It's been awhile again since I wrote.... I have a hard time committing to this type of thing.. Not that I don't have anything to say, but just that I find time slips away and next thing I know... Well.. We all know how that goes right? But I am going to make sure to keep checking in whenever it strikes me, so be patient with me... It may take a while to get something out, but I guess then maybe when it's said, it's worth saying.

I have been going through something rather strange lately. I am not sure if it is a normal part of the post treatment sort of deal, or if this is just a new stage in my life. It seems that just when I think I have grown up, I will go through something else and realize that in perspective, it is yet another piece of maturing.

This new stage seems to be a cross of tooting my own horn and maybe filling a missing void from the loss of mom... I am not totally sure what it is, but it has been very odd. I guess I am jumping to the end of something I haven't even started... so perhaps I need to update first and eventually I will talk it all out in the wash!

Not too sure how much I have posted about the Quebec trip... There is a Retreat being put on in Quebec for Young Adults with Cancer. I decided months ago that I wanted.. no needed.. to go.

I run a small support group for young adults aged 18-40 who are in any stage of their cancer. I decided to do this back in October of 07 as I found there was really very few resources and I thought I could fill an essential need. I have found through building the group, that it fills a need for me too, and I think I have grown alot, learned and been able to get myself through some major hurdles in my life, just through bringing this group to life. It's not where I want it to be yet, but it is getting there. It has been baby steps since our first meeting in December, and I have every faith that it is really going to blow up down the line... I am so happy to be such a huge part of something so amazing.

I decided to mention the retreat to my group, and some other members decided they wanted to attend as well. I decided that I would do, whatever it took, to fund as much as I possibly could, for everyone to go. Most expenses are covered as it is a free retreat to attend and they provide a partial travel bursary, but in order to not red eye, we would have to arrive a day early, which brought fourth new expenses. I truley wanted to be a part of helping others get there, as well as myself.

My original intention was even if it took selling chocolate bars outside of Walmart, I would... One of the group members, who is known community wide as a respected breast cancer spokesperson, had decided she wanted to come as well. She had a fundraiser coming up and wanted the proceeds to help her and other members of our group (YACC-Young Adults Conquering Cancer) attend the retreat. Some of her friends had put together a benefit concert on her behalf. It was a beautiful night and the talent was AMAZING! I met some wonderful new people, including a lady who brought us one of our brand new group members, who has quickly become a good friend already! I also met Lisa Adrianne, an amazingly talented young lady, who lost her own mom 2 years ago to cancer. She writes music about this, as well as her depression, and I cried through her whole set. I bought the CD, and I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. Feather's husband played songs that were all too easy to relate to my own journey, and her brother wrote a song for her that also made me cry. There was even a top 40 artist named Marika, who was fantastic. Unfortunately, the turn out was less than desireable. Man did people not know what they were missing! I left feeling strangley upbeat, in a great mood (Despite incredible pain that I will get to later) and with a really determined mind set. I was concerned the evening had not brought in enough funds, so I was eager to find something that would, and fast.
I began brainstorming and remembered a pub fundraiser I had been to years ago, I called the pub, made the arrangements and set the date. I was shaking like a leaf, because I have never tried to pull something this large off by myself, but I know I can do it, it just took the commitment. I have been amazed so far at how much the people around me, even people that I didn't know cared, and people who I had forgotten do, have really banded together and I am really expecting great results!

As it turned out, the Benefit concert, on extra donations, the partial proceeds from Chris Janz Cd's that were donated and the admissions, raised a decent amount, it was a huge surprise and took some of the stress off, but I am adamant to ensure that Pub Night, May 29th, is a huge success.

So that covers some of that.... Boy this is going to be a novel tonight!! :o)

I need to jump back again to March 23rd. I started to have this pain in my lower abdomen that I cannot even explain, it was like stabbing knives and cramping throughout the lower abdomen and up into my incision site. The pain got worse and worse. It started at about 1pm and by 4pm I was at the Hospital. I sat in pain, tears rolling down my face for 5.5 hours and never made it into the emerg. I atched people who came in before me, and after me, walk in and out, having been treated, and all I saw, was a urine test and bloodwork... in the waiting room. I couldn't handle anymore, and I walked out. I went to the clinic the next morning, still worse yet, the dr. sent me home with 232's,a bunch of anti inflammatories, muscle relaxents, and a call into my urologist, but no answers. The pain continued and the next day I was admitted to emerg. I was much better while on the IV Demerol and fluids, but by this point I hadn't eaten or drank in 3 days... to make a long story short, I eventually ended up at my urologists office who,after ruling everything out, decided it was a form of chronic pain, in which the pain receptors flare up again around the incision site. I was given percoset(lots) and sent home. I spent about a week in a wheelchair, and about 3 weeks on the couch. I didn't eat or drink for most of that, and lost 20lbs. At this point I am almost 90% better... my appetite is still lame, I am still dehydrated most days... and I still get disabling cramping at times. I am still off work as I am not "stable".

There honestly, was about 3 times through the process and pain that I honestly... without a word of a lie, thought I was dying. It was the scariest feeling in the world.

On the upside, the weight is still off, I had to buy acouple things in smaller sizes as my clothes were falling off me. It felt good to shop in a real person store again instead of plus size, and I really notice a huge difference in my face and body shape. It is amazing how much of a lift 20lbs can be!! If this stays off... which I really hope, then I will only have 30lbs left to lose, which seems so much more attainable.

I have made connections with some amazing people lately... this brings me to where I started this entry. Recently I was speaking to another young survivor... She is a strong and upbeat young lady, who I envy for her strength and ability. I mentioned her a bit earlier when I spoke of our newest group member. I was talking to her online and we were giggling about whatever the topic of the moment was, and she said "Well, without drama, life would be boring" and I replied, "Ya, well if I didn't have cancer I'd be pretty boring.. I'd probably have to start a german shepher dog club or something to stay busy". It was said as a joke... it was meant as a joke, but then shortly after, I was talking to my oldest daughter Sam... the same thought crossed my mind.

At this moment... right now.. in my life. Let's take cancer out. What am I? Who am I? What do I stand for and who do I matter to?

The reason this was so essential for me to isolate is this... When my mom died, before I new I was ill... I was working part time in management, I was going to school full time. I had two beautiful, healthy young daughters, a wonderful husband working an OK job, biding time until he joined the military to begin his career. I had a cute and cuddly dog. I had family.
But when mom died. I remember thinking to myself... If I died, right now... who would care? Would anybody be at my funeral other than those who felt they were obliged to and my husband and children? Like the title of one of my favorite books by Robin Sharma... "Who would cry when I die?" and right at that moment? No one. Honestly... Laugh all you want... think I', on a pity trip.. but once mom passed, other than my husband and children and immediate family, I was no one to anyone...

So one could say that sure, had I not gotten ill, I would have gradded art college, maybe gotten a designer job, maybe not, since I had Trin... I don't know, maybe life turned out entirely different and I ended up in a similar position without the morbidity... but I can honestly say that right now, in this moment.... If I died? People would cry... There would be people who would have nice things to say about me, and there would be people at my funeral. My husband would have entirely different attrivutes to share with my daughters as they grew, than he would have before, and right now? I stand for something. I do something that matters.

I know that may sound sooo self absorbed, but it was a strange place to come to. It is that brief moment, when you are able to look back and say.."WAIT! That's the why!" That's why I had to do that or learn that or be there or lose that.... This is my why right now.

I have a very clear vision in my head as to where I am headed right now. I don't know when I am going to be healthy enough to go back to school, or start a career, and don't get me wrong, the minute I can, I will... I crave nothing more than "Normalcy".. a double income... my own home, and room for the kids to grow. But I have no control over that right now... What I do have control over, is what I do with the time I have between now and then. Today a strange thought struck me... I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
There are some very essential key people in my life this past month, and I just want to say thank you.. You know who you are because I have thanked you endlessley, but know that to me, you are angels with hidden wings.

It's April 26th, My daughters 12th birthday(25th). How am I so lucky to have three beautiful girls? Tonight I watched my little girl become a little lady, I realized that I haven't been a great mom... especially to Sam, with everything I went through in her early years, but I have done something right, because she is growing into a pretty amazing kid. I see so many of mom's attributes in her, and since mom hasn't been around for afew years, I guess I must be doing an ok job passing them on.

Enough typing and tears for one night... it's 1:30am and I am not going to sign off with a happy thought, because this whole entry -was- my happy thought. Good night all.

PS- For those tracking nipples... I caught her in Sam's room last week, all curled up in Sam's hoodie, she was easy to pick up and didn't scurry off, so I think she may have grown weak... I took her out into the field and hope she regains her strenth and then bothers someone else! :o) She was a cutie though!!