How did that happen? This year has gone soo fast.

Today I won loser mom of the day award. Katarina was to perform at the MS Walk. Everything went very smooth and we arrived at exactly the time we were supposed to, until she said, "Hey look mom, my tap class is here too!" I quickly noticed a familiar costume... one that I had not brought as I thought she was only performing one routine today. As it turned out, her tap number was performing... in 15 minutes. We live 20 minutes away from the school the event was held at. But, in desperate attempt, I flew, 140k's down the highway, home,grabbed the costume and Chris phoned to say it was too late. I sobbed all the way back to the school. How could I make such a terrible mistake. The truth is, Katarina dances 5 routines a week... but she is weaker in some dances that others, so she is in two different level classes. There is a "Parent in charge" of each age group. The parent in charge of the one number had called me, and I had known about that performance anyways, because it is her competition class, but the tap number, is a younger age group.. and honestly, I didn't even know the name of the routine anyways! So even though I got the list of numbers performing, I didn;t recognize it when I saw it.

This comes from the fact that the new dance school she attends is up a steep incline of stairs and at the top is a very small and very crowded, waiting room... So I do not go up very often. The stairs are hard on me and I can't stand in the warm, crowded, squishy area without getting sore and clusterphobic. I try to keep as updated as I can through email, but this has it's flaws. Katarina, never remembers the names of her routines either, because, well.. she is 7. But all of this is inexcusable to me and I felt so horrible.

I got back to the school in time to appolgize to boo before she went on stage and again, I sobbed. She hugged me and said "it's okay mommy, it's not your fault". This tore me apart even more. Poor little thing..and so forgiving. I felt crappy about it all day.. Which combined with the fact that my whole body feels like I have been hit by a truck from overdoing it this week, made for a very nasty Julie to be around. Chris and I have, again, been at each other's throat.

It's funny that just two days ago, everything felt so clear in my life, and now I am slumped back down into an abyss of fog.

As a side note, one of the ladies in my group, Feather, also runs a blog. It is a high traffic blog and has been the source of some contraversy regarding fundraising and entitlements in regards to those who are suffering illness. I am not into rehashing the whole thing here, but I did write a heated response today, and I wanted to repost it here, because it contains some information that I felt needs to be shared.

I hope you were not taking my reply in a negative context, as if you reread, It was not written as one. Nor was it written in envy or spite.. Am I jealous that someone has a fantastic support unit? Of course... But I would think that I would be the last to show that in a negative manerism!!! As for the annual fundraiser, that is what I do.... I run a group called YACC and am in the process of registering it and hopefully one day getting charity status for exactly what you are speaking of. We are in the middle of a huge effort (Part of whihc Feather already assisted with on April 12th's fundraiser) to raise funds for Young Adults with Cancer to go to Quebec for a an awareness and support retreat/seminar. I am in the process of ensure as much funding to help our local Young adults attend as I possibly can. Shortly thereafter, a fund will be created and a treasurer appointed and we are doing jus that, raising and appointing funds as needed within the Young adult community. Did you know there are only 9 community support units across Canada that are specifically for young adults with cancer, and we are one of them? Did you know the survival rate in Young Adults with Cancer has not risen at all since the early 70's? Awarness around Young people with cancer the affects and everything involved, the issues that are specific to families 18-40 is SO SO SO Lacking..... WHile other surivival rates climb, we stare our fates straight on.... We can sustain someone with cancer, often times, for many years.... so the senior population has a much more optimistic road ahead... but how do you sustain someone for 30, 40 years? My goal is to see my girls grow up.... I would be the first person in my family, with my heriditary cancer, to do that... I think Feather's thoughts are on the same path... I don't think we are greedy to ask that... You know what? I'm not even asking to turn 60! I am quite happy with 54 if I can make it that long... How about Barb, another local lady who has to take oral chemo every day for the rest of her life... projected at 30 years.. maybe? Lucky she has no kids.... HOw about Kristie who has been fighting a rare ovarian cancer that came back before she even had time to remise... How much of her 3year olds life has she lost, is she greedy to want to have acouple years cancer free or to have her family taken care of? A new lady to our group, Christine, who has every disk in her back shattered and is in surgery right now having yet another one replaced with a plastic disk, in a president setting surgery that has grim outlook... Both hips have huge tumours in them and they don't even know what to do about that.... Janelle who is now going into 24/7 hospice at 23 years old because due to her breast cancer, he liver is failing and she can't care for herself... All of us need help.... All of us are proud, including Feather, or guess what? We wouldn;t have survived!!! Because it takes alot of -something- to wake up everyday and deal with what we do.So why is everyone so hostile? How about being thankful for everything you have and as I said before, if you don't want to help out, then don't. But have the grace and the respect to shut up about it, because until you are there, like all these women... you have no idea.I am sorry feather to be so bitter and hijack your blog... You know I love all you girls and you know I am doing everything I can to try and make money a non issue...for whatever the reason.. I will continue to do so.. That is why I feel I am here...Because it is hard enough to ask for help.....


I know some of this will not make sense to some of you, but some of the information needs to be shared. There are alot of Young Adults that are suffering and have no options. I have been, over the past 2 years, one of them.., and it is amazing how often this is overlooked. It is sad that there are no resources available for these people. I don't even know how we have gotten through some of the stuff we have, but I'll tell you one thing, it hasn't been easy. I felt I needed to share that information, and make it well known that this is, eventually my goal with YACC.

I have been buried in pub night the past few days, and am feeling a bit drained. A wonderful printer in Langley donated business cards to us, so I am hoping to pick those up tomorrow, as well as I have a Dr. appointment in the am and am going to register our YACC team for Relay for Life. I think Tuesday will be a down day for me, and then Wednesday I will hit the local merchants for more donations for door prizes and silent auction items. Though I have to say that, I am soo soo grateful for all that has come in through friends, group members, and emails. Thank you for making my job a bit easier.

I couldn't finish the lawn today, I am far too sore. I didn't manage to much actually other than the MS walk performance with Katarina, but then this weekend has been so hectic, maybe that's ok.

Well. That is it for tonight. I need to lay down now.

It is Sunday April 27, 2008 at 10:38pm

My happy thought for tonight is simply that today is over and tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with much less depression... Was that really a happy thought? Oh well.. it'll have to fly!