and it scares me to think that August will be much, much worse. I am trying to have faith that things will work out as they are planned. If I look back on hard times, I can remeber that I have never been thrown something that we haven't been able to handle. Sometimes that has meant having to ask for help, which isn't really an option this time, but something will work out.

My injuries from the car accident have settled to a state of constant now. I do not have so many varied pains, but I do deffinately have some left. I still have issues with my bladder. My suergeon has said it could take 6 weeks before my urine goes back to normal and no longer shows blood. I still have issues with retention and loss of feeling while urinating. My neck is almost 100%, with just the odd twinge here and there on occasion. My headaches are back to my old headaches, and only once in awhile do I get the sharp pain behind my incision. I am still in a sling as If I make rapid or continous movement with my right arm, I get chest and shoulder blade spasms. So this means I favour the right, which is giving me sore muscles in some of my right side, nothing intolerable, but it is still very frustrating not being able to use the left arm.
Aside from that, the rest is mental. I am back to having nightly panic attacks, and I am snappy with everyone again. I stress about everything and have lost alot of my "let it be" attitude. Sleep is hard at night and then I am tired all day. I feel really low too. Because I am in pain, I do not go out often. I don't plan things to do during the day, because I can never tell how I will feel. The most frustrating part though, is the feeling of being helpless and unable.

I am a huge self starter, and I like to be on the go. I take on more than I can handle, and I make it handleable, but lately, my limitations have made me feel weak. I know I am allowing myself to be a victim, and when I try not to be, I overdo it. A great example of this was Relay. I felt like a useless tool.. Last year, I walked 10 out of 12 hours and really felt I was there to support a cause. This year, I had to rely on others to do almost everything, and the most I could manage to walk was about 2 hours out of the night. There are other things I want to put into motion with the organization, and I just feel helpless. I feel like I am being held back. I REALLY hate that feeling.

We are going to be in the Canada Day parade. Kristie's husband has a flat deck and we are going to decorate and ride it. I had alot of ideas for decorating, but I am now to the poitn where we will just throw balloons and streamers on it and go. I just procrastinated and thought of all the reasons I couldn't handle anything bigger, and I let myself, limit myself. That is so not like me. I have let this one go though, and basically decided that when I get back from Retreat, I will come back as myself Rested, Rejeuventaed and Ready to go. There will be alot to do when I get back and I hope to go in full force. Even if my body can't handle that, my brain can, and I need to get that focus and drive back.

Our wonderful pro bono lawyer has been amazing. We are probably within a month of becoming a Non Profit Society. It is so exciting. Once that is in place, it opens alot of doors for us. I am hoping to gain sponsors and begin some of our initiatives as soon as possible.

This afternoon, something else pretty special happened... When we were at Relay, Checking out the new banner, Michele brought up the idea of going as a group and getting the Chinese symbols (Which mean Young Strength) Tattooed. She joked that we should try and get someone to donate that. Well, you know me....A young tattoo artist saw my email and emailed me back. As it turns out, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma in April and himself and another artist in the shop he works at, has comitted to doing the tattoo work on the survivors who would like to have it done. This was kind of a unique idea, and not something that would be a typical thing that YCSC would go for, but the idea just really struck me when Michelle said it, and I thought, why not ask? I am hoping that we can have them done prior to leaving for Quebec, but since the artist starts chemo next week, it will be hard to say whether that is possible. Either way, this artist has earned oodles on my respect for doing this on our behalf.

I have several other things I want to get started on and am hoping next week I can begin doing so. I really want to put as much work in as I can now and get a strong footing in place. I want to have a firm planting in place by September. This works out quite well as last summer, when things slowed down and I was no longer moms taxi, I sunk into a very deep depression. I want to make sure to prevent that this year, and I can't think of anything I would rather put my heart and soul into. I am also hoping I can get back to work, so I can start feeling "normal" again.

Well I know that was another typical Julie blog, a whole novel in one sitting, so I should leave it there. It is a busy couple of days ahead of me. Bailey (My pup) goes in for surgery tomorrow, and we have out first day of housekeeping (we have to be home for it), when the kids get off school, there is time for a quick bit and then into Maple Ridge to take Katarina to Michelle's daughters birthday party.. YAA I GET TO SEE MY MICHELLE! I miss all my ladies so much these days. I can't wait to feel better and get out more.

I haven't been tanning in almost a week! I go again on Friday and just realized today that when I get my new Tat, I have to take 2-3 weeks off tanning! I am going to die I think! Ha.. It has become so much a part of who I am. I am trying to save afew $$'s to go get acouple of foils in my hair before leaving too as my new colour is very dark, and I would like something to break it up. I also need acouplepairs of jammies, since I have nothing that is suitable for sharing a room for 5 nights. Mostly I wear all moms old jammies!

Okay I am off now

It is Wednesday, June 25 at 11:48pm
Todays happy thought is that the weather has been beautiful and there is alot going on around me. I am anxious to get back to myself and to enjoy my summer.

I want to start out saying that those of you active with YCSC (Yes, we officially launched our new name last night at Relay for Life - Young Canadians Surviving Cancer) are all amazing!

Last night we had a HUGE team of amazing people, who honestly I can say I call family at this point for all the amazing things that each one of them brings to the table, come out and not -just-participate, but fundraise their butts off and stayed out ALL NIGHT!

The event began at 6:30pm, We had a huge beautiful sight. A huge thank you to all of you who brought out food, and camp site stuff to make our tent one of the most atmoshpheric and well food stocked tents there!

The beginning of the night was shared with friends, family, husbands and children of all us YCSC people and their supporters. The kids had a BLAST! Running around, playing bumbbles, jumping in the jumpe tent that Relay brought out this year (Great idea Relay!) We socialized and as with all night except for pictures, there was at least one member on the track at all times.

By about 9:30-10:00pm, all non members had headed out, still leaving us with an amazing team of relayers.
Myself, (YCSC)
Kristie, (YCSC)
Rebecca (Kristies's pregnant sister! Congrats!)
Mom Stewart (Kristies's mom- mine by assosciation)
Helena(Kirstie's mom's friend-WHOLLY SPIRIT! And after 12 hours of Relaying.. WENT TO WORK!!!)
Aunt Bobbi (Kristie's Aunt)
Michelle(YCSC)
Chelsea (My sister - 16 - 17 on the 26th-Happy BDay!)
Jessica (My sisters friend)
Samantha (My 12 year old daughter)
Emma (Sam's friend)
Cassandra(YCSC)
Dennis (Cassandra's Fiance)
Mark (Dennis's 17 year old brother)
Elena(YCSC)
Laura(YCSC)

ALong with other random supporters and visitors through the night.

7 Young Canadians Surviving Cancer, made it all night through! That is -AMAZING-

It was wonderful having the good company of friends, the warmth of an amazingly real propane fire and all the good foor and fun. I was especially inspired by the YOUTH on our team... A whole new generation of teens out there supporting their loved ones and raising funds for cancer.

Our youngest participants, Sam and Emma, both raising over $100 on their own! Chelsea, 17 raising $500! Jessica,17, also over $100!

I am not even going to honour specific people out of the rest, because they all did AMAZING! Wahat was so incredible to me, was we attended to night in order to celebrate our successes, we had no intention of fund raising as we had just completed a major group fundraiser, and we still came in as the 3rd top fundraiser for the event! Out of ALL of ABBOTSFORD! WOW!

The evening was made complete, when we went up to do the closing ceremonies, on behalf of our group, to inspire people to continue FIGHTING BACK... to make sure cancer never wins... and I was able to introduce Dennis, on stage to come up and propose to his girlfriend Cassandra, of two years. I don't think there were many dry eyes as she gleefully accepted, and we all prepare to attend a wedding in the future. Cassandra is 24 years old and has a rare and chronic cancer similar to myself, but hers is typical for children and has presented in adulthood, Wilms tumour. She is currently going through a long and grueling, intensive Chemo, and was bright and bushy tailed through the whole night. I think that Cassandra and Dennis, along with being some of our top organizational supporters, sponosors and participants, are also one of the most beautiful and perfect couples I have ever met!

Relay was a smashing success.. and with over $5000.00 raised on our teams behalf, it brightens our thoughts and future as we continue on with other awareness, education and quality of life missions to make sure that Young Adults with Cancer are not forgoteen anymore.

I will write more hopefully tomorrow on my personal issues and my progress with my car accident injuries, but will leave this entry as is for now.

Watch for us in the upcoming community events! The next date is the July 1st parade! See you there!
And congratulations tema YCSC and Cassandra and Dennis on your new life together!

Today was busy, but better. I was once again swung into my typically busy life, with little time to pity or over analyse. That's what keeps me so strong most of the time, is the fact that I just don;t have time to not be.

This morning we took the two girls to school, and I battled with the fatigue again, feeling like I was drifting at the wheel and falling asleep during the 7 minute wait in the car before walking boo to class. I feel like I just can't catch up on the sleep front, but it helps that I can't sleep at night! Last night I tossed and turned in pain and anxiety, and when I would fall asleep, I would wake myself up to my own whimpering. My wonderful husband did not let me retreat to the couch, but rather helped me through all night. It was great support to have, despite me causing him to be lethargic most of today too!

After we dropped the girls off, we headed into Mission to Cassandra and Dennis's place to grab the Relay for Life Tshirts we ordered. The whole team ordered these custom made shirts that say, "Cancer Sucks" with a nice big tongue sticking out... They are adorable and will form a real sense of unity out on the track! The shirt is especially cute on Sam who is so tall and thin, that it appears like the logo overwhelms her! I love it!

Then we went back into town to Christene's house. I was happy to see her as it had been a bit since I had, and last I saw her she was having a hard go with her pain. She has a cancer that is throughout the bones in her spine and hips and she has had almost all of her disks replaced with plastic. It is very, very scary, but I was so relieved to see her looking a bit brighter today. She says she feels brighter than she has in a long time too! I borrowed a camping shelter from her for Relay.

We headed home to make phone calls and such. Since the accident, we keep our always full schedule, even fuller. Now with Dr. and lawyer appointments and Phone calls for Chris's Military demands as this is considered an "at work injury" since he was on leave but attending a work related appointment at the time of the accident. Typical military crap where we have to jump through rings.. It is soo exhausting!

Then we headed back into town to pick boo up. She was still complaining of her neck and headaches, so we took her to the Dr. with us as I had an appointment. The Dr. confirmed that her Xrays were fine, which is great. He checked her neck and says she has some soft tissue damage, likely a bruised muscle in the neck area. Sensitive to touch, but should heal up fine. That is a relief. As for me, My Urine tested the highest possible for blood again, making it 11 days now that I have been high positive for blood in the urine. The ultrasound report was in and aside from the Cysts all over my kidney, which we knew about, there is nothing abnormal, other than "Sludge in my gallbladder". I had no idea what that was, after talking to Kristie and doing some research, it makes more sense, and I think it may be from when I recently lost that 30 pounds over 2 weeks, as rapid weight loss is a huge cause of it. There is nothing to be done about it at this point, but basically it makes it likely that if they ever have to do an entire kidney removal, they would also take my gallbladder out.

So the frustrating thing at this point was, the dr. really didn't feel the need to do any further follow up on the bleeding. I felt extremely uneasy about this and decided it was time to call my specialist. I have a very good relationship with my Urologist. I left him a voicemail explaining the accident, the pelvis bruising and the high numbers. He called me back and without missing a beat, said he is positive it is bladder bruising caused from the trauma to my bladder, from the seat belt , from the impact. When all this started 11 days ago, Kristie said she was sure that's what it was too (Kristie is a Vet Tech, so while she doesn't do human things.. she is very versed on the body and it's functions)and when I suggested it to my GP he told me that there was no way that's what caused the bleeding. So I was feeling a little frustrated by that, but am happy to have received some reassuring news about what it likely is and when to expect it to stop. Apparently the healing process can take 6 weeks or so. After explaining that I am having some problems urinating, he has decided to bring me in and do an exam, just to be sure there is nothing else going on, but I feel relieved that I finally have an answer. I am not good at taking the laid back approach to my health.

So through all this, I find myself shaking my head over this whole "low velocity Impact" policy of ICBC's. I mean, Obviously we were hit hard enough to cause a visible bruise on my pelvis, and Bladder bruising... and those are just the two things that can be proven without a doubt... How can they possibly try and deny us treatment?! I can't believe it. The worst part is, I can honestly say, that before going through this, I would see the little fender benders and get irritated with drivers that would complain of injuries, because it never seemed logical, and here I am... It is too bad so many morons go and do fraudulent things so that this has even become an issue!

Relay is fast approaching. Only 4 more days. I am slightly discouraged that I will not be at my best, but am eager to have a night with my group and my friends. Tonight I took Sam around, just to the few houses around us, and she knocked and doors and she was sooo embarrassed, but she did her little speech, and managed to wrangle another $60 in about 15 minutes! I am so proud of myself for raising children who are so aware of needs of others. Samantha is, and always has been 110% into fundraising and events. This year, she is even bringing a friend, who also signed up and is coming out to support Cancer awareness and cure. I feel I have really instilled a strong sense of compassion and ability to help in my girls. I know my mom would be so proud of them. Mom would be proud of all of us and how far we have come, and who we are today.

I was just sitting here thinking about things and again was brought back to the familiar, "why does it happen" question.

I often wonder why I face these sudden set backs whenever it appears that things are going strong and I have all these things to look forward to. In March, when I had the physical set back from the chronic pain, I had a ton of stuff on the go and it just got in the way. Again, with this car accident, the timing couldn't be worse. I truly believe that everything we go through has due course and process, but I often wish I could see through it to figure out why and where it is headed. It never makes sense at the time. But I guess there is something to be said for that moment when you sit back and go... "Oh.. I get it now!"

The biggest thing I am missing right now, is my friends. I know that sounds stupid, but up until this happened, I spoke to my best friends at LEAST once a day! We all joked one day about how if we didn't hear from each other, we would know something was wrong. Ever since the car accident, I have gone days without speaking to anyone. You would think that would be easier for me, since I was quite isolated for a long time in my life, and mostly stuck to my kids and husband, but I guess I got used to having others, really quickly!

It is just that even getting through the daily things is exhausting, let alone trying to find time to talk, and before, it was effortless, I would talk on the cell on my way somewhere or what have you, but since my neck is too sore to hold the phone with, and I am short one arm due to the shoulder pain, I actually have to focus on what I am doing all the time! Ha ha.. Maybe the roads are safer this way!!

Well, I will get through.. I always do. It's just a set back... and one day I will get that "Oh..." moment again.

It has taken me forever and with lots of breaks to get this written, so I am going to end here.

Tonight I have a happy thought to end on.

It is Monday, June 16, 2008 at 11:59pm - Tonight for dinner I had my favorite!! Corn on the Cob is back.. Which means summer is finally coming. I have so much to get better for and look forward to. I have made a personal goal to spend more time outdoors with the kids this summer, even if its just in the back yard, I am headed to Quebec in EXACTLY 1 month, and I think we may even go the island for afew days. I feel eager to really make the most of this summer and try to enjoy my youth and health, my children's youth and excitement and my husbands company. I think I take all of those things way too much for granted these days, and I am looking forward to switching up our daily life a bit and just enjoying the simple things. I am also hopeful to spend some time with great company. I have been so lucky this year in finding people who i love having in my life. People that I can honestly say I can't live without. People who accept me for who I am and enjoy my company without needing anything more from me that what comes naturally.

Another one of those rare times I needed to blog twice.

I have settled down some and am not feeling as wounded right now. I appologized to Chris tonight for enduring my maniac beahaviour the past few days. I have been very, very snappy.

We have been working on a redesign for the website, and I think somehow I got dazzled by sparkles, and set a somewhat complicated and unrealisticgoal, but upon reassesing today, something i have kinda been doing since choosing it, so obviously it wasn't the right choice, I choose a different layout. I feel much more at ease with the new layout and am very excited to see the progression over the next week. I am hoping we can debut it before the end of the month. We have also gone through a rename for various reasons, and I am eager to reintroduce the new face of our initiative.

A girl who had been discussing coming out to join our group for the past several months, had been taking a long time to reply to an email I sent her in April. When I was going through my email inbox and cleaning it up, I was reminded that I had not heard back from her. I sent off a quick one line email, asking her how she was doing, as when we last spoke, she was having some post treatment transition issues, as many of us do in the cancer world.

On Thursday morning, when I answered an unknown incoming call on my cell phone, and the lady on the other end introduced herself as Heather's mom, I immediately knew what was coming. Heather has passed on in April. I had no idea. I was shell shocked. Again, another YA who seemed so strong and as if she was just needing to sail through this transition and she would be right back on top of it. I have not gotten very many details, Heather's mother is trying to cope at the moment the best she can, so I hope to be able to provide more info as time goes on, but I wonder how much this news has played into my anxiety as well. Two beautiful and amazing spirits, both seemed like strong, guiding lights, and both have left us suddenly. I hate this new part of my world, but again remind myself that the good that comes with this all, outweighs the bad... I just wish there didn't have to be a bad. With this, I also find a renewed sense of having to continue on, even stronger with my mission.

The amazing thing that has come of this is Heather's mom wanting to become a part of our organization, and like me, help other who are going through what she is. There are discussions in works for how we will, in the neat fuure, introduce a new component to our organization, and I will announce details when I am able. I am so happy to see the wonderfully strong supporters of Young people, coming out to make a difference. Together, we can all make a huge difference on awareness, education and the quality of life for all current and future patients.

I wanted to come back and close this day on a good note. I know I am late, but I want to say that I am sure Heather will be dearly missed by her friends and family, and my heart goes out to all of them as they work through this grief. I am proud to have Heather's mother come on board in honour of her daughter. Keep on shining Heather, you will be in our thoughts always.

As for me, I am going to try and sleep tonight, and hope to come into tomorrow with a less scattered and self injured perspective.

Good night all

Tonight is another one of those nights where I am just down and out.
I struggle with myself right now as I have worked very hard to make sure I stay as positive as I can be, but there are times when I just can't pull it through. This is a challenge that I will continue to work at and strive for.

I feel like alot around me is kind of crumbling these past few days, and it is sort of like I am watching them happen, but have no control over them as they do, as if certain aspects of my life are pre recorded and I am forced to watch and want to change but have no say in the ultimate ending.

Yesterday I caught myself in the middle of a huge emotional trainwreck as someone I love and respect, both for who they are and what they have done for me,found themselves overly frustrated with me, and called me on it. I think the most frustrating part of it for me, is really the whole root and source of the entire issue was communication. Something I have learned through marital counselling is how difficult it is to take two people from entirely different backgrounds and expect them to connect the same way. Here you get into all sorts of deffinitions, but the end result is a difference in understanding or what have you. In this particular situation, I couldn't understand something, and I got confused. Being who I am, this is a hard thing for me to deal with anyways, Since becoming ill, I have found my memory is shot in many ways, both long term and short, and I am told it is not from the surgery itself, so I have to assume it is medication related. Along with that, something I have always had an issue with, is trying to say something, but saying it so that it implies something else. Usually, I do better with written communications, because I am very good at expressing myself in the written word and can usually think my thoughts through enough to convey them the right way.

Often times I have had to step back from a spoken confrontation, to write the remainder of my issues, just to ensure that I don't put my foot in my mouth. In this situation though, I was told that I was not good at communicating through writting. This hurt pretty bad as it was the one thing I thought I had left. It brought me to a place of reminding myself that I am not who I used to be prior to cancer. Honestly, in this particular situation, I honestly think it was just confusion that became heated, and through that, things got out of hand, I don't think my written communication has degraded, but it was hard to think it. I wish it was easier to have someone understand why I am the way I am and how I got here. How much of yourself do you give before you are not the same person anymore? Honestly, many of the changes I have gone through make me proud. There is so many different ways I could take on and deal with what I have in this life, and I have chosen a road that I think had improved who I am, and changed what I am here for. I wish I was stronger emotionally, but at the same time, it is only because of how I am emotionally, that I have done as much as I have.

As for the car accident, I think my pain has settled to a plateau for the time being. I have to hold my left arm close to my chest or I get chest spasms that make it hard to breathe and severe pain under my left shoulder. I also have pain in the middle upper back, and occassionally under the right shoulder, but the majority is focussed on the right hand side. I feel bruised under my right ribcage and in the kidney area on both sides. But my neck has loosened signifigantly. It is still hard to handle. Also, the nedication makes me VERY sleepy and I feel on the brink of falling asleep most of the time, especially when driving, so I have made trips as short as possible.

ICBC tried to say there was no damage on the car.. which there is. Eventually they owned up to the bumper being out of alignment, but refuse to cover the dents and dings on the bumper, sayinig we had other scratching on the bumper prior, and that if they fix the new stuff, they would have to fix it all and their not going to do that. We asked about having the rebar checked in case there was damage under the bumper, they refused of course.. it's all about keeping the cost down so they can deny us injuries... Unfortunately, I have photos of my bruises and medical documentation of everything, and Chris's previous back issues... Anyways, they were SO abusive to us, it wasn't even funny, and the best part is, if we didn't have a lawyer before they treated us like that, we deffinately would have afterwards.

Anyways, I need to rest now, I am exauhsted, as I usually am at this point of day, but wanted to do a quick check in. I am just down and out right now and am really looking forward to a night with my amazing crew at Relay For Life, for a boost. I feel pretty cruddy that I will not be able to do as much as I had wanted, but am eager to just get together... I feel so closed off from my friends and my life right now. I guess I am just really, really depressed.

Thank you to all of you who have been standing by me through all this and making sure I am ok.. Kristie for driving us to the hospital and checking in all the time, Michelle for being so concerned, Darla for bringin soup and muffins! You're a doll...My husband for tolerating my explosive anger lately and I am soo frustrated with myself and these injuries.

I'll make it... It's just going to be a bumpy ride.

Well, I like to think I have grown to a point where I can honestly say that I own my illness. I feel like I have reached a point where it takes alot to get me down, but in the past 3 days, I have been hard pressed to find the positive in what I am going through.

The most frustrating thing for me is that there is so little damage on the car, I cannot get my mind to understand how it is possible that I am in as rough shape as I am... but somehow, here I am.

At this point, there is little that doesn't hurt. I have a constant headache that sometimes worsens with knife sharp spasms from my neck into the base of my skull. Under each shoulder blade hurts contantly, and again, I have periods of spasming. I cannot reach my left arm above my shoulder or my arm and hand go to sleep. I have a constant dull pain in my middle of my upper back and my neck has next to no mobility. The left hand side of my pevis hurts and has the visible brusing, and just above my left kidney feels bruised.. That paired with my normal chronic flank pain, makes my entire left side unuseable. The top of my right thigh, I have pulled a muscle, obviously from having my foot on the brake, so whenever I switch from gas to brake or if I lift my right leg, it is very painful. Because I am compensating for my left side, my right side has more spasming.

This morning I felt heavy.. My abdomen looked and felt bloated and my hands and feet were swollen, so I weighed myself... Since I have lost all the weight, I weigh myself almost daily.. bad as it is... So I know that I have gained 7.5 pounds since the accident. I am assuming one of the meds I am on is causing retention, because it is all swelling... It still hurts when I pee too...

I know I should not be driving at all but it is such an interesting position to find yourself in.. completely uncapable of managing a damn thing, but having no choice. Today was Katarina's second say of dance pics, and she had to be there. Chris is as bad, if not worse then me, so with Sam trying to back seat shoulder check and gauge distances while I backed up, we got through. But I do not more than I have to because other than being a huge risk.... It is REALLY painful.

I felt completely victimized (something I try not to feel) when I was unable to get Katarina through her hair and outfit changes. Another dance mom had to do it for me, and I stood there feeling helpless and stupid.

I am edgy and irritable, and pretty much want to crawl into a hole. Chris and I fought on and off over the past two days, but honestly, I am surprised how well we are managing with our tempers considering! I just feel fowl overall!

I also hate that I can't do anything I want to! I want to be doing my normal stuff for the organization, but I can't sit at the computer for more than 10 minutes or my headache gets worse and my eyes go blurry.

So there's all my complaining. I am sorry If I have not been as present for some of you as I usually am, but I really am battling myself right now.. Trying to get my upbeat face back on before reentering the world of the living, because right now I am nothing but mad, angry and irritated.

I am hoping right now that I can make huge improvements in the next week and be able to be at Relay 100%. I will go regardless... Wild Horses couldn't keep me away, but I would really love to enjoy it.

I have a follow up Dr. appointment in the morning to check my urine, I am really hoping it is clear, because I am holding my breathe at this point. If there is still blood, there is a good chance I have done something internally, and the fact I am carrying 7.5lbs of fluid right now is only making me more nervous!

Katarina has her xray in the morning to check and see if her neck is ok as the dr thought he felt something not quite right. Trinity has been complaining of an owwy back, so we will be taking her back in as soon as we can as well.

I just don't get it! They say we are only given what it is we can handle in this lifetime and that it is meant to teach us whatever it is we are supposed to learn... Maybe because I am starting to get a handle on my illness it was time for a new test? I'm not sure, but I am starting to think that patience, tolerance and a bulletproof mentality are on my "to learn list"
'
No happy thought today other than the hopes I can sleep a whole night tonight.

This morning we went for a follow up with our family physician.. Well, Chris's physician. I was not able to get in to see mine today, but they are at the same clinic, so it at least get's info in to them.
Also, when I woke up this morning I had a HUGE bruise on my left pelvis... I had been having alot of pain in my pevis area yesterday, so I suppose it shouldn't have been a huge surprise, but I still go back in awe at the lack of physical damage to the car and yet the continuation of physical pains on us.

The Dr. was amazed to see we were not in neck braces with the obvious neck strain we are both having. He checked Chris out first and fully documented everything. Chris was put on an anti inflamatory/muscle relaxant type deal and advised to continue with the increased morphine, and to wear a soft collar whenever possible.

When it came to me, the bruise was discussed.. The scary part for me, is with my tanning, my tummy gets very dark, yet you can still see quite a bruise, it makes me wonder how bad it actually is if it were showing on my normally pale complexion. I had begun having pain while urinating this morning so the Dr checked me out and noted sever tenderness through the lower left abdomen (Not a huge surprise with my chronic pain there anyways) and down into my pelvis and hip bone. I did a urine test, something that was not ordered in ER. I was kind of panicked to find out there is blood in my urine. This is a normal stres target for me as it is typically a sign of my Cancer, or cancer implications. I am trying the keep my head level that I have just been fully scanned in April and so this cannot be related, but like they say, once diagnosed with cancer, it's the first place your head goes when anything goes wrong. The Dr feels it is likely a result in some degree to the impact. I also have a bacterial infection somewhere in my body as well as I showed bacteria in my sample.. I am thinking likely unrelated, but the Dr. Didn't comment on that. I, too was prescribed a collar, the anti inflamatory/muscle relaxers as well as Percoset. Getting percoset at our Clinic is as good as asking for a million dollar check. I have been in severe pain on many occasions and they do NOT condone opiates, so I am rather taken aback by the decision and would like to see the Dr's notes to try and get his written indication as to what he is thinking here. He made us promise to come back Monday regardless of our condition, and told me I am off work at very least until Wednesday, to be reassesed by my own physician on Monday. I feel horrible having only just gone back and am doing everything I can to get back, but have a feeling for once, I can't push my body on this one.

I am having sporadic spasming between my shoulder blades and alternating under each shoulder. If I lift my arm above shoulder height, my hand goes numb, I think I must have something pinched. I am hoping to make enough progress over the weekend to check into some massage therapy when I see the Dr. on Monday. In the meantime, I am having to space my meds according to the kids and where I need to get them. I have no option but to drive and it is a difficult combination of two pairs of eyes and the best shoulder checks we can handle.. I know this is so unsafe, but I love that something like this can happen and leave you completely unable to function, yet you have no choice.

Boo has dance photos all weekend, so will be trying to work through that the best I can.

Trin and Boo go to the Dr. tomorrow as Boo has complained of headaches and neck aches since the accident and Trin keeps saying her chest hurts. which I assume is from the car seat straps.

I will write more when I can. Sitting is very difficult.

Well, so many events and changes and here I haven't blogged forever.

Pub night was amazing! Together we raised over $1500.00. This was an amazing accomplishment for our first ever fundraiser, that was put together in just 3 weeks! Everyone who attended was amazing and the heartfelt words I heard after the event assured me that I am truly doing what I am meant to do. Some of the comments were thank you's for not making it a somber event.. For allowing everyone to come out and just celebrate each of our survivors strength, just by being there. There were no solemn speeches, no regrets or pity. I was happy to hear this as it truly is what I see our organization standing for.. Quality of life and Positive attitude. This is our way of contributing to longevity as I am a strong believer that with personal strength, humour and a true passion to live each day, one can outlive any stats or barriers .We all knew why we were there... Everyone there knew someone or had heard someones personal story, and they were there to support them. There was no need to make it any more than that. A second comment I heard over and over was "WHEN WILL YOU DO THIS AGAIN?!" A huge compliment and pride booster for me as I reveled in how amazingly well the event went off and how many smiling faces there were in attendance. Over 76 people joined us to make the event and amazing and uplifting night. The truth is while I would *LOVE* to do this as often as possible, the behind the scenes labour makes it more difficult to pull off properly on a continuous basis. We will definitely continue to hold our "annual" pub night, every year in May, as this fits perfectly between cancer month in April and Relay for Life in June. I know that next year will be a sell out. I want to thank EVERYONE who attended, donated, supported and made this event an intimate and enjoyable fundraiser that will continue in our future. The Funds raised covered a large part of the remaining balance on the last survivors ticket to Quebec. It paid in full, the expense for the hotel the night before our retreat, which allows us to not have to take the Red Eye flight to arrive in time for the retreat. It Paid in full, the cost of the 6 meals for the three attending survivors travelling together, and also purchased us a Propane Firepit & Propane Tank, that will be used when we attend outdoor community events, to make sure all our survivors are warm, especially on overnight events such as Relay for Life, which we will support annually. The remaining balance will be used to pay the fees to incorporate ourselves as a National Organization, the first step in becoming a Charity, so we can continue to build and disperse the many goals and community initiatives that we intend to provide as a Full Support Unit for Young Canadian Cancer Patients and Survivors. Any small amount left at that point will assist in covering support group snacks and travel costs to events outside the Abbotsford area, to ensure proper exposure to allow for optimal awareness of our society and the services we will in the future, offer. These costs to date have been paid out of my pocket, and when funds run dry, they will continue to be, as I am putting everything I possibly can in to make sure that we get this where it needs to go. This is however where we would graciously accept any donations to help assist us until we are able to secure further funding and announce further fundraisers. The next fundraiser is planned to take place in October, and further details will be posted as they come together.

In the meantime, Retreat is only 40 days away! I can feel the excitement from the other two gals attending and am so stoked myself to go and soak up Any and all learning I can.. The beach should help me absorb it all! :o)

Relay for Life is only 3 short weeks away and plans are coming together nicely. I think our teams has 15 supporters and survivors and we are so excited to get together for 12 hours of supporting the Canadian Cancer Society in promoting research and cures.

I am a little worried about how much I will be able to participate. Last year I walked for approximately 10 of the 12 hours - straight. I intended to do the same thing this year, but this morning changed that.

After dropping off my oldest, We headed to grab a coffee before dropping off my middle. I yielded while waiting to merge into traffic on the highway and was rear ended. The damage to the car was very minimal, so we exchanged info and while shaken up, I felt sure that it was no big deal. Within 10 minutes I experienced pain in my head similar to the pain I had with my brain tumour. It was screaming from the bottom of my skull and followed up my incision line on my cranium. At the same time, Chris mentioned his shoulder blades were sparking off. I noticed my neck start to tense and from there it worsened. We intended to go to the walk in clinic at 10:30 when our Dr. got in, but made it home only to realize how rough shape we were really in. Chris was bad, with his normal back pain now being excruciating, adding to that the new upper back pain and the neck stiffness and headaches. Me with Sparks up my neck, into my head and shortly after, pelvic spasms. Chris had to report the injury to his military unit and they put him on orders to go straight to the ER. My eyes were blurring and I felt week and dizzy. The two youngest girls were in the car with us, boo had seemed fine so we had taken her to school and advised them to call us if she exhibited any symptoms.

I am SOO Privileged to have such amazing friends in my life. With a phone call to Kristie, she was on her way to drive us all to the ER. We decided it was best to get Trinny checked out, just in case. She is too little to really verbalize her self.

When we arrived at the hospital, I was put in a neck brace and put on a flat bed immediately due to the pelvis/neck combo and the fact I had no motion in my neck. Luckily it was a good hospital day and we were in around 11am and out by 2pm. Xrays came back clear, Trinny appeared fine. So we were Dx'd with sever soft tissue injuries and given morphine/percoset and adivan to get through til we can follow up with our own Dr's tomorrow.

I have such a hard time understanding how there could be such little vehicular damage and such sever injuries. We are both hardly able to move. The pain is barely tolerable for me on the percoset and Chris's morphine has been uped and he is still in agony. They say we will be worse tomorrow.. I can't imagine how that is possible, but I am dreading find it to be true.

Luckily for us, Kristie stayed with us through the hospital process and helped out SO much, I don't know what we would have done without her, I really don't. I truly hope she understand what an amazing thing she did for us today. As for afterwards? we managed barely... We recruited alot of help from the girls, and made canned raviolis for dinner. My little bro saved us by picking up the older girls and getting them home.

Trinity has been complaining about pain on her chest all day, I am thinking from the car seat straps, and Boo has had a headache and sore neck on and off, so we will take them both in with us tomorrow to be sure. Thankfully Sam, was not in the car.

I had to call in sick to work, which wrenched my heart as I have only been back for a week after being off from my last bout of health issues. I love my boss and hate putting her in this spot.

I do not know how we will get through both of us with such bad injuries, with the kids. I am really nervous going into the next few days and can only hope we will be lucky and it will pass for us quickly. Katarina has two full days of dance photos on Sat and sun, which means 5 costume/makeup and hair changes. I do not know how I will do this and be able to stand around for the hours of getting through it.

This brings me back to a place of complete helplessness... Something I hate feeling and one of the many reasons why I am such an advocate of providing funds to young families in need with cancer, because this is a minor example of how helpless you can become, granted this is not cancer related, though we are sure it is worsened by it.


There is much more I could share right now, but I am exhausted and medicated and sore, so I need to rest, but I will try my best to get on and fill in the rest of the details of life as soon as I can.

Happy thought for the day - While sitting in emergency, another car accident patient was near the Xrays and I listened to him speak of his broken bones and weakened health. I realized that as much as I am going through right now, If this was going to happen to me, I am thankful it was not as severe as what others have to go through. I am also so fortunate to have friends like Kristie and Michelle who care so much and will give everything of themselves. I hope I can return these favours. I love you guys, thank you for being you!