March 13, 2009

I vowed I would be so good with this blogging, and here we are again, months between an enry! Ridiculous! Lately I feel like I can't even find time to think about doing anything extra... That being said, I guess I have taken on some new hobbies, so as usual, I get my obsessions on, and distraction proves to make things difficult.

Again, who knows where to start... I guess I will just write a bit about life right now, and, well, you've gone this long without knowing anything new, so I guess it won't kill you to miss whatever I forget to put in!

Let's start with Chris...

I am a better patient than cargiver. Chris has his surgery on February 13. Things are not going as smoothly as he had hoped, and he has now been upgraded to HydroMorphine. We don't know if it is this "chronic pain syndrome" that he was warned happens 5% of the time, or if he just isn't healing as fast as most. It has been REALLY dificult! As usual, I had too much on my plate going into it, so it was hard for me to be clear minded to take on the extra responsibilities. Excuses being excuses, in the end, I really have not been what I should have been for him. Considering he will walk me through numerous surgeries of my own...

Puppies were born one week after his surgery. Sam was a huge help, thank god, as it was aot of work to do solo. Chris laid on a matress on the floor, so it was nice to have him there at least. I spent 10 days in the basement on the hard mattress to make sure all went well with puppies. Between my efforts of trying to wind down after a full day, and the pups, and the mattress, I was not sleeping. Needless to say, I was mighty bitchy. He has been alot more acive lately, so has been helping alot, but cleaning the crate and keeping up with the dirty laundry is still my onus, and right now, they arent even that messy! I am dreading the next week or so when the work doubles! THey are adorable though and I know I am going to have mad puppy withdrawl when they go. Most are already sold. We had one little one born with a disclocated knee. Tonight he cost $125, and it will cost more. I didn't have the heart to put him down as he is thriving and healthy and beautiful, but he wil cost us two pups.. him and the value of another, to get into shape This is where they say, you don't make money breeding.

My depression is completely messed again. It is now resistant to the medication I was on. The pain management clinic told me that it was too long between psychiatrist visits and that they should take over my medication plan, so I agreed, and then when what they prescribed didn't work either, and I came to them with some ideas, all of a sudden it is out of their realm. In the meantime, they have me weaning off my anti depressants... so I am just a righteous mess right now emotionally. Trying to keep it all in check is a trial, I think I am managing ok, but I hate feeling like this. So now I have to wait for them to get me back in the with the psychiatrist, so I can try and get a handle on everything again. I wish I could just be "normal"... I t would be really nice to be able to control my own moods.

Money! Ya, well, it seems the new bed, and the extra moving expenditures, have caught up. It doesn;t help that I haven't been working... So now I am taking on as many hours as I can get to try and catch up. So, added to the lot is me now working some 8 hour days.. Something I haven't done since I was sick... and it is strenous on my body. My pain goes all over the scale, and by time I can get home to manage it, I end up nauseous from taking the instant pain relief. I am more tired than I can remember feeling ever in my life, and I have a hell of a time sleeping.. until my sleeping pills kick in... It is one time in my life that I can honestly say, I have WAY too much on my plate.. but I really have no choice.

Hedgehogs have been fun.. Aside from my breeding crew, I have taken in afew rescues. Sam typically does all the feeding and I help with cages etc.. Since Sam is gone, I have been flying SOLO, which is actually kinda nice.. I get to spend more time with the hogs, and I enjoy the few minutes of peace and quiet to myself. I actually have two new breeders coming in this week. An albino and a cinnamon girl. Thats something I dont mind taking on, because I find them relaxing.

The house is STILL no where near finished, but the backyard finally had most of the junk removed! YEAAH!! So just waiting for him to come get the last of it and fix the fence, and we can actually make use of it! The rest I have given up on.. if it happens, great. I would stil really like to paint in here as the pain is horrible in most places, but I will wait til things settle down.

So, it's spring and so starts the events for YCSC. I am hoping it will be a good summer, as I have let go of the reins the past several months as I have been ill.

My bladder testing came back abnormal, so now I have to go for a cystoscapy.. Yee haw. I am hoping it will yiely some explanations. It is sucky having a sore bladder all the time.

No bike yet.. was planning to get one with the puppy money, but we were not able to do to the small litter and the disability. I am hoping some money will come through this spring. I am so desperate.

Can't think of much else now and I am exahausted, so I will try to remember to write again soon.

Jan.22,2009

My first entry for 09.

I haven't written in over a month....

Not alot is all that different really.

We are still taking small steps towards getting the house finished,
with the landlord bringing over supplies on occassion and leaving them for Chris to do.
Chris's back is pretty bad lately, so he does things as he can.

We had rented furniture from Easyhome, but decided that we would rather wait and get stuff that we REALLY like, instead of just taking what we could get there. Our landlord
gave us a small loan and we purchased a bedroom suite of my dreams
from his cousins furniture shop. It is so beautiful. We grabbed a demo mattress..
a King sized simmons bowling ball mattress and boxspring for only $350!
It's amazing! It feels so good to have a really good mattress and to sleep
in such an inviting room.

We added to our family. A local breeder has decided to take a breeding hiatus,
I had been in contact with her on and off for the past 2 years since
getting Bailey as I have always loved her pups. She had one puppy left
and offered it to us. So we now have two beautiful German Shepherds.
Unfortunately, like al things.. if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
and like all things in my life, it has to be complicated. We are now debating a
lawsuit against the breeder, but I cannot go into many details at this point.
There was alot of misrepresentation...

In the mean time, we are only 4 weeks away from our own puppies... Bailey
is pregnant and due around Feb.23! So a puppy right now was not actually
ideal but at the time it was a once in a life time offer...
Here's hoping we can have the litter without ending up with 3 dogs!

Chris was supposed to go for back surgery Jan.5th, but was bumped, so now goes Feb.5.
He has not been having much fun with it lately, so here's hoping it wil go well!

Pain management is still in active pursuit for me.
I had my bladder test booked in Dec. but then it snowed
too hard and I had to reschedule. I go on Monday. Still alot of pain
and retention... hoping it is all over soon!

Chronic pain relief is being shifted right now as is my depression
medication as things are just not working right now.
Hopefully changing everything up like I will be, will get things
back under control!

I've been tanning again, so that's been nice, but put on 10 lbs over
xmas that I am REALLY disgusted with.

Couldn't handle growing out my hair anymore, so went in and had it all layered up... Looks cute, not sure if I'll keep it for any length of time... we shall see... in the meantime, if I end up in for brain surgery anytime with this cut, then bald will be the new me, as it does not allow
for any hair camo should i need it! A big concern these days.

Still feeling lonely beyond belief. Life is so busy that I can't
grab a minute to gasp for air, let alone social time, but in the meantime
feel myself slipping away again into the everydayisms... I haven't
even been communicating online! I've felt pretty shut in lately.

Kids got Rockband 2 for Christmas, and as much as I thought I would despise
it, turns out it is quite the family event! One of the songs on it, is a song I have listened to
for years, but never taken the time to comprehend...
The funny thing is, I retain lyrics to songs.. and I mean all songs... If I've heard it
in my lifetime, I can probably sing the lyrics without thought.

I pay alot of attention to the stories behind songs... and as much as
I've listened to and sung along with this song... it only clicked recently.

If there was ever a song written for me...

Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,Or looked down on.
Just try your best,Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.
It just takes some time,Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.
Hey,You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just do your best,
Do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts
Are gonna say.

I watched my mother, spend her life trying to earn the love, affection, hell
even just the attention, of my grandfather.... He passed awy, 6 months later,
so did my mom... She never got what she needed from him, and I honestly
believe, that in the end, she was able to relax, and go peacefully, when she
no longer had to bid for his approval.

I remember pittying my mother and the lengths she would
go to in order to feel worthy... Now, I am 29 years old, and I realize
that people around me are still able to make me feel like a broken
child as I am constantly bidding for my worthyness...

There are people in my life, who make me feel little, worthless and
unworthy, just being in my life... yet for whatever reason, I continue to
allow it... I continue to get worked up and allow them to rule m emotion.

I am no where near ready to deal with this. Not in the way it needs to be
dealt with. I am not sure I ever will.... even knowing how self destructive it is..

Human nature is such an odd thing.

Anyways, I have 2 snoring dogs and a snoring husband beside me, and I am
tired after a trip into van for pain management today.

Man, when do I get out of this damn rut?!

Dec.17,08

I don't even know how long it has been since I have written... A long time! I keep forgetting this blog format does not date stamp, so I have to remember to put it in.

I am going to try and enter this as a bief point to point update entry. Alot has happened and I don't want to make it impossible to get through this post.

-My bladder is still giving me a ton of issues.. Pain, weird urination etc... I have not been scheduled for the test yet, but I have another urologist appointment on Friday, so will find out what is going on there soon.

-Finally made it in to the Neurologist. I have one new tumour growth, for a total of 4 tumours now. I also have very small growth in my largest tumour, but the growth has made the tumour a zize of concern. Too small to do anything about and too big to ignore. So I will go for an MRI in one year as opposed to two and another surgery is almost guaranteed in my future. 3-5 years likely. There is some option of a Radiation stle surgery, but he has to take it to the board. There is a very small growth in close proximity to this tumour. While this tumour is superficial, the other is buried deep in my brain. Since you can only radiate an area once, he thinks they will want to wait and do it on the other, as surgery would be much simpler on this one, than the other. I am stressed, and emetional.. I know it could be several years away, but I am sick of there always being something.

- We are in the new house, and while it is nice to have the space, the house was not finished before we moved in. Luckily Chris has figured out how to be handy, but the landlord never brings us supplies and it is frustrating trying to get him to comitt to anything.There are no lips on every change of room, missing door framing on every door, Missing Floor boards everywhere, Poorly insulated doors, Crappy paint, No towel racks, The basement was supposed to be an entired suite, but the washer and dryer that was supposed to go downstairs, has to but put where the kitchen was supposed to be... so no more basement suite, now just a rec room and laundry. Sams room has no closet doors, her door frame is put on crooked, as ies her window. The spare room in the basement has no door... The bathroom downstairs is not built.. The whole house has various items of the landlords stored and left here... He had said the upstairs would be done when we moved in, and he would come finish the basement shortly after. Well its been 16 days and we have gotten the odd supply here and there, but at that, we are expected to do the work. I could totally take him to tenancy, but he has given us such a good deal, I am trying to be patient.

-We have had so many extra expenses this month, it has been really hard trying to stay ahead money wise. Christmas will be small, but we want to teach the children that anyways. I am sick of buying oodles of things that never get properly acknowledged or that never get used. I would rather buy them acouple things that are valued. Like the tale of the woman who cuts her hair to buy her husband a watch strap, but he has sold his watch to buy her a barette for her hair.

-I am finally on chronic pain control and it has been nice to take a huge step forward, after two years, in being able to control my pain.

-hat being said, I am having issues with my stress levels, my anger and my emotional health. I am on a waitlist for the psychiatrist. I had added a new medication for anxiety to my current one and took it for a month. I was supposed to call and get him to call in a script if I was happy with it... It seemed to help, but because I was in the hospital, I did not notice I was almost out. Bu time I called their office on a Thursday night, I did not hear back. Well by Saturday I was in FULL withdrawl... I could actually see how and why people go to detox and what it felt like... I would have given anything for something to take away my symptoms. I actually got suicidal the first night. I felt like I had a million red ants tearing at my skin and crawling all over. I had the worst headache and dizziness... I cannot even explain. It took almost two weeks to get back to normal. I decided that anything that felt like that after not taking it for 2 nights, was not something I wanted to continue. I think somehow it messed up my current meds though, because now it as if I am back to being my old depressive self.

-I have also gone back to being lonely. YCSC has taken a bit of a downward spiral. We need a proffessional logo, so we can have brochures done up, to be able to get the word out to more people that we are here, also to get me volunteers as I canno do everything myself anymore, but every graphic designer we have worked with has been a dud so far... so I am waiting on one more shot at it at the end of December and am hoping for good things. As with most friendships in my life, I have been left sourely abused and abandoned once again. Someone I thought was a dear friend, changed on my completely. Once again, I was the one with everything to lose and had to turn my back and say that obviously there was some reason I was meant to have her at the time, but now that is gone. Another connection I had rekindled lately had turned out sour too.. luckily I was ready for that one as I was completely prepared for it, and guarded. I miss Kristie dearly and have vowed to make more effort to get out and see her... She has had a rough time with her 4th go at treatment, and I feel like a horrible friend. I have also had a hard time finding time to be with others.... I wonder if it is part of my barrier has gone up again after my recent betrayal and also with my current mental health on the slope... I have to put some thought into that one and try to resolve it. I have to find some way to stop pittying again too...

So I guess it is another depressive entry with the upside being that I am fully aware of where I am headed, and that I need to do something about it... Im just a little stuck on the how right now. I will persevere, I always do... But as I said to Dad Crowe on the phone the other night... This is one of those times that I have to admit, I am not a pillar of strength as those around me like to state.. I can be, but sometimes it is ok to not be... The hard part is, you need those dear friends and close family to lean on in these times and to just be able to open up to and say...

"You know what? Things are kinda scary right now, and I know that might not make sense to you, but I need you to just be there for me and not try to bandaid it, or tell me to stop wallowing, to just be a friend, a shoulder, an ear, and just agree with me... that ya... it really sucks... not remind me of all the things I am SUPPOSED to feel or how I am SUPPOSED to act, but to just let me be this for today."

When you lose the people you can honestly say that to? It pretty much makes things alot worse. I am lucky in having my husband and one or two others that I can really open up to like that, but I miss certain people who used to help me get through, and who made me feel normal....

So... I'll stand up proud... Chin up, Head in the air... After all things can always be worse! Besides, I am probably making a big deal over nothing... and don't forget.. medicine changes fast... I'm sure it will be no big deal in afew years, when the time comes... Stop worrying about it today, there's nothing that can be done....

Because that's what I'm told to do.........

I know there's one angel crying with me today....

I have been home since Sunday night, I had to come home with catheder in. My Specialist removed it on Monday, as it is better for me to be urinating poorly, than not at all on my own. I have to go for some tests in the next bit, as we think there is deffinately something going on in the bladder area. We believe it is car accident related.

Probably because of the antibiotic infusion and the bed rest, I came home feeling pretty strong, but frustrated at not being able to do everything I want. With the move coming up in a week and a half, it was everything I could do to build myself as much as possible to prepare. Within acouple days home, I packed up the bathroom and started to pick away at little things.

I still have weak moments, but I am well on my way.

I was put on a secondary anti depressant last month on a trial basis. He gave me a month worth and told me to call in If I wanted to continue. I thought it was helping, but having been in the hospital, I lost track of my meds and next thing I knew, I was out of them! I called on Friday morning for more, but never got a call back. By Saturday I was in Full fledge withdrawl. I started doing some research and apparently numerous places are trying to petition the release of this medication due to its suicidal withdrawl symptoms! Which I am totally experiencing. I am hoping I am almost done, but I have had to sedate myself and stay on benadryl and tylenol to get through the past two days... It has been hellish!

In the mean time, I was able to get into the pain clinic at the Cancer Agency and I am finally having someone take care of my chronic pain issues. I am hoping this is the start of a stronger and healthier me! Cross your fingers!

So the move starts tomorrow with our "Prepack". They come in and pack everything we don't need. Wednesday we have to take everything the movers won't move, and the food. Then Thursday they pack everything else and we go into a hotel. Friday morning they load the truck (all of which we have to be there for). Saturday we have to be at the old house for cleaning and then Sunday is our one day break as the come in to unload and unpack on Tuesday (Monday is all running around).

Aside from the, we picked up the hedgies today and I didn't get much time with them as they are staying with a friend until I get settled in the new house and can settup a safe hiding place for them until Christmas! :o) It was hard getting them and then letting go so quickly, but soon they will be home for good... they are sooo sweet.. I love them to death!

I am tired even anticipating this move and I don't have to do much! I can't wait to have all that room though!! EEK!

I neve thought I would see the day when a phone call from a suergon after an MRI, would take back seat to anything else....

anyone who has ever had cancer, will tell you that the 7-10 days after an MRI or CT or screening of any type, seem like the longest days of your life. Typically, I mske it to about day 5, then I start calling all my different drs to see if annyone has gotten word back early....This time, the days came and went, and only as as passing thought last night, I mentioned my MRI scan to someone and then it dawned on me to ask Chris... "Have we heard anything back about the scans?"


Not only was this a rare occasion, but rarer still was the calmness in his answer "Oh, yeah.. Dr.Haw called and would like you to set up a non urgent appointment" Well this is good in one way, it means nothing has changed for the critical, but something has changed, and I have to wait to find out.....No the weirdest of all is the fact that I am totally ok with that.

I am typing this blog on a flimsy webenabled keyboard, attatched to a TV/Monitor/Phone, laying in bed next to a man with ebola virus who is, at best, "Confused"...Now I know that could be the beginnning of a very interesting story, but alas, no... I am a patient in the wonderful new, state of the art, Abbotsford Regional Hospital. The olus? I have internet! The Negative? This could be a long list......

Let's start with the most devastating... I cannot access Facebook... It is banned from the terminals in here...
next is the fact that while it is a beautiful hospital, they are worse than short staffed at the best of times... This morning it took 4 hours of piece by piece installations, to get a shower.. first came a towel... 30 minutes later, a cloth.. and so on and so fourth.
I am glad I have had ABSOLUTELY no appetite because so far, the only thing I hsve even attempted to eat was some flavourless mashed potatoes, my daily cream of wheat, and a soup that looked like pork and bean (actually very tasty) one afternoon... Other than that, and acouple of bad of ketchup potatoe chips and LOT of Juice, I haven't eater.. That's a lie, I could't say no to the first turtles of the season....

Over the past few weeks my left flank has been flaring up again... I have on many occassions wondered if this would be the spasm to bring me down again as it all felt too familiar to my last downtime.
On an entirely different front, ever since the car accident, I have had troubles peeing.. I will go to the washroom, feeling like I have to go badly, but then sit there and cannot go... I get up and try again, sometimes it will take me 2 or so hours, all the while my bladder feeling like it will burst.

Monday morning, I woke up and my side was in searing pain. I hobbled through getting ready and into the car to take the kids to school, before we left, I said I had to go to the hospital. Normally you have to fight me tooth and nail to go, but this time was very distinct, I had to go.. Now..

We had a short wait in the waiting room, maybe 2 hours. I was moved to a bed in emerg. I told the dr that my side was extremeely sore and I also told him about the urination issues. I was given pain meds and eventually moved over to the medical decison bay. While there, I tried to urinate, and couldn't go, I tried over and over again with no success and eventually had to tell the nurse because I felt like I would explode. She did a Bladder screen and my bladder was over 100% full... I was distended into my kidney. She cathedered me. Everything was good, then my gp called in and cut my meds off! I was in excruciating pain tears all night. Early in the morning the emerg dr put me back on and on something stronger.. To make a long story short, this happened back and fourth, my dr kept cutting them off... I spent two days in the emerg medical decision ward, and onlu on the 3rd day did I see my dr. who again, cut my meds down to virtually nothing then, he point at my IV bad and my antibiotics (They found white blood cells and bacteria in my urine) and tells the burse to pack everything up and send me home with scripts. So now I am really upset and freak out on him.. I told him I was sick odf him being uninformed on uncompassionate, and told him I didnt even know *IF* I could pee yet. He tells me that the reason he pulls all my meds is that it is what's causing myurine black, which is BS because I said I had that problem before I even came to the hospital! Of course he doesn't listen to me, and leaves. Well then I get transfered to a ward basically the emerge dr has diagnosed me with pilonephritis (ki dney infection)My dr says its not, but then again, my dr told me that the bruise across my belt line after the car accident couldnt be bruising from the seat belt and the urologist said it deffinately was... Like I am going to trust anyhing my dr. says... I should have fired him long before now, but now that hee has started with this, I am not allowed to fire him... How STUPID is that?!

Soo again, to try and shorten it up... The catheder has come out twice now to see if I can pee, and I cant... Yesterday I was able to go on my own, but only went half and this time I could not go at all... So I have what's called Urine Retention.... We have no idea yt what has caused it... and from whast I have heard so far, there is a possibility I may not regain bladder function... PLEASE, if you have any spare positive thoughts, send them my way......

The pain in my side is likely just a coincidence or could be a result of the urine building up and distending my bladder.

Then just to make things extra fun, I had an alllergic reaction to my 2nd cathedar and my body id covered in this fun rash!! And I am itching like hell because apparently the pharmacy takes a long time to find their benadryl.

I have a good eeling I wiill be in here until Monday at least... I am tryng my best to get him to let me out to goo see my urologist, who KNOWS what he's doing.... Other than that, I don,t know much. I also on't know much on my MRI results until I can get out and make an appointment.

I miss being home, I miss my family, My body is sore from laying around, Im tired from not sleeping and I just want to go home :o(

THIS SUCKS!