I actually had time to post not once but twice tonight... This one is just a quick note.

I am so excited to say that we have our first male visitor to YACC. I was contacted by a young man named Devon's, brother tonight. We had a great chat and he will be bringing Devon out on Monday to give group a go. I hope he will find it to be what he needs, and that we can offer him support and encouragement with everything he is going through. It sounds like he really needs that right now. Hopefully us ladies won't scare him off, we can be a rowdy bunch! hee hee!

Went tanning tonight. Am trying to get my color back after being so sick. I did the stand up, which was really dump with my feet hurting the way they do... The things we do for beauty.

My boss emailed back and I will be on the schedule as of May 12th again. Wow. 6 weeks off work. I am actually slightly nervous about returning.

I am still in awe at the generosity we saw today. I continue to feel so great about being able to help out to make this trip a reality for some of our members, even if I am not able to help tons, even giving a little gives me this great sense of accomplishment. Though I find it funny, that after all these years of being very, very, stubborn at accepting assistance myself, I now am now the recipricant of the resistance.

One member in particular, who has a young family, and is unable to work due to treatment, is trying to refuse my help. I am stubborn and I will win in the end... I always do, but it is funny how it can be such a hard thing to swallow your pride and just say accept that there is help there for you. I know it all too well. My mother was the same way... She felt very strongly about accepting any form of "charity" as she would call it. It took a very long time to convince her that by her accepting the help, she was making it easier on everyone. It is something I had to come to terms with too, and can honestly say, I am not that great at it yet either... but hey!! I let Kristie drive us today.. So I guess I'm making progress! Ha ha.

I found an interesting Ezine....

So by not accepting the help that someone is offering we are depriving them of something. We are rebuffing their impulse to be generous, to be giving, and we are making sure that we are not allowing too much of a relationship to grow between us. We are protecting ourselves from the uncomfortable feelings of trust, neediness, being beholden, those feelings that intrinsic to being human but which may have created problems for us when we were younger. If we do accept help and are critical of how that help is given, it further shields us from developing a mutual relationship with the other person.
We are also depriving ourselves of the opportunity to soar when we insist on acting alone. There is a synergy that happens when people work together and come up with a solution that would have been impossible if each had acted alone.

I’m sure there are people in your life that you allow in, that you let help and nurture you. But I bet this only goes so far. I challenge you to just say “Yes, thank you!” the next time someone offers help. Live with the bit of discomfort and see if you can allow a different outcome.

I thought it was an interesting take on this. It was written by Martha Ruske, a marriage and family therapist in California and was actually written about recovering as an alcoholic, but it really does apply.

Our power was down for about 2 hours.. Luckily I was out with Boo, taking her to dance and tanning, so Chris suffered it out at home with the other two girls! It was on when I got home. No idea how it happened. Strange.

Well, I think I have yammered enough, off to bed!

How exauhsted Kristie is!!!! 6 weeks out of treatment and she drove us around Abbotsford, canvassing for door prizes and silent auction items. We went from 10:30 - 2:15, to every merchant we possibly could within that time frame. I think we must have put out 30 requests... at least.

Me on my blistered feet (from the cryotheraphy), and my sore ankle (Cuz Im an idiot and sliced it good shaving.. right where my shoe meets my ankle). Hobbling around. I nap almost every day, and am really feeling not doing so today,my spasms are fairly decent, and I have a really bad head incision ache. Kristie is just amazing... Driving and walking that long and not a single moan or complaint. The strength and courage of some of you ladies amazes me! I am so honored to be surrounded by such wonderful women.

The good news... No.. the *GREAT* news, is the generosity we saw from the vendors today... I cannot begin to explain some of the gracious charity I saw given out today. This whole experience, since day one of forming this group, has opened my eyes, to how truely good and genuine people can be.... So to my husband, who has lost all faith in humanity, there is alot of goodness out there. I am seeing it daily. Hubby doesn't read my blog anyways, but it saddens me that he never gets to see the the beautiful people in the world around us.... Pub night is going to be *AMAZING* I am so so excited now.

We are going to go out for one more afternoon, to gather some more odds and ends, and then we will be well equipped. A huge thank you to Kristie for being such a *HUGE* help, despite the fact that she is not even attending the retreat! Another huge thank you to all the merchants who entertained out requests this afternoon. Just by listening to me, you have allowed me to raise awareness on Young Adults with Cancer. Those of you who have donated have allowed us to ensure that we are able to reach maximum potential with our event, and that, means a whole world to the people going to the retreat!

Ok, so other news on the forefront...

Our website production has been delayed both because our designer has been insanely busy and also because we were stumped on a way to keep the website theme with what the designer had already come up with... which is *GORGEOUS* and still incorporate a -solid- Logo idenitity to be used for promotional purposes etc... Tonight while driving home, the idea for the logo hit me. I called Carmen of Fuel House Designs (GET ALL YOUR WEB WORK DONE THROUGH HER COMPANY SHE ROCKS!!) and told her of my idea and she had been thinking along the same lines!! WOOO HOOO!!! I am pretty sure that we are within a short time of having our final identity nailed down!!!!!!!!!I am so incredibly, super, mega, dee dupper excited!!!!!

May 5th is shaping up to be a pretty amazing meeting!!! We have recruited 3 new members this month! Danielle and Laura are going to make it our from Surrey, Kristie is coming, I believe Feather is trying to make it, and Hopefully Christene will be up to it after her surgery yesterday. (which went really well I hear! Woo hoo!) We have quite afew things on the go for this meeting. We are nailing down details for Pub Night (Tickets can be purchased there as well ladies!!), Planning for Relay for Life, taking a group photo, and we even have a guest!!! Carmen, our deisgner, is coming out to meet us!! It is going to be a great(busy) night!

I have told work that I am ready to go back. I am sorta doing it against medical advice, but the truth is, I feel strong enough. It is not a highly physical job, and I really do enjoy the social aspect. I miss it, and I really miss the extra cash. We get by on Chris's wage, but are able to stock up on things and such with the extra bit... which comes in handy when we are less than 3 months from the 25% wage cut. When the wage cut happens, I really can't afford to go down health wise, as my little income will be a necessary advantage.

I realized this afternoon, that group business has become large enough that I *DESPERATELY* Need some sort of briefcase or attache. If anyone has one their not using, please let me know!! We are building a library of resources and paper work and such, and it would be *really* helpful. My dad says he probably has one, and is supposed to take a look for me, but he tends to fall a bit on the procrastination list, and the sooner the better while trying to get through this fundraiser.

I have a phone conference on Friday with Real Time Cancer President, and I am very eager to snowball some questions at him and get some resources and recommendations on steering YACC where I hope it will eventually end up.

Well, I supposed that is it for the moment.

It's Wednesday, April 30 at 4:02pm - Happy birthday Dad(bruce)
Today's happy thought is - I have a vision, and each day I am getting baby steps closer to where I want to be. That is really exciting!

Man, it feels like I can't catch a break these days. A day to myself, with no obligation and no pain. What that would be like.

Today we headed into Langley first thing to pick up the YACC business cards that were graciously donated by University Graphics. They look fabulous, the only down side was somehow, the design wasn't quite tweeked right so we didn't get a full bleed and we have a white border around them, but even still, they are gorgeous. My designer Carmen, who is so amazing and donates all her time to us out of the goodness of her huge heart, is brilliant. I can't -WAIT- for her to get the new design up on the website... I am so so stoked! She also did the poster and info sheet designs for the Pub Night. She is so talented and so generous. Thank you Carmen!!!

We got back 5 minutes before my Dr.'s appointment. I had to check in for a progress report with my healing. My doctor was an hour and 10 minutes behind schedule... It was a long and difficult wait as both Chris and I were so tired from my anxiety based insomnia and Trinities decision to wake up for a bit in the middle of the night. I finally made it in, and luckily my doc was in a good spirited mood and we were able to have a light hearted and humurous appointment.

The end results were, I still do not have clearance to return to work, as I am still very dehydrated, have little appetite and am having fairly decent spasming on my left flank. While I was down for the three weeks, I noticed these strange little bumps on my feet. The thought of warts had passed my mind but it was very odd as they did not resemble warts, or at least warts I had seen before. After a visit to my dads house on the weekend, my stepmom told me how contagious plantars warts are, and I started to get concerned as what had started as one bump, was now 4, 3 on one foot and 1 on the other. So I had this checked as well. They confused the Dr. too as he agreed they were not typical. He razored the skin off the top and decided there was a chance they were, and we should freeze them. I had not 4, but 6 of these little buggers....

I had a wart once, as a young kid, and I remembered the freezing being no big deal. It was on my toe and I don't honestly remember it being painful at all. Sam had afew warts acouple years ago and had 5 treatments to remove them, and I had told her to suck it up cuz it didn't hurt... She flinched mildly, but was really good about it... Well Sam is the worlds biggest drama queen so I figured if she could hack it, it had to be a breeze.

Let me tell you something... This was -NO- breeze... I struggled through it laughing and cracking jokes, but OH MY GOSH! I haven't been able to walk on my foot pads since. I am praying this one treatment does it because... W.O.W.!

I guess the idea is my immune was soo weak that any cut in my body would have allowed in any host of infections.. Likely why I had the stomach flu last week too. So when the kids were in swimming lessons, I probably had a tiny cut in my foot and the HPV virus went wild!! No one else in the house got one, and I know Sam is supceptible. I think the sort of callouse type padding on top prevented them from spreading to anyone else... but OUCH and EWW!

I then dropped Chris off at home for a nap, and took the dog to the vet. She was due for her 1 year vaccines, check up and she had this odd bump on her head. So $100 later, I left with a quote for an $800 surgery to remove the lump. *Sigh* All I can say is thank god we have vet insurance. We are now reconsidering cutting it off when we take a 25% wage cut in August. I don't know how we will afford to keep it, but I know we can't afford to not!!! This surgery alone pays for all the fees I have paid in so far! Once we get the approval, we will get her in.. Poor pup. She has been extra babied today and for some reason is very, very passive ever since the vet... As if she knows.

So I spent large amounts of time getting all the info needed to pet care to cover the claim... Faxing forms and discussing the arrangements with the vet... I love tedious tasks...

Then off to get the kids. Did a bunch of computer time with regards to the fundraiser and some other YACC business. We made dinner and then started bed time routine. I am absolutely exauhsted. My pain level is quite high tonight. I will be happy if I am able to sleep, as often times when I feel this crappy, tired and painful, I end up not being able to.

Kristie and I spent oodles of time on the phone today... I think if we keep it up, our husband's may ban us from each other! hee hee... I feel like a kid again, spending all this time on the phone! It's been along time since I have had a friendship worth the time. It is nice to have someone I connect with on so many levels, who I can just relax and be myself with.

Kristie is unable to attend Quebec with us this year, but being her typical self, is helping out trememndously with the fundraiser. We are going out together on Wednesday to canvass for door prizes and such. You are such a gift Kristie. Thank you for being you.

Oh yes, I also registered our team for Relay today and am starting to get very excited. It will be so nice to have that whole 12 hours with so many amazing people. We are going to rock it ladies! :o)

Okay, I am tired. I shall try to sleep!

It is Monday, April 28, 10:49pm

My happy thought for today is I feel like I accomplished alot today that I had been procrastinating. I am proud of myself for pulling through without a nap to see through what needed to be done. I am anxious for the days where I have energy again.

So with the capture and release of Nipples, Tonight we were watching an episode of lost and saw a fantastically fast flash of black. After about 20 minutes of playing hide and seek with what we assume is our new mousey friend, stuart, we gave up and turned the show back on. Within moments, he scurried across the floor again.

Who knows where he is now, so thus begins a new mousecapade..... Too bad Chris and I are both way too humane to be inhumane about it. Man living here is such an adventure.. Our closet is falling apart, our paint is chipping and peeling and we have mice. Such fun. :o)

Stay tuned for the adventures of Stuart.

How did that happen? This year has gone soo fast.

Today I won loser mom of the day award. Katarina was to perform at the MS Walk. Everything went very smooth and we arrived at exactly the time we were supposed to, until she said, "Hey look mom, my tap class is here too!" I quickly noticed a familiar costume... one that I had not brought as I thought she was only performing one routine today. As it turned out, her tap number was performing... in 15 minutes. We live 20 minutes away from the school the event was held at. But, in desperate attempt, I flew, 140k's down the highway, home,grabbed the costume and Chris phoned to say it was too late. I sobbed all the way back to the school. How could I make such a terrible mistake. The truth is, Katarina dances 5 routines a week... but she is weaker in some dances that others, so she is in two different level classes. There is a "Parent in charge" of each age group. The parent in charge of the one number had called me, and I had known about that performance anyways, because it is her competition class, but the tap number, is a younger age group.. and honestly, I didn't even know the name of the routine anyways! So even though I got the list of numbers performing, I didn;t recognize it when I saw it.

This comes from the fact that the new dance school she attends is up a steep incline of stairs and at the top is a very small and very crowded, waiting room... So I do not go up very often. The stairs are hard on me and I can't stand in the warm, crowded, squishy area without getting sore and clusterphobic. I try to keep as updated as I can through email, but this has it's flaws. Katarina, never remembers the names of her routines either, because, well.. she is 7. But all of this is inexcusable to me and I felt so horrible.

I got back to the school in time to appolgize to boo before she went on stage and again, I sobbed. She hugged me and said "it's okay mommy, it's not your fault". This tore me apart even more. Poor little thing..and so forgiving. I felt crappy about it all day.. Which combined with the fact that my whole body feels like I have been hit by a truck from overdoing it this week, made for a very nasty Julie to be around. Chris and I have, again, been at each other's throat.

It's funny that just two days ago, everything felt so clear in my life, and now I am slumped back down into an abyss of fog.

As a side note, one of the ladies in my group, Feather, also runs a blog. It is a high traffic blog and has been the source of some contraversy regarding fundraising and entitlements in regards to those who are suffering illness. I am not into rehashing the whole thing here, but I did write a heated response today, and I wanted to repost it here, because it contains some information that I felt needs to be shared.

I hope you were not taking my reply in a negative context, as if you reread, It was not written as one. Nor was it written in envy or spite.. Am I jealous that someone has a fantastic support unit? Of course... But I would think that I would be the last to show that in a negative manerism!!! As for the annual fundraiser, that is what I do.... I run a group called YACC and am in the process of registering it and hopefully one day getting charity status for exactly what you are speaking of. We are in the middle of a huge effort (Part of whihc Feather already assisted with on April 12th's fundraiser) to raise funds for Young Adults with Cancer to go to Quebec for a an awareness and support retreat/seminar. I am in the process of ensure as much funding to help our local Young adults attend as I possibly can. Shortly thereafter, a fund will be created and a treasurer appointed and we are doing jus that, raising and appointing funds as needed within the Young adult community. Did you know there are only 9 community support units across Canada that are specifically for young adults with cancer, and we are one of them? Did you know the survival rate in Young Adults with Cancer has not risen at all since the early 70's? Awarness around Young people with cancer the affects and everything involved, the issues that are specific to families 18-40 is SO SO SO Lacking..... WHile other surivival rates climb, we stare our fates straight on.... We can sustain someone with cancer, often times, for many years.... so the senior population has a much more optimistic road ahead... but how do you sustain someone for 30, 40 years? My goal is to see my girls grow up.... I would be the first person in my family, with my heriditary cancer, to do that... I think Feather's thoughts are on the same path... I don't think we are greedy to ask that... You know what? I'm not even asking to turn 60! I am quite happy with 54 if I can make it that long... How about Barb, another local lady who has to take oral chemo every day for the rest of her life... projected at 30 years.. maybe? Lucky she has no kids.... HOw about Kristie who has been fighting a rare ovarian cancer that came back before she even had time to remise... How much of her 3year olds life has she lost, is she greedy to want to have acouple years cancer free or to have her family taken care of? A new lady to our group, Christine, who has every disk in her back shattered and is in surgery right now having yet another one replaced with a plastic disk, in a president setting surgery that has grim outlook... Both hips have huge tumours in them and they don't even know what to do about that.... Janelle who is now going into 24/7 hospice at 23 years old because due to her breast cancer, he liver is failing and she can't care for herself... All of us need help.... All of us are proud, including Feather, or guess what? We wouldn;t have survived!!! Because it takes alot of -something- to wake up everyday and deal with what we do.So why is everyone so hostile? How about being thankful for everything you have and as I said before, if you don't want to help out, then don't. But have the grace and the respect to shut up about it, because until you are there, like all these women... you have no idea.I am sorry feather to be so bitter and hijack your blog... You know I love all you girls and you know I am doing everything I can to try and make money a non issue...for whatever the reason.. I will continue to do so.. That is why I feel I am here...Because it is hard enough to ask for help.....


I know some of this will not make sense to some of you, but some of the information needs to be shared. There are alot of Young Adults that are suffering and have no options. I have been, over the past 2 years, one of them.., and it is amazing how often this is overlooked. It is sad that there are no resources available for these people. I don't even know how we have gotten through some of the stuff we have, but I'll tell you one thing, it hasn't been easy. I felt I needed to share that information, and make it well known that this is, eventually my goal with YACC.

I have been buried in pub night the past few days, and am feeling a bit drained. A wonderful printer in Langley donated business cards to us, so I am hoping to pick those up tomorrow, as well as I have a Dr. appointment in the am and am going to register our YACC team for Relay for Life. I think Tuesday will be a down day for me, and then Wednesday I will hit the local merchants for more donations for door prizes and silent auction items. Though I have to say that, I am soo soo grateful for all that has come in through friends, group members, and emails. Thank you for making my job a bit easier.

I couldn't finish the lawn today, I am far too sore. I didn't manage to much actually other than the MS walk performance with Katarina, but then this weekend has been so hectic, maybe that's ok.

Well. That is it for tonight. I need to lay down now.

It is Sunday April 27, 2008 at 10:38pm

My happy thought for tonight is simply that today is over and tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with much less depression... Was that really a happy thought? Oh well.. it'll have to fly!

One of the most frustrating aspects of my life, aside from VHL and it's assosciated complications, is the fact that my husband is also chronically not well.

The same time as I was diagnosed with my brain tumour, our young daughter, 5.5 months at the time, was hospitalized with insanely low oxygen. She was in for 4 days. I was suffering headaches worse that anyone other than a post concussion receipient, or a fellow brain tumour survivor, could ever imagine. They would not medicate me, other than T3's, as they did not want me to suffer any further damage or mask any new symptoms that may occur. I had just convinced the neurosurgeon to delay my surgery until after Christmas, as it was Dec.05 and my husband had been away in Quebec, training to be in the military for the past 7 weeks. He was due to be home on Dec.17th and I was not going to spend the 10 days he had off, with my in the hospital. The neurosurgeon was not happy about my choice to delay the surgery, and in the end, I did regret it, but at the time, I saw no other way.

So I was in pediatrics with my small baby, my middle daughter was staying with her grandparents, my oldest was with her dad, my husband was in Quebec, and I was alone, in pain, watching my baby fade in and out and scared as hell about my own diagnosis. Almost as hard as it was for me to tolerate and process all this, was the fact that my husband, was alone, in Quebec, with NO ONE, trying to compute the same info. We had minutes to talk most days, and they were spent full of tears, and my husband pleading me to allow him to quit the military to come home and be with his family. We got through it, somehow.... but not more than a week after all of this first occured, my husband was in a wheelchair.

During training excersizes, he thre a medicine ball, and however it occured, though my opinion is that the stress he was suffering was insurmountable for his body to handle, and he was tense, and he slipped a disk in his back. His journey has been up and down throughout the 2 years, but there has been much more down that up. There have been periods where they thought he was fit and ready to return to training, and then, there are days he can barely walk. At this point, he has been in chronic and agonizing pain for a period of over 9 months, and had been somewhat controlling that with the use of morphine for that extended period of time.

Much as my illness affects every part of me, who I am, and how I relate to my daily life, so does his. As you can imagine, with two people in chronic pain, there are issues that other people do not have to deal with. The various medications we are both on, affect both our moods and our intimate life. Our pain levels at different times can clash and meet at different angles and things can get heated. There are times when we are both down, but the house needs to be cleaned, and the kids need to be fed, bathed etc.. and without once of us (typically Chris as he has much stronger pain tolerance than I do) pulling through our pain, our lives fall apart. We get frustrated with each other and argue when the reality is, it has nothing to do with either one of us, but as a combined issue, the frustration gets the better of us.

I am not an easy person to live with.... I am quick to admit that. My mom spent a good portion of my childhood either woking 3 jobs at once so I rarely saw her, or she was sleeping alot.. either way, I tended to a little more parenting that being a child. Because of this, I grew up with a bit of a spoiled syndrome, more because I was used to doing as I please and running things my own way, as opposed to being financially gifted, though I did have acouple years of that as well when my mom remarried. The end result is, I want what I want, when I want it. I am also very good at bottling my emotions, I am not great at communicating, and end up being explosive over small issues. I am also gifted to have my fathers temper <---- Sarcasm....

Christopher is very stubborn like me, and for whatever reason, we are both highly competitve with each other... Something that has slowed over the years, but is still evident. I always hope it is a maturity thing and will change more over time. We manage to work it out, but often at the expense of each other's feelings.

The conclusion of all of this is, I sometimes feel as if I am just not good enough. I probably carry much of this myself... I am sure it is at least partly a self esteem issue, but I find when We are at odds, that I always feel as if it comes down to me not pulling my weight, or like my illness makes me inferior. I know that from talking to other survivors, that this is a common denominator, but what makes it more frustrating for me, is the fact that Chris is also not well. I think it would be easier for me if he were healthy, because I could lean on him without the guilt.

Tonight is one of those nights that I am frustrated with my inabilities. I had attempted to mow the lawn the other day, after 4.5 hours of the mower stalling due to our thick, damp, moss grass.. I actually ended up in tears... I was so sore I couldn't move and the lawn still was not done.... I knew I shouldn't have done it to begin with, I mean I am not even ready to go back and work, let alone mow the lawn. But Chris absolutely cannot do it, and our neighbors yeards are perfect... I am usually the president setter with keeping the yard tidy here.. and I felt guilty.. So I did it. I am still sore. Tonight I noticed the scale rising again, so I pushed it again and did my 20 minute low impact work out... and now, once again, I feel like I can hardly move... So when Chris asked me to brush Trinitys (my almost 3 year old) teeth, I snapped... Chris had just worked out twice as hard as me, had gotten the other two girls ready for bed, and folded and put away two loads of laundry... and I couldn't even muster the energy to brush her teeth? But I snapped... Because that's what I do... This is the side of me I hate... This is when the cancer talks instead of me.


Okay, I got that out.

Sam's party went well though she is sooo sleep deprived today even after a nap. We had a nice dinner at Dad and Shelleys house in honor of Sam's bday. Came home fairly early to workout, and will be practising the guitar before settling down to watch movies.

Tomorrow Boo (almost 8 year old) performs at the MS walk with her competition number, which means a busy morning getting her done up in costume/makeup. But if the weather is beautiful like today it will be nice to be out, and it's a great cause!

Then it is back to the daily grind. Our business cards should be ready by Monday, so hoping to get out to get those either Monday or Tuesday and then the following day will begin to canvass for door prizes and silent auction items. Thank you so much to everyone who has gone out of their way to find and donate items so far... Aside from the businesses... Alan and Barbara, Michelle, Kristie.... You guys all rock.

Everyone keep inviting people to the fundraiser, I really want to pack the house....

This is me signing off..

It's Saturday, April 26th, 9:35pm

Tonight's happy thought is.... I continue to build strong and amazing relationships with new people in my life and I am so incredibly lucky to be in the company of such incredible souls! Thank you all!

It's been awhile again since I wrote.... I have a hard time committing to this type of thing.. Not that I don't have anything to say, but just that I find time slips away and next thing I know... Well.. We all know how that goes right? But I am going to make sure to keep checking in whenever it strikes me, so be patient with me... It may take a while to get something out, but I guess then maybe when it's said, it's worth saying.

I have been going through something rather strange lately. I am not sure if it is a normal part of the post treatment sort of deal, or if this is just a new stage in my life. It seems that just when I think I have grown up, I will go through something else and realize that in perspective, it is yet another piece of maturing.

This new stage seems to be a cross of tooting my own horn and maybe filling a missing void from the loss of mom... I am not totally sure what it is, but it has been very odd. I guess I am jumping to the end of something I haven't even started... so perhaps I need to update first and eventually I will talk it all out in the wash!

Not too sure how much I have posted about the Quebec trip... There is a Retreat being put on in Quebec for Young Adults with Cancer. I decided months ago that I wanted.. no needed.. to go.

I run a small support group for young adults aged 18-40 who are in any stage of their cancer. I decided to do this back in October of 07 as I found there was really very few resources and I thought I could fill an essential need. I have found through building the group, that it fills a need for me too, and I think I have grown alot, learned and been able to get myself through some major hurdles in my life, just through bringing this group to life. It's not where I want it to be yet, but it is getting there. It has been baby steps since our first meeting in December, and I have every faith that it is really going to blow up down the line... I am so happy to be such a huge part of something so amazing.

I decided to mention the retreat to my group, and some other members decided they wanted to attend as well. I decided that I would do, whatever it took, to fund as much as I possibly could, for everyone to go. Most expenses are covered as it is a free retreat to attend and they provide a partial travel bursary, but in order to not red eye, we would have to arrive a day early, which brought fourth new expenses. I truley wanted to be a part of helping others get there, as well as myself.

My original intention was even if it took selling chocolate bars outside of Walmart, I would... One of the group members, who is known community wide as a respected breast cancer spokesperson, had decided she wanted to come as well. She had a fundraiser coming up and wanted the proceeds to help her and other members of our group (YACC-Young Adults Conquering Cancer) attend the retreat. Some of her friends had put together a benefit concert on her behalf. It was a beautiful night and the talent was AMAZING! I met some wonderful new people, including a lady who brought us one of our brand new group members, who has quickly become a good friend already! I also met Lisa Adrianne, an amazingly talented young lady, who lost her own mom 2 years ago to cancer. She writes music about this, as well as her depression, and I cried through her whole set. I bought the CD, and I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. Feather's husband played songs that were all too easy to relate to my own journey, and her brother wrote a song for her that also made me cry. There was even a top 40 artist named Marika, who was fantastic. Unfortunately, the turn out was less than desireable. Man did people not know what they were missing! I left feeling strangley upbeat, in a great mood (Despite incredible pain that I will get to later) and with a really determined mind set. I was concerned the evening had not brought in enough funds, so I was eager to find something that would, and fast.
I began brainstorming and remembered a pub fundraiser I had been to years ago, I called the pub, made the arrangements and set the date. I was shaking like a leaf, because I have never tried to pull something this large off by myself, but I know I can do it, it just took the commitment. I have been amazed so far at how much the people around me, even people that I didn't know cared, and people who I had forgotten do, have really banded together and I am really expecting great results!

As it turned out, the Benefit concert, on extra donations, the partial proceeds from Chris Janz Cd's that were donated and the admissions, raised a decent amount, it was a huge surprise and took some of the stress off, but I am adamant to ensure that Pub Night, May 29th, is a huge success.

So that covers some of that.... Boy this is going to be a novel tonight!! :o)

I need to jump back again to March 23rd. I started to have this pain in my lower abdomen that I cannot even explain, it was like stabbing knives and cramping throughout the lower abdomen and up into my incision site. The pain got worse and worse. It started at about 1pm and by 4pm I was at the Hospital. I sat in pain, tears rolling down my face for 5.5 hours and never made it into the emerg. I atched people who came in before me, and after me, walk in and out, having been treated, and all I saw, was a urine test and bloodwork... in the waiting room. I couldn't handle anymore, and I walked out. I went to the clinic the next morning, still worse yet, the dr. sent me home with 232's,a bunch of anti inflammatories, muscle relaxents, and a call into my urologist, but no answers. The pain continued and the next day I was admitted to emerg. I was much better while on the IV Demerol and fluids, but by this point I hadn't eaten or drank in 3 days... to make a long story short, I eventually ended up at my urologists office who,after ruling everything out, decided it was a form of chronic pain, in which the pain receptors flare up again around the incision site. I was given percoset(lots) and sent home. I spent about a week in a wheelchair, and about 3 weeks on the couch. I didn't eat or drink for most of that, and lost 20lbs. At this point I am almost 90% better... my appetite is still lame, I am still dehydrated most days... and I still get disabling cramping at times. I am still off work as I am not "stable".

There honestly, was about 3 times through the process and pain that I honestly... without a word of a lie, thought I was dying. It was the scariest feeling in the world.

On the upside, the weight is still off, I had to buy acouple things in smaller sizes as my clothes were falling off me. It felt good to shop in a real person store again instead of plus size, and I really notice a huge difference in my face and body shape. It is amazing how much of a lift 20lbs can be!! If this stays off... which I really hope, then I will only have 30lbs left to lose, which seems so much more attainable.

I have made connections with some amazing people lately... this brings me to where I started this entry. Recently I was speaking to another young survivor... She is a strong and upbeat young lady, who I envy for her strength and ability. I mentioned her a bit earlier when I spoke of our newest group member. I was talking to her online and we were giggling about whatever the topic of the moment was, and she said "Well, without drama, life would be boring" and I replied, "Ya, well if I didn't have cancer I'd be pretty boring.. I'd probably have to start a german shepher dog club or something to stay busy". It was said as a joke... it was meant as a joke, but then shortly after, I was talking to my oldest daughter Sam... the same thought crossed my mind.

At this moment... right now.. in my life. Let's take cancer out. What am I? Who am I? What do I stand for and who do I matter to?

The reason this was so essential for me to isolate is this... When my mom died, before I new I was ill... I was working part time in management, I was going to school full time. I had two beautiful, healthy young daughters, a wonderful husband working an OK job, biding time until he joined the military to begin his career. I had a cute and cuddly dog. I had family.
But when mom died. I remember thinking to myself... If I died, right now... who would care? Would anybody be at my funeral other than those who felt they were obliged to and my husband and children? Like the title of one of my favorite books by Robin Sharma... "Who would cry when I die?" and right at that moment? No one. Honestly... Laugh all you want... think I', on a pity trip.. but once mom passed, other than my husband and children and immediate family, I was no one to anyone...

So one could say that sure, had I not gotten ill, I would have gradded art college, maybe gotten a designer job, maybe not, since I had Trin... I don't know, maybe life turned out entirely different and I ended up in a similar position without the morbidity... but I can honestly say that right now, in this moment.... If I died? People would cry... There would be people who would have nice things to say about me, and there would be people at my funeral. My husband would have entirely different attrivutes to share with my daughters as they grew, than he would have before, and right now? I stand for something. I do something that matters.

I know that may sound sooo self absorbed, but it was a strange place to come to. It is that brief moment, when you are able to look back and say.."WAIT! That's the why!" That's why I had to do that or learn that or be there or lose that.... This is my why right now.

I have a very clear vision in my head as to where I am headed right now. I don't know when I am going to be healthy enough to go back to school, or start a career, and don't get me wrong, the minute I can, I will... I crave nothing more than "Normalcy".. a double income... my own home, and room for the kids to grow. But I have no control over that right now... What I do have control over, is what I do with the time I have between now and then. Today a strange thought struck me... I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
There are some very essential key people in my life this past month, and I just want to say thank you.. You know who you are because I have thanked you endlessley, but know that to me, you are angels with hidden wings.

It's April 26th, My daughters 12th birthday(25th). How am I so lucky to have three beautiful girls? Tonight I watched my little girl become a little lady, I realized that I haven't been a great mom... especially to Sam, with everything I went through in her early years, but I have done something right, because she is growing into a pretty amazing kid. I see so many of mom's attributes in her, and since mom hasn't been around for afew years, I guess I must be doing an ok job passing them on.

Enough typing and tears for one night... it's 1:30am and I am not going to sign off with a happy thought, because this whole entry -was- my happy thought. Good night all.

PS- For those tracking nipples... I caught her in Sam's room last week, all curled up in Sam's hoodie, she was easy to pick up and didn't scurry off, so I think she may have grown weak... I took her out into the field and hope she regains her strenth and then bothers someone else! :o) She was a cutie though!!