Ahh.. I loved Matchbox 20 back in the day..

Ha ha, sorry I have not written in so long! Things have been absolutely, insanely, crazy, hectic lately! Where to start?!

Well...I haven't been getting alot of sleep lately. Have missed many of my afternoon naps being held hostage by my dear friend Kristie.. Ok, so maybe I was the one holding her hostage, but same thing. We have been knee deep and then some trying to get everything lined up and perfect for pub night, which is TOMORROW! This is explains why I am up at 1am right now as well, and why I haven't fallen asleep before 1am for almost two weeks.

I have quite bad anxiety along with my depression, both thanks to the big C. I am not a believer in anti depressants but there came a point almost 2 years ago when I realized I had to do something because I could not continue living the way I was. I went through a huge series of types, before eventually giving up and trying to do it without for about 6 months. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option either as I grew more and more depressed, isolated, scared and began exhibiting it voiced in anger. I eventually got in to see a Psychiatrist. I was able to figure out that SSRI's and I -DO NOT- work together. The usual course used to deal with anxiety paired with depression is a combination of meds, one of which is almost always an SSRI. So while I have been on an anti depressant that works wonders for me, it doesn't do quite enough for the anxiety. The result is my mind racing when I lay down to sleep. Whenever I have something on the go, this goes into overdrive. I take something in the Valium family to help me fall asleep and to stop the nighttime anxiety, but it often takes as much as an hour to do the trick. So lately I have felt a huge amount of sleep deprivation with everything we have taken on.

This week alone, started on Sunday with the Look Good Feel Great Event, hosted by Shoppers Drug Mart. It was a nice afternoon that brought out almost all of our YACC group. Even people we didn't expect. It was wonderful to see Darla so bright and chipper, and coming out of her shy, cancer shell. She looked amazing after her makeover too, and was even out with her own hair with just a hairpiece rather than a wig. I worried about Christene all afternoon as she was not feeling well and she looked really week. My thoughts have been with her all week. Cassandra brought her beau, sporting her new tres short haircut in prep for her first Chemo treatment, which took place today. She tried on some wigs and asked lots of questions. Her beau Denis seems wonderful, I am well rested knowing she is going to have a great support team.
Kristie, Michelle and I just had a ball as usual. We were definitely the rowdiest table there! And Kristie won the grand prize! A 2 night stay in an $800 a night cabin. She really deserves it after her recent 3rd bout with her nasty C. It really was a beautiful day. We left the event and Kristie, Michelle and I headed to see Feather in the hospital. She came home later that night and It is so nice to see her so level again. It really did her alot of good.
Monday brought the start of the week, as usual.. the daily grind. Tuesday was just full with domestic chores, and Kristie was over in the morning to order our team shirts for Relay for Life. They are great.. they have CANCER SUCKS written on them with a big stuck out tongue. We have all ordered them. We have a nice big team with 14 so far and more joining. All Young Adults with Cancer or their supporters/family. We all get along so well! I guess I skipped over that, Monday night we had our Relay for Life meeting, where most of us got together, met everyone we hadn't before, had some desert and discussed details. I am soo amazed by the strength of the connection between us all. our group is so close, and really there for each other, even the brand new members! It is wonderful.
Today was CHALK FULL! I went tanning this morning, did some shopping with Chris and splurged and bought myself an outfit we really couldn't spare the money for me to buy, but Chris is always so good to me that way and usually figures out some way to make it up in the budget, though things are REALLY tight right now and I am -SO- worried about when we take the 25% pay cut in August. How do you manage with $700 a month taken out of an already TIGHT budget? Anyways...
After that we headed home and Chris went for a nap. I got some stuff done for the pub night and then Kristie picked me up and took me into Chilliwack so we could get the last of the donations picked up. We stopped on the way home and bought a cash box for the group as it is something we will need frequently.
When I got home it was a quick dinner, then Sam had a Band concert for the grade 5 students orientation at her school, boo had dance. Came home, kids to bed, started on more pub night stuff.... and here we are at 1:45am!
I mentioned Cassandra had her first Chemo today, she reports it went well and I am hoping it will for her... Michelle took her out a care kit with some little gifts in it to ease the chemo boredom/nausea etc... and gave it on behalf of the group. See what I mean about the closeness in the group?! Cassandra has only been to one meeting, and then the Relay meeting, but there is this instant connection within the members.. it is really amazing.
That being said, on Sunday night we lost one of the girls who had attended a meeting and had been in constant email contact. Janelle Hughes, died from post Breast Cancer complications at only 26 years old. It was a hard hit and something I am not prepared to get used to.... so all my friends better plan on having long lives!
So tomorrow is the much anticipated pub night. I am hoping it goes well. I didn't presell as many tickets as I would have liked, but I have many people saying they are paying at the door. I really want this to be a success... I have put so much time and energy into it... and I know there is huge potential. I guarantee after tomorrow night that next year will be a sell out. We have really rounded up alot of great items.

A - HUGE- thank you goes out to everyone who donate.. business and personally.... everyone who helped... all my girls... especially Kristie and Michelle... I couldn't have pulled it off without you two... and all my supportive friends... The scary part is, this is just the beginning... We have a very large, very bright future.

Which brings me to my big announcement.

This afternoon I was contacted by the Pro Bono Lawyer's that I had applied for. We have been matched with a lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay I know.. I have to explain this one. Basically in order to get through the process of becoming a non profit organization and then a charity.. I need help to decipher all the mumbo jumbo red tape. Hence the lawyer... Which means things are going to kick into high gear VERY VERY fast now! I am *SO* excited. I cannot believe how fast all of this has come together and how close I am to making my dream of making life easier for Young Adults with cancer, come true!

So That is what the rest of the week holds. Friday we are headed out to do some info and awareness of ourselves at the Relay for Life in Chilliwack tent, and we should hear from the lawyer then too....

So.... That will decide the next little while for us as well... I am so eager to start this new chapter!

I think I have given you enough to read for tonight.

It is 2:01am on Thursday, May 29th, 2008 - The day of our FIRST ANNUAL YACC PUB NIGHT!

My happy thought for the night is:
I have always heard that if you dream big and reach for the stars, you can make anything happen. It takes more than dreams.. it takes alot of perseverance and luck too... but I have realized I am in control of my destiny and where I choose to go in this life. I may have no control over my health, or how long I am here, but I have EVERY say in how I spend it and on what terms I leave on... That is a very empowering position to be in.

Good night.

I just wanted to let you know, I have heard recently that more of you are reading this... I just wanted to invite you to feel free to comment or debate as you feel inclined to. I am happy to open my blogging to discussion!

Have a Happy day!
Julie

I watched this motivational speaker once, and while I don't remember alot of what he said, one part has stuck with me for years. He talked extensively on how other people put things on you. I guess it is somewhat similar to the "love bucket" theory... Basically people LOOOOVE to unload their stuff on you don't they? I'm not talking about the invited stuff... Like I reach out in the community, and I fully expect to get a dumpage of how people are feeling, or how they are coping... that the invited loads... I enjoy helping with those issues... What I am reffering to is the people who just give you the unsolicited algae build up... the scum scrappings of life.. Like you have a sign on you head that says "--->DUMP HERE<---". This speaker basically said the next time someone says something to you, that you just can't handle.. some sort of load that you can't handle... Just tell them that you have your own garbage, and they should just bag up their own garbage in their head and deal with it accordingly.... The Dump is that way ---->

Today is one of those days... where I just can't sort through anyone elses crap. Again, I need to stress that this is totally not in relation to my beautiful warriors... I live to be there for them, and I love the service I am able to provide.

I am talking about the people that you encounter daily.. maybe it is a loved one, a friend, and aquaintance, a businessowner, or even someone you don't even know... Who just out of no where decided to make the inevitable, ethereral, "dump" on you.... It's the idiot driver in front of you, who clearly makes the mistakes, but flips you the bird and beaks off like it was you.... The snotty clerk in a store who apparently doesn;t want to be at work today, so therefor, you must be an idiot.... The person who is so unhappy with their failure to launch, that they whine and mope every chance they can. The acquaintance who when asked how they are, projects their huge story of injustice and how much worse their life is than yours, despite your broken body and frazzled brain.

Today I encountered afew of these. I find it more and more common lately, when just going about the daily grind. The first was at a store.. I have recently begun to fit in "normal" sized clothes.. Hugely exciting for someone who has been in plus sizes for almost 9 years. While coming out of a Way-to-trendy-for-me teeny bopper store, I was abruptly stopped in my tracks by a very pretty, wafer thin, young "mommy" pushing her stroller into the store. The door way is quite wide, and there was more than enough room for her to nudge over just slightly to get in.. I was way further out, than she was in. Not only did she refuse to move, or even try and excuse me, but she gave me the disgusted once-over before pushing through me, and into the store.

I get that I am not wafer thin.. and honestly, 90% of what is in that store... doesn't fit me, but they have some really nice, long tanks that I love. So I had gone in to buy some, but for a brief moment, I could almost imagine how it felt to be of a different culture, when it wasn't an exceptable thing to be. I was given the look, like I did not belong there. Now the most frustrating part of this is, I am only 28 years old! So with about 30lbs less on my bones, there is no reason I shouldn't feel at home in this type of store. So perhaps it comes down to my own hesitance or discomfort with the situation, but in the end, the whole thing comes down to... What was so crappy in her life, to make her such a stuck up and impolite person? I mean, surely anyone who is happy with what they have.. Should have no reason to be so sour! In the end, while I am sure it is a reality that at some point and time, we all do that to some extent, but I know for a fact, if I ever do it, it is done either inside my head, or it is spoken well after the person is in ear shot.. So what made this girl, feel the need to project her crud onto me? What is the pleasure in making someone feel so low?

To make matters worse...I had to deal with some fairly frustrating business stuff on the way home. I get in the house, a little out of whack, and check my email, only to receive one of the rudest emails I have ever received from someone. This person owns a business and had done a favour for me, knowing that I am not in a good position these days. I don;t want to get into specifics, but basically, I needed less of something than was offered, so I tried to rearrange the deal to accomodate the two of us. Well what I got in response to a simple request was an email earful of someone else's garbage. I have not conversed with this person to any extent in almost 5 years and there is no reason for them to harbour hard feelings for me... but for whatever reason, they went over the edge. The most frustrating part of this is a) my request was only a request, that could have been politely declined, and b)this person knows intimate weaknesses that I have right now, things that I don't complain about, but opened myself up to her in order to try and make an arrangement to benefit my family and instead of being compassionate as she had been to begin with, she was angry and hostile. I have to wonder what got her to this point, and why on earth she would ever put that load onto a 28 year old chronic cancer patient.

Even in everything I am going through, it is easy for me to put myself in someone else's shoes and I tend to give more slack than I should sometimes, so I cannot imagine someone feeling the need to take out their frustration with whatever is going on in their own life.. on someone else, especially someone who is already weak, and deffinately does not need stress in their life.

Okay, so I got that out. I needed to come and release it here as I found myself being very reactive. I don't like taking my frustration out on my family... So, I tie this garbage bag up and dispose of it myself.

As for the rest....

It is amazingly gorgeous out today!!! I am looking forward to a warm weekend!

Tonight we are breaking the budget and taking the girls to Iron Man. Should be nice to get away for the evening... even to just a movie.

Sam left for Calgary this afternoon, so is at her dads.. First real flight without the "child" status! She is growing so fast! We took her to get her hair done yesterday and she looks so mature with her dark brown with red highlights!!

We are headed out tomorrow night for a dinner with my old friend Alan and his wife Barbara. Alan and I were friends when I was in grade 8! We lost track of each other and reconnected through one of those classmate sites about 5 years ago. We have been in contact with each other much more frequently with the uprise of Facebook, but Alan was one of those people that even though I only knew him for a very short bit, he made a -huge- impression and I am soo honoured to have him as a friend now. I have only met his wife Barbara once, but she seems amazing and the two of them have done so much to help with Quebec fundraising... Too much really! They hold a special place in my heart and it will be nice to have a meal!

Saturday night I work, as with Sunday morning. Sunday night is a relax night for hubby and I. Sam will be home Tuesday afternoon, and sometime next week I need to finalize all the little things for pub night! I am starting to get very anxious about it now, and have actually been having a hard time sleeping... don't ask me how, I am on sedatives and a sleeping pill!! I am too darned exciteable.

Well I suppose that is it for now... I have to head out and get some tickets out...

It is May 15th 2008, 4:24pm

My happy thought for today is I am on a big road of self discovery these past months, every day, more doors open to me, and I am seeing more and more of the independant and strong person I can be. I am happy to raise my daughters in an environment where they are learning to help others and to be independant, unique and brave.

Yesterday was hard... Very, very hard. We had a beautiful morning buffet as we always do on mother's day. This time we went to Mission Springs pub and I really enjoyed it. On the drive home, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was my 3rd mothers day without mom and wow, was I feeling it. I almost went into a state of trance where all I could feel was her absense. I went to that familiar place of self pity where I wondered how long until my girls have the same feelings. How long before It is me missing from the picture. It was the first time in a long time, that I went back to that place where I realized I have chronic cancer. I am stable right now, but lets face it, the picture isn't getting any brighter for me. I don't visit this place often, partially because I don't allow myself to, and partially because other's don't either.

I know for a fact that is natural to mourn my own health as much as to mourn my mom. I have spoken to numerous other cancer survivors and many of them go through it, even years after proclaimed "cured". This is something I have never been given permission to feel. There are very influential people in my life who insist this is nothing more than unjustified pity. Chris has been very good with it, and over time has learned the signs on most occasions, and there are times, like yesterday, where he finds me crying and knows that this is a time, not to harass me about what's wrong.

It is a funny thing to hide from your emotions on a daily basis. Obviously, I will not allow myself to fall victim to constant self pity, but it has been 2 years and 5 months since I was diagnosed with VHL. 18 months since I have had cancer, and the way I have dealt with it, from day one, is to keep busy. I never stop. Anyone who would step into my life and watch it, even for a day, would be exauhsted! My (step)Dad often says in awe, that he doesn't know how I do it. The truth is, I have no choice. There have been afew times that I have slowed down over the course of time and it has just about killed me, I swear. I lose it! When I let it all catch up with me, the weight is too much, it crushes my chest, squeezes my brain and collapses my legs. But it does happen. Yesterday was only a partial version of that game of cat and mouse, but it was enough to leave me with huge aftershocks... even today.

I am a very tight wound person... Even when I am at ease, I am fairly wound up, but when I am stressed or hurting, It goes on overdrive. I talk really fast, I am anxious and nervous and on edge. I have pani attacks and I can't sleep. This takes a huge toll on me and my immune goes down even more. So today has been spent trying to unwind myself, but I haven't done a very good job. I think I hurt someone that I care about, not intentionally, but just from not being good with my wording and from being jumpy. I hope this is not the case and I am just being oversensitive, but, until I am sure, I will not be able to rest.

So I am working through all that right now...

To make matters worse, I got a haircut today, and I really don't know why I ever do... because it is always a bad job. I asked for 1/2 inch and I am down 5-6 inches. I am sure I will be over it in afew days, but I am not so happy about it right now.

I have also been dealing with some things lately in regards to dishonest and emotionally draining people. It's funny, at one point during my therapy, I was discussing a certain person in my life and how draining I found them. It was explained to me in a rather unique way.

We are all born with "love buckets", when we are born, they are full and abundent and overflowing with all the love. As we grow, we take hits to our love bucket, through various means. Maybe someone insults you, or abuses you, hurts you in some manor and causes you emotional harm. That is a hit to your love bucket and it leaves holes, of various sizes, those hole leak. So as much love as comes in, you are losing love through those seeping holes. Every once in a while, we have someone in our life who makes a hole and then attatches a straw, and sucks the love out of our bucket at a faster rate.

I think that likely, because I have put myself out there to help people and provide a service, that I will likely come across these type of people more often now. This will be difficult for me, and is likely one of my challenges in this life to be able to control, because I am very nieave and generous. I need to be able to monitor the people I allow to have an affect on my life, to make sure that no one "takes" more than I can give. Sometimes, actually usually, I have found that the person doesn't even realize they are doing it. I currently have acouple of these in my life. One of whom does not realize how their actions affect other people, and one who obviously has no idea that I am aware of the emotional abuse happening behind the scenes. I have to be able to seperate myself from these things, but as usual, end up going back for more. Blah!!

I totally need a night of nothingness....*sigh* Or a night away or something... I just need a night away fromk kids and problems and people.

My vuknerability has made Chris and I stronger the past few days though as I have been more needy and more able to connect with him. It is nice to not fight for afew days.

I need to find an outlet, some other way to progress the group, or something, to get myself out of this rut. Anyone have any problems they need fixing?! ha!

Oh, We finally had the exterminator in, probably a good thing, as humane as I am... They were
into our food and there were droppings everywhere! So he set some bait traps and some glue traps... We will see how that goes... I am not looking forward to having to empty anything... I love little creatures... and I hate to hurt them.

Anyways, I am obviously off kilter tonight, so I am going to go, as I am not a huge fan of whiny blogging or being pessimistic... but for now, I am going to let this be, without a happy thought.. as horrible as that is for me, because I just can't get there right now.

So, things continue to move along smoothly. The fundraiser is well underway. Kristie and I were out again wednesday, but mostly promoting. Dropped off afew more donation requests, but were mostly talking to people and dropping off posters.
The posters are BEAUTIFUL. We so lucked out with our amazing graphic designer. We will just be dropping a poster everwhere we go for the next couple of weeks. We have so many nice doorprizes and Silent auction items. I actually am rested up enough now to say that I am starting to get excited.
Yesterday was rough for me. We took the kids to school and I was literally falling asleep at the wheel. My sinuses were burning and I felt like the life was sucked out of me. I managed to make it home and literally collapsed on the couce. I slept until lunch time, and watched an episode of Jericho (We have been on a marathon.. good show!) before heading to bed to sleep again until it was time to pick up kids. I was then falling asleep on the couch again by about 11. Obviously my body was giving me a huge "YOU'RE OVER DOING IT DUMMY" shout out! I feel 100% better today, but my sinuses are still icky and I have this pulled muscle that sorta goes from my groin right around and up into my back... It is very weird and very uncomfortable.
Tickets have started going out for pub night, and I am begining to feel less stress about making our quote... We have to have 50 there for the pub to host us. I had hoped all along for a full house, but I will deffinately stress until those 50 are sold. I have at least 100 RSVP's but I never take anything for granted until all those people have tickets in hands. I know I have amazing support though, and I am so eager to spend the evening with such amazing people for a cause that truely is, my baby.
I have so many goals and with my typical impatience, want them all now, but I am moving towards there faster than I could have ever imagined. I have really been focussing on establishing our image. With Carmen's help, we are making leaps and bounds. Once the website is done, we are basically there. Yesterday I received an email from a company who will sponsor a large print run of business cards for us, which is wonderful, as after all the canvassing, I am running low already. Michelle has suggested we have some of those car magents done up and have some mebers have them on their cars, to help raise awareness. I am looking into that and I need to get together out letterhead and hopefully a rubber stamp in the near future. Carmen has sent me the logo to work with now, so if Photoshop ever finishes installing on my computer, I can get going on some of that!
On Wednedsay morning, while out canvassing for door prizes and such, I conversed extensively with one of the managers, a great ladie named Eleanore. Not more than an hour after I left her, she called me. She asked if I would consider speaking at one of their meetings for businesses in the area. I told her that we were actually currently working on bringing in an education program and would love to. So we have officially booked our first Education and Awareness presentation for Young Adults Conquering Cancer. What an exciting milestone!!! I also found the irony in the fact that the lady I spoke to was Eleanore, and that was My grandma's(who passed of my illness) name, and also my middle daughter Katarina's (In honor of grandma)middle name. This is only one of the crazy 'signs' I feel I have received through this journey. We will be speaking in later July, after the Quebec retreat.
So I head back to blockbuster to work next Saturday. Hopefully my health will allow me to get back to my miniscule 10 hours a week, and help contribute to my families bills. Now more than ever, every penny counts as we inch closer to the July mark where we will be done quite alot of money per month.
Bailey's vet did not send in the paperwork last week unfortunately, so we should know by early next week about the pre approval on her head surgery and then be able to get a date for surgery.
Katarina competes this saturday at the Footloose Dance competition. We have mother's day booked at the Mission Spring's pub, hopefully that is nice. It is a bit different that our normal places. After brunch, Sam is heading out for the afternoon with Dave's dad. I recently made contact with him, as I am very big on promoting family relationships whenever I can, and since we only live 45 minutes apart, I didn't see why Sam should not be seeing more of him. Our timing may not have been stellar, as his wife, Caroline, has MS and has recently been put into a home for care. He has alot on his hands right now, and I truely feel for him. I watched my dad (Bruce) fade as my mother deteriorated, and I know it is not an easy process. Hopefully Sam can use her never ending charm to brighten the day. Let hope she is one of her -less- hormonal days on Sunday!

It is May 9, 10:47am my happy thought for today is:
I am feeling happy, centered and positive. I continue to make strides towards where I see myself ending up, and look forward to being everything I can be to everyone around me.

Wow.... it's been so crazy lately. I don't know where to start.

I think tonight i sorta burnt out of wick! I think I took on too much at once, and too soon after recovering from my Pain episode. I felt good and strong once I recovered, so I jumped in.. Ack.. what am I talking about... I never got out. Even while I was sick I was zapping emails here, there, and everywhere.

Anyways, tonight's meeting.. I get there at 6:30 and have three people waiting for me! Highly unusual.. but then so was the rest of the night!!! :o) I felt quite a confused and nervous feeling tonight when I began meeting. Typically everything flows really smoothly, and I don't think twice about it. It is typically really natural. Tonight I didn't know where to start or how to begin. I think the fact that I didn't have my usual 30 minutes to get into gear, like usual, may have thrown me from the beginning. Typically, when I arrive, I turn on the relaxation music, and settup up, taking my time. It was a little different with so many people there so early. From there, I wanted to wait a bit to start as I had been told that Devon (The new male member) would be out tonight, so I wanted to make sure we saved retreat conversation for when he arrived. So that threw me off too. As it turned out, he did not show... It is unfortunate, but I guess he wasn't ready. We hope he will come out soon, when he can find the strength to give it a try!

So things started bumpy, with my unorganized thoughts and way too much on my mind. When I should have led conversation, to allow everyone a chance to speak equally, I found myself sitting back, reeling, watching everyone hold a bunch of different conversations. I attempted to salvage it at one point, but between my cluttered brain and the fact that everyone seemed to connect on their own level, I let it go for tonight.

It wasn't a huge deal, and if it was all usual members, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about having a different format for tonight, but the fact that we had three new people who are at critical points in their journey, I felt like there should have been more focus on what they needed. It really was an unusual night, but as with everything, I learned from it. I think I need to make sure, especially when there is alot going on like right now, to bring along an outline, and really watch my timing and such. I hope that we will see everyone back again in June, when things will be *MUCH* more settled. Fundraiser will be over, and Relay for Life will have it's own night for discussion.

I knew when I got home that it was me burning out that sent the meeting into misdirection. It was awesome though, for a moment I could sit there, looking at these 8 amazing women, all at different junctions in their journey with cancer, sitting and discussing with others in the same boat, and realize.. that I made all this happen. We now have members from Mission, Abbotsford, Langley, Surrey and even Port Coquitlam. -Wow- Look what's coming together?!?!

Our Graphic Designer Carmen, was going to come out tonight too.. Probably good that she didn't with me being off my game, but her poor little girl sprained her ankle. I got the final draft of the event poster and will hopefully be getting those out on Wednesday when Kristie and I head out for our final fay of donation canvassing for prizes etc. Carmen's way of making it up to me, hopefully not because I guilted her too bad.... was to work on our website all night. I am sooo psyched to see the results.. It will be the final touch to an amazing month for Young Adults Conquering Cancer.. to finally have our real, shiny website. Carmen is so amazing.. I know I have said it a million times, but it is so true.

I've always known I have guardian angels, but lately I feel like I have been sent some earth bound angels. Carmen, Kristie and Michelle.... I love you guys.. thank you for empowering me. I wonder if you have any idea how you have contributed. The most insane part for me, is how you can know someone for such a short period of time, and yet they have such a profound effect on who you are.

I have a briefcase.. Dad pulled through for me. My next challenge is a Laptop. If anyone is aware of anyone with an old laptop they are no longer using who would like to donate in exchange for credit as a group sponsor, and possibly a tax receipt when we become a charity, please let me know.

Phone Conference went *Really well* on Friday. I can't really comment on it all too much right now, but I am soo glad that it happened!


Chris started out having an upset stomach last night, this morning it was a full blown cold and by tonight, it was 102.4 fever! Managed to get his fever down to 101 and with nyquil and advil, got him to sleep. He's on the couch, so that hopefully Trinny doesn't get it. I started taking Cold FX with him yesterday morning, in hopes that I will strengthen my immune and not get this as well. Also hoping the kids don't! Sam is scheduled to go to her dad's on the 15th and I am back to work on the 12th. All we need is a household epidemic! I'll be resorting to some serious positive thinking tonight.

I've finally been able to tan again more often as I am able to get myself in and out of the bed easier now. I am still having spasms, but they are entirely internal now and I feel much stronger. That being said, I feel like my pain is much more sever since losing the weight while I was sick. Chris has suggested that my body might still be adjusting to the massive loss of lbs. I noticed last night that my right breast is signifigantly smaller than my left. Again, I am assuming it is something to do with the weight loss as this has never been an issue before. Of course, with a family background in breast cancer, my mind automatically goes there, but I will watch for a bit. I am sure it is nothing.

I went into a normal store and bought regular sized pants the other day. What a rush! To just pick up a pair of jeans and think.. hmm I like these, try them on, and they fit! I have almost rebuilt my wardrobe now since losing all the weight. My loss as of tonight is now 26lbs. Crazy! Not complaining. I haven't been this skinny in almost 9 years. I have 23lbs til I am satisfied, and 43 til the Dr's are! Ha!

Man, I have had alot of long enteries lately. Luckily... I am pretty sure no one reads... I write like no one is anyways!! Haa haa... Well Chris is snoring on the couch and it's going to be a long day tomorrow without his help.. so I am off!

it is Tuesday, May 06, 12:47am

Today's happy thought is,
YACC Is growing in leaps and bounds. I am thinking that I can easily set a 2 year goal instead of 5. I am anxious to continue participating in community events and raising awareness for Young Adults with Cancer. I am happy in my life and with all I have achieved lately.