Dec.17,08

I don't even know how long it has been since I have written... A long time! I keep forgetting this blog format does not date stamp, so I have to remember to put it in.

I am going to try and enter this as a bief point to point update entry. Alot has happened and I don't want to make it impossible to get through this post.

-My bladder is still giving me a ton of issues.. Pain, weird urination etc... I have not been scheduled for the test yet, but I have another urologist appointment on Friday, so will find out what is going on there soon.

-Finally made it in to the Neurologist. I have one new tumour growth, for a total of 4 tumours now. I also have very small growth in my largest tumour, but the growth has made the tumour a zize of concern. Too small to do anything about and too big to ignore. So I will go for an MRI in one year as opposed to two and another surgery is almost guaranteed in my future. 3-5 years likely. There is some option of a Radiation stle surgery, but he has to take it to the board. There is a very small growth in close proximity to this tumour. While this tumour is superficial, the other is buried deep in my brain. Since you can only radiate an area once, he thinks they will want to wait and do it on the other, as surgery would be much simpler on this one, than the other. I am stressed, and emetional.. I know it could be several years away, but I am sick of there always being something.

- We are in the new house, and while it is nice to have the space, the house was not finished before we moved in. Luckily Chris has figured out how to be handy, but the landlord never brings us supplies and it is frustrating trying to get him to comitt to anything.There are no lips on every change of room, missing door framing on every door, Missing Floor boards everywhere, Poorly insulated doors, Crappy paint, No towel racks, The basement was supposed to be an entired suite, but the washer and dryer that was supposed to go downstairs, has to but put where the kitchen was supposed to be... so no more basement suite, now just a rec room and laundry. Sams room has no closet doors, her door frame is put on crooked, as ies her window. The spare room in the basement has no door... The bathroom downstairs is not built.. The whole house has various items of the landlords stored and left here... He had said the upstairs would be done when we moved in, and he would come finish the basement shortly after. Well its been 16 days and we have gotten the odd supply here and there, but at that, we are expected to do the work. I could totally take him to tenancy, but he has given us such a good deal, I am trying to be patient.

-We have had so many extra expenses this month, it has been really hard trying to stay ahead money wise. Christmas will be small, but we want to teach the children that anyways. I am sick of buying oodles of things that never get properly acknowledged or that never get used. I would rather buy them acouple things that are valued. Like the tale of the woman who cuts her hair to buy her husband a watch strap, but he has sold his watch to buy her a barette for her hair.

-I am finally on chronic pain control and it has been nice to take a huge step forward, after two years, in being able to control my pain.

-hat being said, I am having issues with my stress levels, my anger and my emotional health. I am on a waitlist for the psychiatrist. I had added a new medication for anxiety to my current one and took it for a month. I was supposed to call and get him to call in a script if I was happy with it... It seemed to help, but because I was in the hospital, I did not notice I was almost out. Bu time I called their office on a Thursday night, I did not hear back. Well by Saturday I was in FULL withdrawl... I could actually see how and why people go to detox and what it felt like... I would have given anything for something to take away my symptoms. I actually got suicidal the first night. I felt like I had a million red ants tearing at my skin and crawling all over. I had the worst headache and dizziness... I cannot even explain. It took almost two weeks to get back to normal. I decided that anything that felt like that after not taking it for 2 nights, was not something I wanted to continue. I think somehow it messed up my current meds though, because now it as if I am back to being my old depressive self.

-I have also gone back to being lonely. YCSC has taken a bit of a downward spiral. We need a proffessional logo, so we can have brochures done up, to be able to get the word out to more people that we are here, also to get me volunteers as I canno do everything myself anymore, but every graphic designer we have worked with has been a dud so far... so I am waiting on one more shot at it at the end of December and am hoping for good things. As with most friendships in my life, I have been left sourely abused and abandoned once again. Someone I thought was a dear friend, changed on my completely. Once again, I was the one with everything to lose and had to turn my back and say that obviously there was some reason I was meant to have her at the time, but now that is gone. Another connection I had rekindled lately had turned out sour too.. luckily I was ready for that one as I was completely prepared for it, and guarded. I miss Kristie dearly and have vowed to make more effort to get out and see her... She has had a rough time with her 4th go at treatment, and I feel like a horrible friend. I have also had a hard time finding time to be with others.... I wonder if it is part of my barrier has gone up again after my recent betrayal and also with my current mental health on the slope... I have to put some thought into that one and try to resolve it. I have to find some way to stop pittying again too...

So I guess it is another depressive entry with the upside being that I am fully aware of where I am headed, and that I need to do something about it... Im just a little stuck on the how right now. I will persevere, I always do... But as I said to Dad Crowe on the phone the other night... This is one of those times that I have to admit, I am not a pillar of strength as those around me like to state.. I can be, but sometimes it is ok to not be... The hard part is, you need those dear friends and close family to lean on in these times and to just be able to open up to and say...

"You know what? Things are kinda scary right now, and I know that might not make sense to you, but I need you to just be there for me and not try to bandaid it, or tell me to stop wallowing, to just be a friend, a shoulder, an ear, and just agree with me... that ya... it really sucks... not remind me of all the things I am SUPPOSED to feel or how I am SUPPOSED to act, but to just let me be this for today."

When you lose the people you can honestly say that to? It pretty much makes things alot worse. I am lucky in having my husband and one or two others that I can really open up to like that, but I miss certain people who used to help me get through, and who made me feel normal....

So... I'll stand up proud... Chin up, Head in the air... After all things can always be worse! Besides, I am probably making a big deal over nothing... and don't forget.. medicine changes fast... I'm sure it will be no big deal in afew years, when the time comes... Stop worrying about it today, there's nothing that can be done....

Because that's what I'm told to do.........

I know there's one angel crying with me today....

I have been home since Sunday night, I had to come home with catheder in. My Specialist removed it on Monday, as it is better for me to be urinating poorly, than not at all on my own. I have to go for some tests in the next bit, as we think there is deffinately something going on in the bladder area. We believe it is car accident related.

Probably because of the antibiotic infusion and the bed rest, I came home feeling pretty strong, but frustrated at not being able to do everything I want. With the move coming up in a week and a half, it was everything I could do to build myself as much as possible to prepare. Within acouple days home, I packed up the bathroom and started to pick away at little things.

I still have weak moments, but I am well on my way.

I was put on a secondary anti depressant last month on a trial basis. He gave me a month worth and told me to call in If I wanted to continue. I thought it was helping, but having been in the hospital, I lost track of my meds and next thing I knew, I was out of them! I called on Friday morning for more, but never got a call back. By Saturday I was in Full fledge withdrawl. I started doing some research and apparently numerous places are trying to petition the release of this medication due to its suicidal withdrawl symptoms! Which I am totally experiencing. I am hoping I am almost done, but I have had to sedate myself and stay on benadryl and tylenol to get through the past two days... It has been hellish!

In the mean time, I was able to get into the pain clinic at the Cancer Agency and I am finally having someone take care of my chronic pain issues. I am hoping this is the start of a stronger and healthier me! Cross your fingers!

So the move starts tomorrow with our "Prepack". They come in and pack everything we don't need. Wednesday we have to take everything the movers won't move, and the food. Then Thursday they pack everything else and we go into a hotel. Friday morning they load the truck (all of which we have to be there for). Saturday we have to be at the old house for cleaning and then Sunday is our one day break as the come in to unload and unpack on Tuesday (Monday is all running around).

Aside from the, we picked up the hedgies today and I didn't get much time with them as they are staying with a friend until I get settled in the new house and can settup a safe hiding place for them until Christmas! :o) It was hard getting them and then letting go so quickly, but soon they will be home for good... they are sooo sweet.. I love them to death!

I am tired even anticipating this move and I don't have to do much! I can't wait to have all that room though!! EEK!

I neve thought I would see the day when a phone call from a suergon after an MRI, would take back seat to anything else....

anyone who has ever had cancer, will tell you that the 7-10 days after an MRI or CT or screening of any type, seem like the longest days of your life. Typically, I mske it to about day 5, then I start calling all my different drs to see if annyone has gotten word back early....This time, the days came and went, and only as as passing thought last night, I mentioned my MRI scan to someone and then it dawned on me to ask Chris... "Have we heard anything back about the scans?"


Not only was this a rare occasion, but rarer still was the calmness in his answer "Oh, yeah.. Dr.Haw called and would like you to set up a non urgent appointment" Well this is good in one way, it means nothing has changed for the critical, but something has changed, and I have to wait to find out.....No the weirdest of all is the fact that I am totally ok with that.

I am typing this blog on a flimsy webenabled keyboard, attatched to a TV/Monitor/Phone, laying in bed next to a man with ebola virus who is, at best, "Confused"...Now I know that could be the beginnning of a very interesting story, but alas, no... I am a patient in the wonderful new, state of the art, Abbotsford Regional Hospital. The olus? I have internet! The Negative? This could be a long list......

Let's start with the most devastating... I cannot access Facebook... It is banned from the terminals in here...
next is the fact that while it is a beautiful hospital, they are worse than short staffed at the best of times... This morning it took 4 hours of piece by piece installations, to get a shower.. first came a towel... 30 minutes later, a cloth.. and so on and so fourth.
I am glad I have had ABSOLUTELY no appetite because so far, the only thing I hsve even attempted to eat was some flavourless mashed potatoes, my daily cream of wheat, and a soup that looked like pork and bean (actually very tasty) one afternoon... Other than that, and acouple of bad of ketchup potatoe chips and LOT of Juice, I haven't eater.. That's a lie, I could't say no to the first turtles of the season....

Over the past few weeks my left flank has been flaring up again... I have on many occassions wondered if this would be the spasm to bring me down again as it all felt too familiar to my last downtime.
On an entirely different front, ever since the car accident, I have had troubles peeing.. I will go to the washroom, feeling like I have to go badly, but then sit there and cannot go... I get up and try again, sometimes it will take me 2 or so hours, all the while my bladder feeling like it will burst.

Monday morning, I woke up and my side was in searing pain. I hobbled through getting ready and into the car to take the kids to school, before we left, I said I had to go to the hospital. Normally you have to fight me tooth and nail to go, but this time was very distinct, I had to go.. Now..

We had a short wait in the waiting room, maybe 2 hours. I was moved to a bed in emerg. I told the dr that my side was extremeely sore and I also told him about the urination issues. I was given pain meds and eventually moved over to the medical decison bay. While there, I tried to urinate, and couldn't go, I tried over and over again with no success and eventually had to tell the nurse because I felt like I would explode. She did a Bladder screen and my bladder was over 100% full... I was distended into my kidney. She cathedered me. Everything was good, then my gp called in and cut my meds off! I was in excruciating pain tears all night. Early in the morning the emerg dr put me back on and on something stronger.. To make a long story short, this happened back and fourth, my dr kept cutting them off... I spent two days in the emerg medical decision ward, and onlu on the 3rd day did I see my dr. who again, cut my meds down to virtually nothing then, he point at my IV bad and my antibiotics (They found white blood cells and bacteria in my urine) and tells the burse to pack everything up and send me home with scripts. So now I am really upset and freak out on him.. I told him I was sick odf him being uninformed on uncompassionate, and told him I didnt even know *IF* I could pee yet. He tells me that the reason he pulls all my meds is that it is what's causing myurine black, which is BS because I said I had that problem before I even came to the hospital! Of course he doesn't listen to me, and leaves. Well then I get transfered to a ward basically the emerge dr has diagnosed me with pilonephritis (ki dney infection)My dr says its not, but then again, my dr told me that the bruise across my belt line after the car accident couldnt be bruising from the seat belt and the urologist said it deffinately was... Like I am going to trust anyhing my dr. says... I should have fired him long before now, but now that hee has started with this, I am not allowed to fire him... How STUPID is that?!

Soo again, to try and shorten it up... The catheder has come out twice now to see if I can pee, and I cant... Yesterday I was able to go on my own, but only went half and this time I could not go at all... So I have what's called Urine Retention.... We have no idea yt what has caused it... and from whast I have heard so far, there is a possibility I may not regain bladder function... PLEASE, if you have any spare positive thoughts, send them my way......

The pain in my side is likely just a coincidence or could be a result of the urine building up and distending my bladder.

Then just to make things extra fun, I had an alllergic reaction to my 2nd cathedar and my body id covered in this fun rash!! And I am itching like hell because apparently the pharmacy takes a long time to find their benadryl.

I have a good eeling I wiill be in here until Monday at least... I am tryng my best to get him to let me out to goo see my urologist, who KNOWS what he's doing.... Other than that, I don,t know much. I also on't know much on my MRI results until I can get out and make an appointment.

I miss being home, I miss my family, My body is sore from laying around, Im tired from not sleeping and I just want to go home :o(

THIS SUCKS!

Nov.4,2008

So it has been an odd last few weeks....I am at the point right now, where the last 4 months of my life are just a chaotic mess of non cancer illness & pain.

Since my brain surgery I have had something referred to as Disassociate Syndrome (sp). Basically I have periods where I feel small in the world around me, as well as feeling, at times, like I am viewing my world from above my body.... Like I am not a part of myself.

I have been feeling that way alot lately. Apparently with a new medication that affects Dopamine and Seratonin, it is common to develop this syndrome, so not unlikely that it has made my syndrome more predominant. With all the side affects, I have considered discountinuing the med, but i feel a signifigant shift in my personality and stress levels since starting it, so I am riding it out. That being said, it is weird having moments of "not being yourself". Hard to explain but if you can imagine watching what you are doing but feeling like it is not really you.. Very strange.

I have also had 2 Chronic pain upisodes in the past month... I assume it is due to my increased activity, as I started back to work on October 10, after 4 months off from the car accident. I am not working much, as my shoulder still throbs regularly, but I am taking a shift here and there. The most recent flare up was this weekend, where I was sure I was going to end up in emerg on Sunday night, but by today, it has simmered down. I think that one was due to halloween and walking for hours. I wish I could do things that normal 29 year olds do. I am hoping to get back on core training on Monday, which builds up my side strength and I seemed to feel better when I was... I am just worried that I will flare itup again...

Otherwise, things are ticking along as we clean and organize the house for the move. It is so much work. Luckily the move, the packing, moving and cleaning is completely done for us, but it is getting everything ready for them in the meantime.

Boo had her convention this weekend, and we were going to drive in and out both days, but that meant getting up at 5am both Saturday and Sunday, then finding something to do until 5pm, then driving home... So We decided that despite not really having the cash as we are trying to save for the new rent, damage deposit, and christmas, to rent a room. Sam is going to have a sleepover with her cousin who lives in Vancouver, so she is stoked. I am hoping to get my tattoo touched up while I am there as it has needed that for 4 months now!

Well I am dead tired, but wanted to update. I have been finding it easier to go to sleep since being on the new pills too, which is REALLY nice. Although I have this neat bladder thing since the car accident that sometimes I really have to go to the bathroom, but when I go, I can't go.. So I have had afew times of waking up to go to the washroom, only to sit there.. So that wakes me up and then it takes forever to go back to sleep... But overall, feeling more rested.

I work tomorrow for 3 hours in the morning, and then have a staff meeting in the evening... Thursday I have my MRI, lets hope an arm vein screams out at them, as the swelling and bruising from last weeks MRI is still holding it's own. Hopefully I will have the results from Wednesdays, by next Monday or Tuesday.

So tonight was my MRI....

I drove myself in and did my first MRI without sedation....
I was amazed that I did not get chlosterphobic, but since I
was not wearing the mask, I guess it was easier to cope with.
I will have to sedate for next weeks scan as I do have to wear
the hanibal lectur mask.

So it was my usual tech, which was nice, but, for whatever
reason, she has never done well with my IV's. It is hard
enough to get a good line in me, but I guess with the
nerves of the test, I hide even better than normal.

She couldn't find an armline, so she went for my wrist,
YAAA my favorite! Luckily she got it in one shot, but
OMG did it hurt! So she puts me in the machine, bundled
like a mummy in a blanket. I felt fine, so in I went.
As the scan started, my hand started to vibrate, and it HURT!
After about 10 seconds, it stopped, and I told her about it
over the speaker. After asking about a million questions, she
could not figure out what could cause it, and asked if I could
continue. I said yes. We went on and I was heating up...FAST..
I never like to bother them, so I didn't say anything, but when
I started sweating bullets, I had to wait until that scan was done
and use my call button. She took the blanket off and carried on.

Towards the end, my hand stated to hurt again, vibrating and
pulsing in pain. I grit my teeth and got through it. I have
never felt anything like it! I can not figure out what it was...
Maybe some sort of weird reaction because I have been
wearing jewellery more often? Or an Iron build up?
I have no idea, but it freaked me out.. big time.

Now I am scared to go in for my next scan next week.

But, some good came out of it. I went to visit our two new hedgie
roomates. A girl is moving to panama and needs a new home for
her two little hedgies. I went after my scan to meet her, and them
of course... They are such cool little critters. The girls seems
quite happy for them to come home with me. Unfortunately,
we have to wait until we move to the new house, and then will
keep them in our room until Christmas. Don't ask me how...
I have no idea yet how to keep the kids from finding them!

Oh well we will figure it out!

I am wiped, and tomorrow I am "Field trip mom"
so I am off to bed!

So, tonight we signed the paperwork for our new 5
bedroom home! WOOT!
I can't even imagine what it will feel like to live in a 5 bedroom,
3 bathroom home. It has been a long time since we have
lived in accomodations suitable for our family needs.

I do and did love this house in the summer. Being in the
middle of nowhere and having a huge yard to enjoy during
the summer was nice, but there was always negativity
with Chris's x-boss living here, due to the fact that the military
having no tolerance for my illness and less for Chris's injury.
1,000 sq ft, not very well laid out, was much too small too.
We have noticed it alot more lately with Trin getting bigger
and Sam going into her teens.

We have been SO SO SO SO gifted in meeting the man
who is renting to us. If we were being charged market
value, there is no way we could possibly do this.
Something has sent this man to us, and it is really
amazing.

My meds have me right whacked out. My head feels
fuzzy and I am on and off nauseous all the time. One
of the joys of a med switch. I need to give the side effects
a week and if they do not simmer down, then I will have to
go off of the new one. I am hoping they get better because
I do feel a difference. There is some discussion that
I may have Fibromyalgia, and this medication helps for
that as well, so we shall see.

I have my MRI tomorrow. I am actually really nervous.
Partially because I am doing my first scan without sedation
and also because it has been over two years, and I am a little
nervous what they will find. Tomorrows scan is of my spine.
I have my brain scan on the 6th.

After the MRI I am heading to see acouple of Hedgehogs.
The girls want one really bad, and I love exotics, chinchillas,
suga gliders, flying squirrels, ferrets, hedgehogs, but after
the chinchillas, I have been very hesitant in going into anything
else. I have done a fair bit of research and it seems like
hedgies may make a decent pet, so there is a girl moving out of
the country at the end of the month, and cannot take her
hedgehogs, so I am going to meet them and see how that
goes. We will give them to the girls for Christmas, so if I get
these ones, I will have to hide them in my room, but still
give them love and attention, so we have to wait until we are
in the new house, or it will be too hard to hide!
I would just wait til closer, but this is a really good deal,
so we will see.

Well it is late, again.. I don't know how I have been staying up
so late and functioning, but I should get back on track!
We have to spend a bit each day getting ready for the move.
Luckily, we don't do the packing or moving or anything, but
everything needs to be really clean and organized for them
to come in and do it.

I am *SO* excited!

Started a new med 2 days ago.
It's supposed to help me with my
stress and tension, as well as my insomnia
then zombiness during the day. It's
going well so far(not so much).. I have extreme nausea,
Hot flashes, my head feels fuzzy and I feel
a little disassociated at times. I am going to give it until Sunday
and then if it continues, I am done.

On the upside, We are even closer to getting the
house. I spoke extensively with the owner again
tonight and he keeps going on about how much he
likes us and how much this is our house and he
wants us to live in it. He is such a sweetie, I just
hope it is what it is, as I have lost so much faith in
people's word. I am sure it will all be fine, but
until it is on paper, I am very leary.

When we were at Science World, there
was Mikes Critters there, putting on
a show with all sorts of little exotic
pets. Snakes, Stick bugs, a Tarantula
names Rosey that Trinity now wants as
a pet..NOT HAPPENING! But he also had
a hedgehog. I have wanted a hedgehog back
to the days when we had Chinchillas, but we
wanted to stick to one breed of animals.
After having the horrid Chinchilla experience
we did, we have been very nervous to go back
into a caged pet, but seeing one again, and seeing
how much the kids loved it, I am considering it again.
Trying to find a breeder near by, is the difficult part.
I don't buy from pet stores.

Anyways, I am feeling a bit dazed right now as I took all
my meds early tonight. So off I go.

It was a busy long weekend with the kids out on Friday.

Yesterday, Chris went to a hockey game. I had to take Sam to cheer,
so while she was there, I took the yuounger girls to Chuck E Cheese.
Somehow, I thought this would be a great idea, forgetting that on a
Saturday night EVERYONE is there! It was insane. Nontheless...
The girls had a great time. Trin was running around putting money
into every machine should could reach and trying to get as many
tickets as she could. She thought feeding the tickets to the ticket
counting machine was more fun than the games! Boo wandered
around on her own with a girl she ran into that she knew from dance.
Thats the nice part about the security there. One of the few places
you can feel safe letting a kid be a kid.

Afterward, The Poultons and Heather and Todd met us and
we went to the Chinese restaraunt across the rd and had a
pop with them while they ate. Had a really ncie time, even
though I feel like I jeporadize the conversation and then get
self concious that I am talking too much. I really enjoy their
company. I think part of it is that it seems I am always
wired with the kids whenever I get a chance to hang out
with them.

Just after 9, we headed home. I stopped for a car wash on
the way. A $14 car wash! It actually did a really nice job
but I always seem to notice new surface scratches on the
car after I go to one of those places. The weird thing is,
they are "No touch" washes. This is the first one that has
really done a nice job though. If I had the strength, I would
do it by hand to be sure but I can't.

Today we went to a Halloween day they had at Science
World. We got out of the house much later than planned
as I ended up on the couch last night after getting kicked
in the face by a restless Trin who joined us in bed.
So we were there for about 4 hours in the end, but it was
crammed with tons of demos, experiements, special
features, and an omnimax of caves. We had a nice day
and grabbed ice cream on the way home.

Then began the normal weeknight hustle of homework
dishes, lunches, laundry and such.

I have been having relentless pain in my legs,arms and
collarbone area latelty. It feels as if I have been working
our hard and my muscles are burning, but I haven't.
My headache frequency and intensity have been getting
much worse and as i mentioned, I am tired and
unmotivated all the time. We have switched some of my
meds in hopes it will help, and I am supposed to talk to my
GP as there is some discussion that my symptoms are
similar to fibromyalgia. On the upside, I haven't had
any tailbone pain in days and I can't even feel the lump.
Unfortunatelty, I have had the tailbone issues on and
off for almost 3 years and this could just be one of the
off periods. Either way, I am getting very nervous
about feeling so crappy all the time.

The landlord of the new house has accepted our offer,
I will feel 100% once it is in writting, which will
hopefully be in the next day or two.

Well, no nap today so I am BOMBED!

Waiting for word back from the landlord of the
house we are hoping for, is killing me.

We drove past it again today and I get
all warm and fuzzy just looking at it!

Realized today that I have just been feeling
way too unmotivated, as I haven't
even tanned in a week! Also VERY
sick of these pimples breeding on my face!
I feel like I'm 16 again!

While I have been eager to welcome this change
of cicrcumstance in our lives, I am a little
saddened that it means my bike will deffinately
have to wait until the end of winter.
I know I wouldn;t have ridden through the winter
anyways, but there was a security in knowing
I owned a bike. On the upside, the house,
if we get it... Has a secure garage. Somewhere
to store the bike!! *Woot*

Chris is heading to a Canuckle game tonight,
leaving me with the kids in Langley while
Sam Cheers for two hours, so not sure what
I will do to occupy us. May meet some
friends out there, but not sure how that
will pull through yet. It will be nice for Chris
to get out though.

I am pretty excited for Science World tomorrow.
Should be fun and crazy busy!

Since I am feeling that there may
be a light in my tunnel in my near future
I decided to get away from the drabness
of my past colour scheme on here.

Besides, with the fall coming,
it is nice to keep things bright and
uplifting. I think I have been
stuck in this particular phase of
my life for long enough. It is time
for something new.

Have been super busy.
Just a quick update

-Chris's appointment went well, it could take 60 days to find out what will be offered in the way of an increased pension.

-My vascular surgeon went well... he thinks the issue is in my deep vein, so I need a special ultrasound only done at UBC. It is $300 so I have to see if my extended will cover it, if not the waitlist is very extensive.. Nothing can be done until I get that.

-Work has been killing me.. Even the three short hours shifts feel like an eternity and kick my shoulder and side into unbearable pain. By time I get home I have a headache like you wouldn't believe too!

-We may be moving afterall. I have been corresponding with a gentleman in town who owns several properties. We drove by the three he has opening and one of them was AMAZING... and so WAY out of our price range... but this man is unbelievable and cut the price almost in half for us. We are waiting on final confirmation from him as we requested $100 cheaper just for the first year... but that is huge considering what it is worth. If it pans out, it is a two floor, 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. Nice big fenced back yard, double pained windows. Fully renovated over the past 6 months. Closed in carport, a room downstairs which I am going to use as a playroom and start a daycare! Just for acouple part time kids, but it will make it so I only have to work at Blockbuster to keep my free rentals and will bring us in some extra cash. This is an oppurtunity we have waited for, but never dreamed would come true this soon... We are crossing our fingers and toes.... This could mean an entirely different life for us!

-Otherwise, mostly more of the same. Will write more when I have more time, sleep seems to be something I haven't been getting lately. Still not feeling well... 8 weeks now!

Well we went for the coop interview tonight and I was so hopeful. We had driven around the complex and were a little dissapointed with the exterior, but had high hopes for the rest.

Well, the interview went great... except that throughout, there was mention of a very large rat stuck in one of the ladies walls for 6 months before coop approved it to be removed, followed by several coop policies that made us a little nervous.. for example, if out toilet were to explode in the middle of the night, we would have to pay for the repair and then submit the receipt to the board for approval..... Well we wouldn't have the money to cover things like that, or we would just buy a home! The clincher was when they said that They have mould issues... Leaky condo, and they are fully aware of it being in the walls and through the units and it will be fixed, but they don't know when... SAY WHAT?!

It sucked cause they were actually really cute units... Really good use of their space... Actually, they weren't even going to show us one... You apply, interview, it goes to the board, they decide whether to approve you, and if you are in you need to pay them $2000.00 within 48 hours! For a unit you have never seen... We got along really well with the ladies interviewing us, and one of them offered to show us their unit, so at least we got that, but I would never lay out $2000 sight unseen.

I can't risk mold that will be fixed Who knows when with our health, and Trinities asthma... I am actually wonderinghow they get away with stil renting them out... It was not a small amount of mould either!

So at least we don't have to worry about coming up with that $2000.00 anyways... I guess it goes along with my whole theory of things working out the way they are meant to... The only thing I always wonder is why does the oppurtunity present itself in the first place... I guess it's one of those life questions.. Why do things happen the way they do?

If the Co-op wasn't meant to be, then why did I notice it to begin with? LOL.. Yes, very philosophical tonight.. but it's like that feeling that the rest of the world is imaginerary until you witness it and the strange reality that life goes on without you when you go. Unimagineable...

Ok, I'm done being weird. :o)

So We are waiting to hear back from another place... a 3 bedroom rancher off of clearbrook rd... Hopefully that one turns out better .. If not then we just stay here longer... We do not -need- to move, we are just really eager to back into town, and honestly, pretty sick of all the issues here too... We actually have some mould issues on our bathroom ceiling and I have seen the odd silverfish in there too. Not to mention how small it is... You really feel it in the winter.

I am still waiting for some progress with our logo... hoping that it makes some movement soon so I can get moving with publicity and such.

Our non profit status came back about three weeks ago as we had not included witness signatures, so we have redone the necessary paperwork, and sent it back to the lawyer, who will submit it and then we will be granted our status, as it is just pending that one completed document.

So motoring along...

Tomorrow is Chris's veterans affair review, so still crossing our fingers on that as it has remained our last hope of getting a bike before next year.

Friday is my vein appointment, and Sunday we are going to head to Science World for their special Halloween day! Very excited!

As I enter week 7 of being sick.. consistently... I find that it would be really nice to have health and prosperity, ripe on a tree in my backyard, for me to pick on occassions such as this.

Today I woke up from my nap with what I am about 98% sure is either strp or tonsilitis. Seriously? How can one person stay sick consecutively, with numerous different illnesses?! It makes no sense.

On the health front, the next two weeks are insane. Wednesday Chris goes to have his reassesment with Veteran's affairs, who should have been paying him a higher disability rate for the past year and a half.... If all goes as planned, they will reassess him higher and we will receive backpay, as well as a higher rate for the year.

On Friday, I am finally in to see the varicous vein surgeon, and will see where that leads. Since I have had clotting in my legs on several occassions, it is suggested that I go back in to have them taken care of. I had my one leg stripped from the groin down in 2003, but new ones have grown on that leg and the other leg is stil very bad as it always has been.

The following Wednesday I have an MRI, which I haven't quite figured out how I am getting to, as it is a 1.5 hour one, and I have to sedate myself due to my closterphobia.... I don't really want Chris having to entertain the kids in the hospital for 2 hours... so we will see what I figure out.

A week and a half later, I have a second MRI, also 1.5 hours... also sedated... Yee haw.. but maybe some answers on the tail bone finally?!

On the money front.

My bike has likely been postponed. We have been following the classifieds for housing listings with the theory that if the right situation popped up, we would move early. It is hard to find nice housing with the dog, needing 3 bedrooms or more and within our price range.

The other day we saw a listing for one of the Coops, which was weird because they never list...
To make a long story short, they had a rare vacancy and are looking to fill it for the end of November, which is perfect for us as most ads are for the next month and we would have to give 30 days here...

It is 3 bedrooms with a fireplace, 1200 sq feet instead of the 1000 we have here...

We have made it half way through the application process, the next step is the interview... the rent is REALLY reasonable.. trick is, you need to pay a $2000.00 deposit. You get it back at the end of your tenancy... but OUCH!

We do not have it, pretty sure there is no one to help us with it.. so I am not sure how we are going to see through this one.. but we are going to continue with the process... and see what happens. You never know.. if that back pay comes through or... who knows... A bit dissapointing as I was hoping the next bit of money to come in would be bike bound.. but family comes first, and this place is just too darned small and far out.

Well, I am going to take my sore throat to bed.... Tomorrow is the start of another week.... NO rest for the wicked.

Oh, it was my bday tonight.. had a nice dinner with dad and shell at Greek Islands. Was nice! Don't feel any older though!! :o)

Well after a stressfull hour on the phone with MSP.. I have coverage again... but it wasn't easy...

Basically when Chris was released, the military sent in a form to state that we were no longer converes, but because he was extended, they followed it up with a form that said, basically, nevermind...he's staying in... Well, they never received the one saying nevermind... So... They cancelled out coverage...

SO after yelling and arguing and getting no where, the end result was, that the Military needs to resend the form, or phone them... If they phone them, they can reinstate us in 2-3 weeks. Meaning I have no medical until then. NICE!

The alternative is I need to get my own coverage until then... Ok, fine, let's do that... So the guy says he will put in my application, and I should have coverage back in..... 2 WEEKS!! Serioulsy? WHAT THE HELL?

I cannot go two weeks with no medical!!!

So I again explain to this gentleman, the third person I have spoken to that I HAVE CANCER... I CANNOT GO A MONTH AND A HALF WITH NO COVERAGE!

So he tells me I can be transfered to an "Account specialist" who may be able to help, but it will be a long wait... No problem.. I L-O-V-E waiting!

Finally get through to him.. Explain everything.. to which he tells me, that Chris is not in the military... REALLY? That's funny!

So I again explain...

Still... not getting it...

Then he tells me that Chris's work has to deal with it.. To which I explain that I have gotten that point from the past 4 people I have spoken to and that I could care less about that anymore.. How do I get my own account and have it instated NOW...

Anyways, in the end I totally bawled my eyes out... Sobbing that I have brain tumours and chronic pain and that I can't even go see the dr. because of the STUPID DND again.... and as I am continueing to blubber on I get interupted...

"Julie? It's done, you have coverage until your husbands is fixed"

Okay, so here's my questions... How does revenue Canada get such a kick out of breaking you down? Why couldn't they be compassionate enough to lean a little without the tears? What is it in someone that would give them such a feeling of power to drill you down to nothing, all the while having the power to make things easy?

Anyways, I have coverage again, thank god, so that is it for the moment in this dramatic bit of my life.. Can't wait to see what's next!

So yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had in a long while as I once again was witness to the ignorance of the medical proffession and the frustration of really holding no power in my own care.

I went to the Dr. in order to follow up on my car accident injury. When I arrived I was asked to come up to reception.... I have never been overly found of the reception at my Dr's office. In fact, I have not been hugely impressed with my Dr. either, but he was an improvement from my last, and since there are no Dr's taking patience, I took him in an instant over the old GP. Since most of my care is done by specialists and the only thing my GP is typically for is referals.

Reception informed me that my last visit was turned down my MSP. I didn't understand.. .Chris has been paying MSP monthly since the day he started with the military and it made no sense. The receptionist was adamant that I had no coverage and that I was going to have to pay for my last visit. I was really upset with her attitude and the way she was drilling into me. I asked for MSPs # and went back to wait for my appointment. I told her it is an ICBC appointment so it wasn't an issue for this visit anyways.

So, I go into the appointment to face one of my Dr's less pleseant moods. We go over my progress and he is fairly snippy throughout the appointment. At the end, after her has written me to work 3 hours, one day a week, and referred me for physio, I ask him if he can give me a refil on my percosets.

Now for background purposes... I was prescribed percosets after my chronic pain outburst last March. I was given a prescription for 50 and those lasted me right through into June. In June, 4 months later, I was represcribed another 50 tabs to prevent the chronic pain as well as for my injury from the car accident. I don't take them very often because I have never enjoyed they way I feel on them, and they make me severely nauseous, so I have to take Gravol with them, the end result being my being lethargic and tired.. But when I am in the amount of pain I am in when I need them, It is all I can do to get through. On at least 4 or 5 occassions, those have prevented me trips to the ER.

So my Dr. informs me that after extensive testing, they have decided that opiates do not help anymore than advil... So I explain to him that since my brain surgery, tylenol and advil don;t do anything for me other than get me through a tooth ache... I have to take t3's or 292's just to get rid of a freaking headache... Well apparently he has decided I am not getting anything anymore...
Thankfully I was smart enough to ask for the refill before I ran out, so I still have enough to get me through until I dcan actually go talk to someone who gives a crap how I manage.. If I am not able to manage my own pain, then they midas well put a bed aside for me at the ER, and honestly, I don't ever want to get as bad as I did last time... I have been able to prevent my pain from becoming excessive the past 8 months, but now, once again I am in a position where my pain is in control.

The most frustrating part is, I use these medications with caution and responsibility for real ailment and because of users and abusers, I am treated like a druggie. I love how a Dr. who doesn't even know what my disease is.. Can judge my issues.

So then I leave, very upset, and as I am walking out of the dr's room, the receptionist starts walking beside me and staring at me... So I look over at her and tell her that I will call her after I speak to MSP and she tells me I can't leave without paying for my last appointment. So Chris realizes what's going on and explains to her that there must be an error somehow because it comes right off his cheque, so she starts to argue with him.. Well by this point I am crying and I flip out on her and tell her FINE.. I WILL SIT IN THIS DAMN OFFICE UNTIL I GET THEM ON THE PHONE....
Well her and chris continue talking and I am sitting there on hold with fricken MSP for like 20 minutes before I have to go outside to get air.. Chris comes out after me and he has managed to talk the receptionist down and we leave. I was on hold with MSP for an hour that time, and then called again after lunch and again was on hold for an hour... I gave up...

Today I had to take Sam to Children's hospital so was not able to call again.. so now I have to deal with that on Tuesday.. but I am out of prescriptions and have an appointment on Tuesday, so I am not sure how that is going to work.. plus I have a specialist appointment next week and MRI's at the end of the month.. so I need my coverage in place! I am so upset by the whole damn appointment that I don't even know where to start....

Chris has got a REALLY bad cold and has slept for the past two days... I am sick too, but not even close to him.. I have been doing all the running around alone, Sam and I have gotten alot of alone time.. Yesterday we went to Starbucks and has a latte and chocolate chip cookie and did the word scramble and gossiped... The timing was pretty perfect as Sam officiallyt became a "WOMAN" on Wednesday, so I am hoping it has helped with the awkwardness of it all... Then today she had a Neurologist appointment, so we went out to that alone...

The appointment went really well.. She has a bit of loss of sensitivity in her feet, but like Katarina's weird babinsky reflex, it could just be a thing.. I know she has really poor circulation, so maybe that is all it is... The neurologist wants to do MRI's instead of CT's for routine scanning which is good because it is less radiation and more detailed, but most do the CT instead to save money, so I am excited about that. After her appointment we went to the thrift shop at Childrens and found sam a really cute skirt and a pair of leather knee high boots that didn't even look like they had been worn.. both for $10! Then we grabbed Subway for lunch and drove home with blaring tunes, singing away.

I came home in time to have a super fast nap, then pick up boo, get her to dance, come home, have dinner, pick her up, drop her at home, go to work... I worked three hours and came home feeling like I worked 10! Tonight would have been a percocet night foresure, but since I know have to savour my last bit, I am instead trying to take an extra sedative to get to sleep with all the pain. I guess it is ok to over sedate myself, but not to take a percocet..

So we are supposed to be going for three turkey dinners, but with Chris this way, I am assuming we will not be going to his sisters tomorrow. I will go on Sunday with or without him to Shelley and Dad's, and then Monday, we are doing something pretty neat.. My step sister and I have reconnected in the past several months, and as of last week, she has reconnected with my step dad too... so we are all going to have Thanksgiving together at her house. I am pretty excited.. I think Dad will be very happy!

Well, I am hoping these pills have kicked in.. I am feeling extremely sore, but tired, so I am going to try and get some rest...

Ok, enough already.... I have now been sick for well over a month, one thing after another... As of today I have a runny nose and itchy ears... Still feeling horribly tired and worn out. I missed my nap today to go get my hair sone with Michelle and I feel like a walking zombie now and it's only 10pm!

It was a really nice day though. Despite having been to Michelles house a gazillion times, I got lost as usual... but this time managed to find my way out of being lost, so was very proud of myself... We had a nice visit on the way back to abbotsford, and we tried out a hair school I had not been to yet. As long as you weren't looking for conversation, I was really, really, impressed...Both of our hair came out beautiful and the price was amazingly dirt cheap... and quick for what Im used to at a hair school... and the instructors were actually involved with the process, which was nice, because they caught mistakes while they happened instead of after it's too late.
We got a good chuckle out of Michelles vaccuum pump thingy, which sounds like your choice of randomn inappropriate farting, or as I chose to hear it, as concealed frogs in her purse... The funiest part of it was, I don't think anyone at the school even heard it! They were quite involved in their own conversations... So it made it even funnier.... I joked with Michelle that at least with her, I knew it was a machine... I remember towards the end of moms life, we would go out places and she would randomly let one rip and not even realize she had done it... and she pretty much belched and made funny throat noises all the time, after awhile it became second nature when you were around her, so it brought me back to that, and I found great humour in it.
I am hoping the day out was good for Michelle too.. She looked much more vibrant at the end of the day after having her hair done and being out and about, and it felt great to have some time with her, and some time to myself!

I really do like my hair alot, it has several different shades of blonde in it now and it's alot of fun. They finished it by straightening it... I never would have dreamt that a straightner would haveany purpose in my poker straight hair, but they did it with a straightner in July when I was coloured too, and it actually looks REALLY cool. Today reminded me that I desperately want a straightner, but refuse to get a cheapy... they never work... So am gearing up to spend $85 on that now too.

So finances hit us in the back of the head again tonight when we realized that Chris is not getting a raise this month as we had anticipated... He has gotten an annual raise since he began with the forces, as it is just standard protocol... He had looked up third year and saw that we would get an additional $600.00 a month. It is pretty much the reason we felt comfortable buying the car. When his pay stub arrived tonight, without any change, we pulled up the information online again and realized that he is making the maximum amount allowable for a private. Since he has not completed basic training, he is stuck at private recruit. The next payraise is for Corporal. So we are pretty much screwed, as when he releases, he will still lose 25% of what he is earning now... We thought we had avoided that axe when they extended his service time, as we thought the raise would kick in and when he was released, we would earn 25% less of the raised amount, which would be the same as what we get now. So now we are back to square one, but I guess with 10 months to plan for it... So it is time to prioritize and get some money back in savings and get debts paid down etc... Which is a bit of a bummer as some of the things we had wanted to do, have had to be side tracked for the moment.

Chris did some contract work last month so we knew we were getting an extra few hundred mid month, so we were going to tint our car windows, but now that money has to go to paying for Katarina's conference in Vancouver. We drained out Savings account last month when $1000.00 was taken off of Chris's paycheck due to a payroll error from last year, so we need to get together the $500 for Katarina and Trinity's dance costumes, which I think is due at the end of the month. Then there's halloween and of course Christmas.... So pretty much anything fun is on hold til January and even then it's iffy.

The worst part is, we have been living paycheck to paycheck since September.. School supplies and $1000 in motorcycle gear along with registration fees and such, hit us then. October has been rough with the $1000 shortage in pay, and then 3 fundraisers we supported for the girls... ($300 in meat orders! Im such a sucker) So we were finally going to see clearance in November. No such luck!

Despite everything, I still have every intent of getting a motorcycle at the very latest by spring. I know if we don't do it this year, it will be acouple years away, so I am sticking to that.

I have been very lucky in having things turn out the way they are meant to be, and this too shall follow, It has actually been a fairly long time since I have stressed about money... I have been pretty good at letting it ride as something I don't have a lot of control on, but when it hit me tonight, it hit me hard. Normally it is Chris who stresses, and this time is the opposite.

Well that's enough about that....

Tomorrow night I go to CATS!!! I have waited my whole life to go! I remember when my dad and step mom took Chelsea when I was young and how badly I wanted to go, and now I finally get to! The girls aren't as excited as I had hoped, but I am not entirely sure they know what it is, and I think they will be pretty thrilled... Chelsea is coming to watch Trin, it should be a nice night.

Thursday will be my last downtime, and then back to work Friday.. Only 3 hours, but even still.... I guess it will be good to have the time away again. I have been really lazy with that lately, and as I mentioned, it has been a struggle even to get my lazy arse to the tanning salon. Which I have done two days now! WOO HOO!

Well I have written a novel as usual, and I am BEAT tired. So I am off...

I know it has been way too long since I posted... I have had bronchitis, a stomach bug, a toxic infection/reaction, all within a 3 week stint.
I feel much better, i still have a nagging cough that is irritating, and I have zero energy... It's all I can do to stay awake until naptime, and then I have been heading to bed by 10:00pm. All this paired with alot of bruising, and dizzy spells. It is only natural that I start to consider a recurrence, especially with the unexplained lump... Luckily, I have multiple scans coming up at the end of this month and beginning of November, that I am sure will ease my conscious.

Other than feeling crappy most of the time, most things are same old. I'm still dreaming of the bike I don't have yet. I get jealous every time I see a bike go by... It makes it worse that the weather has been so nice!The new car has been so nice to drive around, the floor mats are dirty now, which is sad.. I'm still pretty freaky about who does what and where... I have never owned anything brand new, so it is pretty nice.

The kids are still going strong with their routines, that are wearing me thin :o) To be a kid again!! Trinity loves her dance class on Mondays, Katarina is especially loving her acro classes, which she has two of now. Sam is loving her cheer as usual... Katarina is doing a conference with the choreographers from So You Think You Can Dance in November. She is really excited!

YCSC hasn't had a regular meeting since July, Tonight was our first back from the summer, as in September, everyone was sick. It was a small meeting, but nice to see everyone again! I hadn't seen Kristie in a month or so, and even longer since I saw Darla and Cassandra.. It was really nice! We had a new fellow come out tonight. He is a young survivor of Thyroid cancer, but has actually come out as a volunteer, which is great! Nice to have some testosterone in the meeting and also to have the extra help... We are very close to having some literature printed and then will go full scale toward awareness and growing our organization.

Tomorrow, I get to see Michelle again, it has been forever as she has been dealing with another failed reconstruction surgery, #7....She has been very sick and infected since. No one has talked with her or seen her at all and I have missed and worried for her. We are going to go get our hair done and I am looking forward to catching up.

I'm once again feeling pretty low about my weight as I am up about 8lbs again. I am going to get through this week, because it is a wee bit crazy, and then back to working out. Should be a little easier now that the weather has cooled down and because I am scared to death to reach that 10lb over mark.... I refuse to get -THAT- big again. I hate it even being where I was, and was determined to lose another 40, but now I have to work at 48 instead! GRRR! It would be so nice to not have to stress about such a stupid thing... To be able to just be happy in my own skin.
I find that I am more confident in myself with age, I feel alot more secure with how I look, now, than I did 10 years ago, and yet I was 28 lbs thinner 10 years ago. Maybe it is just something that comes with maturity.

Today was a pretty big day in my family. I don't want to go into specifics, but I am very proud of someone who took a very big step forward and did something so important for someone. With a little hard work, I think that things will be much brighter and familesque in the near future... and in the side of the family I would least expect it... My step dad... I thought there was no way for me to ever help him make his life better... Since my mom passed, he wastes his days and life lost in a dire depression, but I am hoping that some recent changes will help everyone.... I could sure use a good dose of family happiness...

So tonight was YCSC meeting night, tomorrow I head into coquitlam to pick up Michelle, bring her back here, we get our hair done and then drive her back to coquitlam... She is not driving so I am more than happy to do it, to get her out and spend some time together. Wednesday night we go see Cats... I am sooo excited.. I have wanted to see it since I was little! Friday night, I am back to work... I am only working 3 hours a week for the month of October in hopes of getting my strength back up.. I would like to be able to work more hours for December....but I still get massive pain in my shoulder that migrates to my side. I've even had to change how I sleep.

Saturday night is Thanksgiving at my sister in laws, then Sunday with Dad and Shelley, then I believe we are doing Monday at Karen's... Three thanksgiving dinners... I usually enjoy cooking one of them because I take such pride in my turkeys, and cooking for my stepdad and husband and having leftovers!! But this year, with everything going on, and me being so worn out, and also for everyone Else's convenience, I am more than happy to be spending it elsewhere.

My 29th birthday is coming up... WOW! Honestly, it is still not really bothering me! When the kids have birthdays, it totally bugs me.. But when I do... I guess 29 still seems pretty young to me. Maybe 30 will bug me, as I have kept that as my "marker" of sorts.

Well, I guess I don't have alot of exciting stuff to share since all I have been doing is chauffeuring and sleeping... I even took over a week off tanning and only forced myself to go back today! Only because I knew I was wasting money by not going....

Afew people were riding me for not posting because they say it is the only way they know I'm alive! Ha ha... So yes, I'm here, I'm muddling through, and looking forward to some brighter days ahead!

Been a bit since I've written.... We have had so much going on lately!

Where to start?

So I did my Class 6 (motorcycle) road test on Tuesday... I stressed beyond belief through Monday night, barely slept... I picked up the school's bike at 2:15pm and road to the DMV.. My first official ride alone! It was bizarre! You feel so much less confident without the guidance of an instructor and the support of your classmates that you have been riding with for the past 2 weeks. I felt so unstable on the bike on the way, but reminded myself that we hd been told numerous times to not judge yourself the first half hour on the bike when you are a new rider... So I made it down there by about 2:45. My test was for 3:15, so I took an extra spin around the neighborhood and through some school zones etc.. Just to feel more confident. It didn't help. I went to DMV as my classmate did her test at 2:15 and was due back at 3:00. When she arrived back, I watched her get quite a long talk from the examiner and I worried she hadn't made it, but she came inside and said she had! I was so happy for her! I went outside with her for her to talk about what she did wrong and she explained that she had actually made a dangerous maneuver and was almost failed, but the examiner cut her a break... While we were talking the examiner came out for a coffee break and we were all chatting. By the end, I felt much more relaxed with her! I went through my test feeling relatively relaxed suprisingly. I had accepted the fact that I would either pass or fail and that would be it, so why worry?

The final intersection I took, was a 4 way stop. I waited for my right of way, and then went to go and I STALLED! I haven't stalled since day two of riding, obviously nerves were in play. I recovered quickly and went to complete my turn, but the guy to my right decided he was going to go, with me in the middle of the intersection already. I went to go, saw him going and waved him on... Irritated, I was sure I failed. We pulled in and she asked how I felt. I told her that I thought I messed up at the intersection. She asked if I had meant the intersection at the neginning of the test. I didn't even realize I had made any other intersection mistakes. She began to explain how I went to take a left turn on an intersection and saw it was unsafe to go. She said that was the right choice, but that right after, I went, and there was even less space. She said I took a moment to recover my turn and that it could have been fatal. I totally did not remember that point in the test... I felt the pressure in my chest, but was feeling emotionally strong and prepared for the fail. She proceeded to tell me how my roadskills were very strong and that I was a very good diver, that without that one poor decision, there wouldn't have been any issues at all.. That felt even worse, but again, I was still prepared for the fail, but then she turned it around and said that because I was so strong in every other way, she was going to overlook that poor decision as she felt it was a result of nerves... I lost it and cried my eyes out... She continued to lecture me on the importance of safe spacing etc... I was totally prepared for a yes or no, but the twists and turns threw me and I was so relieved to pass that I completely broke down.

So I am officially a Biker Chick! WOO HOO!! All I need now is a bike!

After spending weeks trying to figure out how to finance a bike, and learning that no one will finance on a bike, you have to get a personal loan, and Chris can't get a personal loan as he does not have enough rebuilt credit since his bankrupcy, we are left with no options other than waiting for some funds to come in that we are expecting. Chris has been frustrated beyond belief with trying to get his credit stable so we have options. Our car has been in pretty rough shape for awhile now. We were looking at having to get two more new tires after having just replaced two, and having to do the front brakes again for the third time this year. Our whole suspension system was shot and we just recently replaced the battery. There was still an oil leak in the engine too...we were looking at about $3000 in repairs. That is basically all the car was worth as a private sale, but we were going to try and get by with it until our settlement in a year or two. Since we desperately need to rebuild our credit so that if we need loans, we can get them, or so we can actually purchase a house at some point, we decided it was time to get a car. It is easy to get vehicle financing... and the rate we got actually wasn't that bad! In 10 months, we will refinance it at a lower rate, and Chris's credit should be pretty strong!

So we now have a beautiful, brand new 2008, Pontiac G5 4 door with luxury kit, parked in our driveway!! WE LOVE IT! Chris has driven everywhere we go since we got it on Monday... Chris NEVER drives and it has been a wonderful break for me! ha ha. The car is under full warantee for 5 years, and we can relax some. The payments will make life tight, but really, we were putting out that in repairs and the difference in gas mileage, and we are rebuilding too.

So after 2 weeks of A crazy schedule of dance, cheer, school, bike lessons, jolica parties and running around trying to get things in order/chores/errands.... The cold I have been fighting for 2 weeks had peaked and now left me no option but to rest as I can barely breathe and I am coughing up a lung. My nose is like a tap today, my cough had gone to my bronchi as usual, due to my bronchial asthma... I tried to keep going through it, but it has told me it is time to relax. So I am trying to give it a bit of rest now, I am taking T3's for the coedine as a suppresant and the pain relief, when I cough this much, it throws my side into fits of pain. The kids have no school tomorrow so that gives me a bit of down time.

So, ups and downs... Still working on getting a bike, Have a beautiful new car, and gotta kick the crap out of this cold!

So that's the dirt for the moment.

Of course, I never fully stop and am in the process of setting up the details for Steel Horse Ammendment... The Motorcycle run for Young Cancer that we will put on in May sometime. If you know of any riders who would like to participate, please have them search Steel Horse Ammendment on Facebook and joing the group to stay updated as we work through the details!

I am hoping to have over 100 riders. We will start and end at Boone County in Coquitlam. There will be a huge parking lot Rally BBQ at the end, followed by some dancing when the club opens. I will give more details as they come!

Well my September 11th seems to have spread across the past few days. THis year was one of the hardest to deal with so far. The actual day was a mess... I was in tears the majority of the day and it was like reliving the 6:45am phone call to say mom had left, all over again... but the days before and even today, have been mood roller coasters for me.

It doesn't help that I am still having issues with this really wierd cold that seems to turn itself off and on again. I have started using my inhaler and cough syrup to try and manage it, but it is a deep seeded chest cold, and I feel like crap!

I am so lucky this year, to have amazing friends who have helped pull me through my rough patch, from the beautiful flowers I received from a friend who was thiking of me, to the warm emails I received, It felt nice to know I was in people's thoughts.

I ride 5 hours today and 5 hours tomorrow, and then on Tuesday is my real ICBC roadtest, which I am nervous beyond belief about!!!

I have begun to try and pull the spring ride together, and it now has a name.

Steel Hourse Ammendment Act, will be a motorcycle run, this spring, with all procedes going to continue to help Young Adults with Cancer through YCSC. I am hoping to put my whole head into it around the beginning of October, once I have rested, gotten over this cold and hopefully stabalized my shoulder some, not that I am doing it any good ridding, but hey, I am determined.

Well just a small update, but it's something.

I know I have been horrible at updating again.. My bad.

Our fundraiser at Boone County on Friday night was amazing. Johnny (the manager) was amazing, aside from getting a gazillion donations for silent auction and raffle and such, he also placed a mandatory ticket purchase until midnight Friday night to increase our funds. I know that was a huge thing for him to do on a Friday night and he even turned away some regulars who refused to pay. I cannot begin to express how incredibly amazing the whole night was. Pretty well everything was handled by staff, leaving me more time to socialize and promote. Unfortunately, do to my nature, that still meant flying around like a chicken with my head cut off, but I felt more at ease knowing everything was under control.

We dealt with some time pressures towards the end of the night and will deffinately have to provide an itinerary next time, to keep things more in line. Some wonderfully unpleasent old man came over and started freaking out on me because it was 1am and the raffle hadn't been pulled yet. I was devestated that someone could treat me like that being a charity event, but as many mentioned, some people could care less about why they are there, especially when that amount of liquor has been consumed. Another fellow secided that since he did not win the silent auction item he wanted, he would become abusive. That was fun too, but other than that, everyone there was amazing.

I am looking forward to continuing to work with Boone, twice a year, once for this event every September, and also to end our ride for cancer with them. Our evenings intake was approx. $2100.00 as we are still trying to collect on some of the silent auction items. We will support the difference for two members heading to Lake Louise and then spend some money on acutal publicity, in the way of brochures, new business cards to reflect our name change, and probably some merchandise to sell at future events, depending on what kind of deal we can get.

The fundraiser could not have gone over without the help of those of you who came out to show your support. A special thanks to Cassandra, Dennis, Hubby and Steve for helping setup, Donna for being our fantastic sales person, Rob and Mike for robbing the crowd of every penny they had on raffle and 50/50, MIchelle for assisting with twoonie toss and body shots, my insane nieces for doing body shots and donating the procedes back to the organization, the staff, bouncers, DJ and of course management of Boone, The poulton's for their donation for silent auction, Sport Check and Lilian for the Cross trainers, XXXtreme for the loads of stuff, Michelle for the Sears portrait, Pizza Hut and Fabutan for the gift certificates, and everyone else that I am sure I am missing.

I have already begun working out the details for our public awareness materials, and am taking a two week down time before hopefully beginning the planning of our next event, which will be a Motorcycle Ride for Young Cancer in the Spring. I figure I should actually pass my road test before moving on to that.

After Friday night, I spent Saturday and Sunday riding... It was AMAZING!!! It was everything I expected and then some! I am sooo glad that I finally comitted to doing it and so thankful to Valley for making it possible. After the three days of intensity and stress, I was really run down and woke up with a wicked cold and hardly being able to move on Monday. The combination of using muscles I haven't in a long time for balance, my still screwed up shoulder from the car accident, and my sore tailbone.... So Monday was a mess and I was REALLY Worried about tonight.

I still have no bike and no idea how I will get one. We are still waiting for Chris to get a review of his disability since he is only on 5% but has been off work disabled for over a year now.. If that comes through there will be backpay, and it should be enough to cover a starter bike. At the same time, we are both fixing some errors on our credit reports, and hoping it will bring us up to the level to be accepted for a loan, since we are close. Chris is only 3 years out of bankrupcy, and my credit might be good enough since my bankrupcy is entirely off my record finally, but they don't like that my primary income is disability, so that holds me back fom financing. I am just hoping something will work out as that tends to happen for us when we find ourselves in a bind. I desperately want one though, especially now that I can officially ride.

Other than that, it has been a hectic couple of weeks with the kids back in school and acticities starting back up. On top of that I have had my lessons and have afew Jewellery parties this month, so that will keep me busy. I am hoping to head back to blockbuster by the end of this month, though I still have to use pain pills alot just getting through my normal tasks, and I pretty much have to medicate myself to sleep after riding due to the shoulder pain, but I refused to let anything get in my way of fulfilling my dream.

I am looking forward to having more time to focus on building and stabalizing the organization, now that most community events have wrapped up and there is no fundraiser in the way for a bit. I am hoping to be able to recruit afew more volunteers and start hitting Dr.s offices and do some more networking to make sure we are letting everyone who can benefit from what we can offer, know we are here.

We have recruited a new volunteer who is supposed to come out to our next meeting on the 15th. I am hoping he will work out and I will be able to get more in action with more people able to put time in. Our non profit status should be through soon, and that will allow us to run more efficiently as well. I am looking forward to alot of growth this year.

Thursday will mark the 4th anniversary of losing mom. I am unsure how I will feel with this one and hope I will be a bit more stable getting through it then in the past. It is still so hard to deal with at times, and I wonder if that wound ever gets easier. I know that it has become more maintainable, but it is still soo painful. There is not a time that goes by, when something changes in my life, or something good or bad happens, that I don't think to reach for the phone to hear her excitement, or her words of console. I suppose that will never leave, and I often wonder how hard it must be for my dad (step) to get through his days so lonley and having no one to talk to. I am lucky to have built a family prior t her departure, that I can attempt to fill the void with, but I don't know how you do it without that, I supposed that is why I always make sure that Chris knows if anything happens to me, that I expect him to move on, and find someone to make life easier.

Well, I am exauhsted, my head is reeling and I actually still feel nauseous from to anxiety of going through the test tonight, so I am of to bed.

I decided to reopen the blog to public viewing.



As I have never said anything personal about anyone, and I feel that there are useful contribution in here.



People who choose to take things in here out of context, are ignorant. I have always been a firm believe that if you think you have an issue, ask... 90% of the time, you will find it either has nothing to do with you, or your are over reacting.



Anyways, I have a ton to write about, the fundraiser, riding lessons, how I've been feeling etc.. But am heading out the door for another early morning of kids to school and such. I will try to write tonight.



For those looking for an idea how we did... We raised over $2100.00 on Friday night. THank you for all your support!!



Will write more soon!

It often happens that I get myself into a spot where I feel trapped, where I take on too much, and I feel stressed, tight, drained....

I am there right now, partially due to recent events, and mostly because as usual, I have taken on too much! Ha ha.

I think having had the summer off, and then jumping in with both feet has just pushed me that extra bit! The funny thing is, I was looking at my blog, like I sometimes do to reassess my thoughts from the previous day, and as I am staring at it, plain as day is a quote that I recently published on the side bar of my blog. I publish these quotes when they grab me , and when they feel applicable. Like many things in my life, I am great at understanding them at the time, but losing my own understanding in times of frustration or emotional drain. It is much like how I am able to preach to those that surround me about taking care of themselves, doing what is best for them, supporting their owns needs and goals... but when it comes to myself, often times I don't take that in myself.

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”

I read this over and over again, and realized that it is the exact position I am in right now. Outside negativity, Sleep, Stress Control - These are some of the battles I have lost recently but in return, I have once again raised the bar in regards to the organization.

I have reached out to the community and we have some new volunteers coming on board to help with some of the things that I am just not getting to, expanding, educating and assist with upcoming events and projects, as well as bringing some fresh new insight and helping organize us to be able to attend more functions and hopefully in turn, provide more of the resources that we hope to obtain.

All in all, it has been a very good month. Two new Company sponsors, some new volunteers and a whole fall ahead of us to cement ourselves for the spring.

Despite the suffering and despite, good has come, and I have come that much closer to building my dream organization. I know what I am fighting for, and I have alot more fight in me yet... After all, I learned from the best - Love you mom.

If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I have a very "loud" personality... In the circles I have run in my life, I have found that I am the type of person, you either like, or you don't. I have never held it against people who have personality clashes with me, and I find that typically, I can feel that tension right away.

There are ups and downs to being a "loud" personality... I make friends/acquaintances much quicker than most... I can strike up a conversation almost anywhere, anytime. I can hold my own in most conversations. I am a natural leader, and a "go-getter"....

Unfortunately, with each up, comes a down. I think during this week, I have managed to hit almost every down there is. Despite having "toned down" my personality, and learning to be able to blend with a crowd when need be, and even learning to clue in pretty quickly when I am going to have a conflict with someone, or if our personalities are going to clash etc... I still have times, like this, where I wish that I wasn't wuite so outgoing. It is a horrible feeling to wish you could behave a different way, and to go back and fourth between feeling confident and self concious.

As much as I am loud and outgoing, I am extremely sensitive, and I avoid conflict at all costs. Avoiding conflict leads me to a place where I tend to bottle everything inside and often times end up exploding on small issues. Once in a while, I will actually hit a justified breaking point. Today was one of those times. I was in a position where I had to stand up for myself. Unfortunately it was in an incident where I shouldn't have to, because of that, I am angry... I am angry at having to justify myself, my integrity, my honour, and all based on nothing.

Paired with other stressors in my life, it is giving me a bit of a mind trip, and I find myself having to scrape myself off the ground again. What angers me more than having to validate myself, is that I actually allowed someone else, someone who has no signifigance in my life, to take me down this hard.

I have dealt with self esteem issues my whole life. From being a child and dealing with varying degrees of abuse, to having to deal with constant critisms, justifications of mysel... and always being told no, or you can't do that. I don't think there are many issues in my life that I haven't had to deal with... The fat child with a horrific overbite, the nieave young girl who was so smart but wasted her potential getting pregnant, the abusive and loser boyfriends, the illness and death of my mother, the alcoholics throught my family, the uncle who disowned me, being cheated on, cheating, the young single mom, anorexia, you name it, I have probably been there, and then we top the cake with cancer at 25.. Hell, let's make the deal even sweeter, Let's make all 3 of my children carry the cancer gene as well...

Im not looking for pity here, in fact it's the last thing I want, because honestly, I can say without a single doubt in my mind, that all of that built me up and made me who I am, which honestly, I have been feeling pretty proud of lately... I have overcome almost everything that has been thrown at me and then some.. and no, I didn't get the Masters Degree, and I don't own the house, or the cars, and I haven't done anything spectacular... No, you know what? I have! I have helped raise 3 beautiful, smart, daughters, who surprise me every day with how amazing they truley are and show me how much I have had an impact on their lives.

Aside from that, I have done something else I am pretty damn proud of... I overcame a depression that I thought I would never get out of, and I turned it around... I decided to make it my job to help other people. There isn't alot I can do right now, because I have a ways to go yet in building the organization, securing sponsorships, and building awareness. But in less than a year, I have already done so much with it.

I spend at least 3-6 hours a day, everyday, emailing, networking, corresponding others and trying to build something sustainable for the Young Adult community. I don't get a wage for this, I don't get anything more than anyone else gets... A chance at a better life with cancer.

What started out as a support group, and then a social group, became something more when I realized I could do something to help... Our first big step was when I went to a typical monthlu meeting and mentioned the retreat I was going to in Quebec. In seeing a response from others who wanted to go, I decided to do a fundraiser to assist with the costs... In the process, I realized that this was my passion... Event planning, helping other people, and seeing that I could make people happy.

While I was in Quebec, I was overjoyed to see how I was able to help people have a life changing experience. I have no intention of holding retreats within our own organization, but I realized that I could help other people get to these type of events.

When funding was done for Quebec, everyone got the same amount of assistance. Feather had a fundraiser just prior to mine on behalf of our group. Half of the funds she kept for her trip, and half were donated to the organizationg. The $360 donated by Feather, went into the pot. YACC provided $400 to each of us, Feather paid the remainder of her tickets with her funds, The rest of my $800.00 ticket and the majority of Michelles ticket, as well as a night at the Hilton Hotel in Montreal so we didn't have to red eye it, All the food the day of travel and the day of return were fully paid for with the combination of the $360 Feather put in and the rest was provided out of the organizations fundraised funds.

We had a Large banner custom made for the organization in order to be able to identify ourselves at the many community events we attended over the summer. We purchased a propane Firepit and a full propane tank for the evening of Relay and other outdoor events in the future to keep everyone warm (and thankful we did too.. It was REALLY cold Relay night). The Firepit and Propane remain in storage for organizational use. We purchased Ink to use for Flyers we printed, We purchased snacks for two out of our seven meetings (the rest I funded out of my pocket and never reimbursed), Gas for two of us to attend Relay for life in Chilliwack to promote, and we hosted a huge BBQ for Kristie, One of our Board members who has comitted numerous hours of her time, even after barely recovering from her last treatment and who had just been diagnosed with her 3rd cancer in 2 years. I could provide the other expenses if I were to pull out the records, but the point I'm getting at is that other than being able to go to Quebec with the other girls, on the same terms they did, I have not benefitted from what I have done. I work long and hard at everything I do for the organization, because it is my baby and I am a perfectionist when it comes to work I do. I don't want credit for anything I do. It's not why I do it. I get all the credit I need when I see that people are helped through what ever little I can do.
Anyone who has ever attended anything I have done on behalf of the organization, knows how much I put into what I do...

What I won't accept is people who have no idea what I do, who have never even been around to witness any aspect of our organization, staking claims that have no warrant. Today my integrity came into question when I was accused of running the organization for my own profit (or at least I assume that was the accusation, it was so covered in haste, it was hard to tell). This is one of the things I mentioned about my personality. For some reason, I attract drama. Maybe because I am so sensitive, people think I will take it and they will get a reaction, and I guess in this case, the person gets what they want. My problem is this, I cannot even phamon being able to accuse anyone of anything without some form of proof or at least asking questions I may have. I also cannot imagine why anyone would want so badly to hurt someone... to need so badly to hope and seek for bad in people. I guess some of my lack of understanding comes from my own desire to stay away from conflict, it makes it hard to understand why someone would create it without any cause.

I am hoping that if I can make it this year without any tumour issues, that I will go back to school in Sept. 09 and get my social work in hopes that I can better deal with issues such as this. I need to learn how to take the personal out of it, to be able to take it for what it is, instead of letting it affect my own integrity. I remember a conversation I had with someone of high rank in the organizational world. Someone I aspire to be like one day. I was told that these type of things are going to be a a part of what I do... Maybe not in the mannerism that this has taken form in, but in some way or another. There is always someone out there looking to bring you down when you are trying to make a stand. It's learning to seperate it and have strength in what it is that you are doing, because in the end, what you stand for will always show itself... Pretenders can only pretend for so long, when you are real, it shows.

So I pull my shoulders back, put my head back up, and I carry on, because to let something defeat me, is to let the one thing in my life win, that I refuse to let win... and that's negativity...

This quote is soo fitting...

Despite the immense challenges that we have faced and continue to face, we refuse to indulge in negativity or pessimism. We are an organization that believes in empowering people to be their best.
Talal Abu-Ghazaleh

Our organization is about finding a better quality of life. Finding a way to be empowered, and to conquer the negativitey. I am still learning too. I am constantly working towards being the person I want to be, and I will be learning for the rest of my life. I have made some really, really major steps this past year though, and yes, I am proud, and I have nothing to prove, because anyone who knows me, who really takes the time to see inside me, knows who I am, what I stand for, and how passionate I am, and that is all that is important.

The thing that I find the most ironic, is everyday, there is someone, somewhere throwing a fundraiser for something. Hell, I know of fundraisers that people throw for themselves! To each his own, but for every fundraiser that is held, there is hundreds of people, going through the same thing, or worse, on their own. People who are not crying out for help, people who have no complaints, people who just do what they have to do to get through. I can't help everybody, and in this world full of charities, we have to pick and choose what to support, with fundraisers on every corner, not that any one charity is more meritted than another, but because we just can't do everything. But what I can do, and what I am trying to do, is help the people who don't know how to go out and help themselves, who don't complain and look for a free ride every chance they get.

Right now in our organization, we have a 28 year old girl, 2 kids, married with a husband who works fulltime. She had breast cancer in 2006. After 5 failed reconstructive surgeries, she was finally headed in for her final reconstructive surgery.. 2 days after her surgerie, she felt great.. things were going well.. I was amazed how well she looked and how active she was. Shortly after, her incision started leaking. She continued to work. Her incision started to open, she continued to work.Finally, she ended up in emergency with her incision entirely open. Her surgery had faied, again. the skin was too thin to support the implant and her only option left is to take muscle and skin from her shoulder to rebuild. She has been through this so many times that she is on the verge of saying forget it. 28 years old and she is willing to give up on her body image to not have to go through it anymore. Better still, she gets to walk around with an open incision and a dead implant for a month, and she never complains.

Another girl in her very early twenties has a rare chronic cancer, a childhood cancer that is very rare in adults. She has had a full kidney removed, and a lung operation. Now she does weekly chemo. Not once has she ever complained. She is always "doing well" and "feeling good".

A young mother of two very small children. Diagnosed with breast cancer when newly pregnant with her second, and risked her life to carry her beautiful child to term. HEr english is broken and she finds it hard to communicate. She has just finished chemo and has little strength and barely gets through her days, but reaches out to no one.

Another girl, early thirties, is going through chemo for he 3rd round of cervical cancer in 2 years! She had just finished her last treatment and was rediagnosed within acouple of months. Again, she never complains, she never asks for, or accepts help. None of them do.

These are the inspirations that I see on a daily basis, the amazing young people who have so much strength, integrity, acourage. I wish I had half the courage that they do. I am so humbled by everything that I learn through the people I encounter on a constant basis. I feel so privellaged to have the oppurtunity to do what I am doing, and that is all I need to feel that what I am doing is worth while. My hope and healing comes through my interactions with others who amaze me.

So, I know this has turned into one of my blog novels, but as I mentioned, it has been one of those weeks where my personality has done me no favours.

I think I have injured a friendshipthrough combining friendship and business. I am devestated by it. I decided to do something I never do, and tried to be honest with my feelings. I thought by doing that, I would prvent any hostile feeling between us, but I think that it may have done the opposute and created hostility. So I am having some issues with myself on that one and not sure how to make it better. I thought I was doing what was best, but I am beginning to think that bottling things works more in my favour. Arggh.

Here's hoping the rest of my week goes better than it has so far. One of our silent auction sponsors is in the hospital with Kidney stones... I feel horrible for her because I know what Kidney pain feels like and I do not envy her. At the same time I am panicking a bit as her donations were a good part of the auction and I am concerned I may not be able to pull it off without it. Positive thoughts would be great at this point if you can spare them! *Smile*

So tonight I sat on my first real bike! Backwards? Yes entirely... It was only tonight, 2 classes through my lessons, done my theory portion, and I have never sat on a bike!

So I tried out a Honda shadow 250, a V-star 250, and then got to sit on the "instuctor bike", a nice big 650. 550 pounds and wow... It's heavy! Apparently the weight of the bike is not as scary as you learn, but man, it was intimidating tonight!

My first class was on Friday in Coquitlam. It was a very outspoken group, where as tonights class was a bit quieter. There are 3 women including myself in this class.

Anyways, I am totoally stoked about starting to ride on Saturday, though scared as hell at the same time! There is alot of risk in riding, and even the school instills that in you. I am also scared to death of screwing up, or failing my tests etc... I am also pretty nervous about how my tailbone will work out. I am crossing my fingers that those days will be good days, and the pain will work with me.

I can't believe the kids are back to school tomorrow! This summer went way too fast, mind you, since Sammy got home and the kids are riding each other, I am more than ready for them to have the disctraction. With the return to school, comes the return to me being mom's taxi. THe next couple of weeks will be quite the juggle with my riding lessons, the kids activities and school. Not to mention the Fundraiser this Friday, Jolica parties, Chris and my health appointments, The girls screening and trying to make my way back to work too...

Chris has taken on a mystery shop job this week that will keep him busy Wednesday and Thursday. Tomorrow we will go to Surrey and pick up our riding gear as I need it on Saturday when I begin to ride. Friday is the fundraiser and I have a TON of work to do for that over the next few evenings. Hopefully I will be able to get together all the silent auction items together and get their bidding sheets done up as soon as possible, I also have to wrap all the door prizes. Friday we have to head out early to decorate Boone County and then the fundraiser.

I am a little nervous about the fundraiser as I have not presold any tickets. I know there are lots of people saying they are coming, but as with the last event, I will stress until It is all successful.

I have been having bad panic attacks every night this week. I am sure that it is due to everything going on right now. Last night I didn't sleep until 4:30am. I wish I could find some balance in how I deal with things when I take on too much. I am so grateful to all those who have stepped up and helped me in this past week. It means so much to know you have people looking out for you when you get in too deep. I wish I could tell you how much it really means.

Well, I know this has not been the most interesting post, but I wanted to get something in. I have been told by afew people that sometimes the only way they know I am still doing ok, is by reading my blog, so every once in awhile I throw a boring update in, just to let you know I am ok.

I will write with some more interesting stuff soon.