I watched this motivational speaker once, and while I don't remember alot of what he said, one part has stuck with me for years. He talked extensively on how other people put things on you. I guess it is somewhat similar to the "love bucket" theory... Basically people LOOOOVE to unload their stuff on you don't they? I'm not talking about the invited stuff... Like I reach out in the community, and I fully expect to get a dumpage of how people are feeling, or how they are coping... that the invited loads... I enjoy helping with those issues... What I am reffering to is the people who just give you the unsolicited algae build up... the scum scrappings of life.. Like you have a sign on you head that says "--->DUMP HERE<---". This speaker basically said the next time someone says something to you, that you just can't handle.. some sort of load that you can't handle... Just tell them that you have your own garbage, and they should just bag up their own garbage in their head and deal with it accordingly.... The Dump is that way ---->

Today is one of those days... where I just can't sort through anyone elses crap. Again, I need to stress that this is totally not in relation to my beautiful warriors... I live to be there for them, and I love the service I am able to provide.

I am talking about the people that you encounter daily.. maybe it is a loved one, a friend, and aquaintance, a businessowner, or even someone you don't even know... Who just out of no where decided to make the inevitable, ethereral, "dump" on you.... It's the idiot driver in front of you, who clearly makes the mistakes, but flips you the bird and beaks off like it was you.... The snotty clerk in a store who apparently doesn;t want to be at work today, so therefor, you must be an idiot.... The person who is so unhappy with their failure to launch, that they whine and mope every chance they can. The acquaintance who when asked how they are, projects their huge story of injustice and how much worse their life is than yours, despite your broken body and frazzled brain.

Today I encountered afew of these. I find it more and more common lately, when just going about the daily grind. The first was at a store.. I have recently begun to fit in "normal" sized clothes.. Hugely exciting for someone who has been in plus sizes for almost 9 years. While coming out of a Way-to-trendy-for-me teeny bopper store, I was abruptly stopped in my tracks by a very pretty, wafer thin, young "mommy" pushing her stroller into the store. The door way is quite wide, and there was more than enough room for her to nudge over just slightly to get in.. I was way further out, than she was in. Not only did she refuse to move, or even try and excuse me, but she gave me the disgusted once-over before pushing through me, and into the store.

I get that I am not wafer thin.. and honestly, 90% of what is in that store... doesn't fit me, but they have some really nice, long tanks that I love. So I had gone in to buy some, but for a brief moment, I could almost imagine how it felt to be of a different culture, when it wasn't an exceptable thing to be. I was given the look, like I did not belong there. Now the most frustrating part of this is, I am only 28 years old! So with about 30lbs less on my bones, there is no reason I shouldn't feel at home in this type of store. So perhaps it comes down to my own hesitance or discomfort with the situation, but in the end, the whole thing comes down to... What was so crappy in her life, to make her such a stuck up and impolite person? I mean, surely anyone who is happy with what they have.. Should have no reason to be so sour! In the end, while I am sure it is a reality that at some point and time, we all do that to some extent, but I know for a fact, if I ever do it, it is done either inside my head, or it is spoken well after the person is in ear shot.. So what made this girl, feel the need to project her crud onto me? What is the pleasure in making someone feel so low?

To make matters worse...I had to deal with some fairly frustrating business stuff on the way home. I get in the house, a little out of whack, and check my email, only to receive one of the rudest emails I have ever received from someone. This person owns a business and had done a favour for me, knowing that I am not in a good position these days. I don;t want to get into specifics, but basically, I needed less of something than was offered, so I tried to rearrange the deal to accomodate the two of us. Well what I got in response to a simple request was an email earful of someone else's garbage. I have not conversed with this person to any extent in almost 5 years and there is no reason for them to harbour hard feelings for me... but for whatever reason, they went over the edge. The most frustrating part of this is a) my request was only a request, that could have been politely declined, and b)this person knows intimate weaknesses that I have right now, things that I don't complain about, but opened myself up to her in order to try and make an arrangement to benefit my family and instead of being compassionate as she had been to begin with, she was angry and hostile. I have to wonder what got her to this point, and why on earth she would ever put that load onto a 28 year old chronic cancer patient.

Even in everything I am going through, it is easy for me to put myself in someone else's shoes and I tend to give more slack than I should sometimes, so I cannot imagine someone feeling the need to take out their frustration with whatever is going on in their own life.. on someone else, especially someone who is already weak, and deffinately does not need stress in their life.

Okay, so I got that out. I needed to come and release it here as I found myself being very reactive. I don't like taking my frustration out on my family... So, I tie this garbage bag up and dispose of it myself.

As for the rest....

It is amazingly gorgeous out today!!! I am looking forward to a warm weekend!

Tonight we are breaking the budget and taking the girls to Iron Man. Should be nice to get away for the evening... even to just a movie.

Sam left for Calgary this afternoon, so is at her dads.. First real flight without the "child" status! She is growing so fast! We took her to get her hair done yesterday and she looks so mature with her dark brown with red highlights!!

We are headed out tomorrow night for a dinner with my old friend Alan and his wife Barbara. Alan and I were friends when I was in grade 8! We lost track of each other and reconnected through one of those classmate sites about 5 years ago. We have been in contact with each other much more frequently with the uprise of Facebook, but Alan was one of those people that even though I only knew him for a very short bit, he made a -huge- impression and I am soo honoured to have him as a friend now. I have only met his wife Barbara once, but she seems amazing and the two of them have done so much to help with Quebec fundraising... Too much really! They hold a special place in my heart and it will be nice to have a meal!

Saturday night I work, as with Sunday morning. Sunday night is a relax night for hubby and I. Sam will be home Tuesday afternoon, and sometime next week I need to finalize all the little things for pub night! I am starting to get very anxious about it now, and have actually been having a hard time sleeping... don't ask me how, I am on sedatives and a sleeping pill!! I am too darned exciteable.

Well I suppose that is it for now... I have to head out and get some tickets out...

It is May 15th 2008, 4:24pm

My happy thought for today is I am on a big road of self discovery these past months, every day, more doors open to me, and I am seeing more and more of the independant and strong person I can be. I am happy to raise my daughters in an environment where they are learning to help others and to be independant, unique and brave.